Alexandr Mardan
An equation with one unknown quantity.
(The queue)
A situation tragedy in one act.
Characters in order of appearance
Nurse (Maria)
House Painter
Loaders
Nurse’s Husband
Tax Inspector
He
She
Businessman
Law Enforcement Officer
Lady
Lady’s Husband
Real Estate Agent (Agent)
Repairman Vasia
First Buyer
Boyfriend
Journalist
Tolik
Fireman
Professor
Sales Representative (Rep)
Actor
Second Buyer
Woman with a Bag
Woman with a Box
Ladies from Sanitary Inspection
Third Buyer
Comrade from the East
Ambulance Doctors
Policemen
The scene is laid in a big Russian-speaking city.
It is pitch dark. The beam of a torch snatches out of the dark a poster of a man with a caption “I Treat All Diseases”, then it fumbles about a painting of a man in a Roman toga washing his hands, and lights an icon in the corner and a clock with a pendulum. There is a sound of glass breaking, and a woman’s voice :”God, will there be an end to this bloody mess?” The beam glides over a sun-dial fixed on the wall. A man holding the torch is moving about the stage, and it seems that somebody invisible is moving the shades like the hands of a clock. Then the beam moves upwards—probably the man is walking up the stairs. Enter a lovely young woman with a candle in her hand, dressed in a short white gown with a thin lace strip of her stockings showing from under it. She is looking upwards, to where the light from the torch can be seen.
Nurse. Is that you?
House Painter. It’s me.
Nurse. What on earth do you want there?
Painter. The electricity… (She is answered by a male voice with a slight Caucasian accent.)
Nurse. What do you want it for? What’s there to look at?
The light goes up. The scene is a lounge of a health centre. There are three doors. On one, there is a stain from a plate that has been removed and a number—6. The second has WC on it, to which someone has added another W. On the third one there is a plate “LABORATORY”.
Chairs with collapsible seats are fastened four together, a 1970s make black-and –white TV set is placed on a gurney by two new leather armchairs. There is a telephone on a night –stand near the lab and a pram near the № 6 door. A placard on the wall says:” Patients! Please don’t share your symptoms! It can make diagnosis difficult.”
Repair works are under way, half of the wall has been painted. There is scaffolding along the wall. A man in a sackcloth overall with a torch in his hand is standing on it. He is closing a panel door.
Nurse. It’s the last day of Pompeii. We’re moving tomorrow. You may go.
Painter. No, I must finish the wall.
Nurse. The building is being sold, the new owners will have it painted their own way.
Painter. What’ll be here?
Nurse. God knows. Some say, a prayer house, others, a night club.
Painter. Oh, in this sense…
Painter gets down from the scaffolding, opens some cans of paint, pours the paint into a bucket, stirs.
Nurse. So finish that mural of yours and go to sleep.
Painter. No, I’ll paint till I finish, once I’ve started. Will there be patients today?
Nurse. Yes, there are something like ten appointments.
Painter. The doctor has many patients, it means he’s good.
Nurse. Just fashionable. He gives them head massages. Inside the head.
Painter. A surgeon?
Nurse. A healer. They go whole, without losses. You know the kind of people who come to see him? Wow! Had to have appointments for Sunday. You tell me: is Sunday for man or is man for Sunday?
Painter. Every man makes up his own mind.
Nurse. Of course, it’s a sin, but there was no help for it, all of them were phone patients.
Painter. Phone disease?
Nurse. No, phone referrals. (By way of explanation she turns the telephone dial.)
Painter. Serious diseases?
Nurse. Serious people. Wouldn’t go to an ordinary doctor. Or maybe they aren’t really quite so ill if they want all their diseases cured at once.
There is a pause.
Painter. Why is there a sun-dial inside ?
Nurse. Why is it that the time has chills and fever? Because of summer time one has to get up an hour earlier, as if it weren’t enough to work on Sundays.
Painter. What’s this picture?
Nurse. There used to be the Hygiene Department on the second floor. They commissioned an artist to paint something appropriate: medical and historical. He did. Roman style. There was something in Latin at the bottom of the picture, for the doctors’ benefit. And somebody cracked this joke: Pontius Pilate washing his hands…
Painter. Yeah…Very much alike.
A pause. He finishes stirring his paint, takes his bucket and roller and climbs on the scaffolding. The telephone rings. Nurse answers it.
Nurse. Reception. Yes, the doctor will be here by nine. Old time. Or by ten—new time. Or vice versa. Anyway, don’t be late. He has a plane to catch in the afternoon. (She puts down thereceiver, comes up to the poster “I Treat All Diseases”, dusts lovingly the face of the person on the poster and says with a sigh.) You can’t fly away from them all…(She goes into the lab.)
There is noise and rattle. Two workers carry a piano into the lounge, and fall into the armchairs, exhausted.
First Loader. Well, we got it this far down, but we won’t make it to the ground floor. We must look for Vasia.
Having recovered their breath they go towards the exit.
Nurse (looking out of the lab). Hey, hey! What’s that?
First Loader. Sorry, missus! We’ll leave it for half an hour, okay? Wait a jiffy, we have to find a third one. We can’t manage between the two of us.
Nurse. What do you think it is, a left-luggage office?
Second Loader. (To First Loader.)What’re you worried about? Nobody’ll drag it away from here!
First Loader. Right! (To Nurse.) No ticket, thank you! We believe you!
The loaders go, leaving the piano in the lounge. Nurse goes into the lab.
Enter a man. He looks around, tiptoes to № 6 door, puts his ear to it, then pulls the handle sharply. The door doesn’t yield. He pulls again.
Nurse’s Husband. Masha! Masha, open the door! It’s me, open at once!
He bangs at the door with his fists. Nurse runs out of the lab to his screams.
Nurse. What are you doing here? The doctor’s about to come!
Nurse’s Husband. Doctor!.. A witch doctor, that’s what he is! Where is he?! (He pushes her aside, looks into the lab, then goes into the lavatory and comes out a second later.)
Nurse. Made sure?
Nurse’s Husband. (He looks around, then upwards, and sees a man on the scaffolding, paintingthe wall.) And who’s that?
Nurse. I’ll give you three guesses. You’ll soon be jealous of the Holy Ghost.
Nurse’s Husband. Maria, why has your cell phone been switched off for a whole hour?
Nurse. It’s not switched off! (She takes her cell phone out of her pocket.) It just isn’t switched on! Really, you ought to see a doctor…a psychiatrist.
Nurse’s Husband (in a conciliatory tone). That’s okay. They’ve been broadcasting about those terrorists since morning.
Nurse. What are they saying?
Nurse’s Husband. What? They’re looking for them, as usual, they’re afraid of terrorist acts, because of the coming holiday. And your phone wasn’t answering… When shall I collect you?
Nurse. Come as soon as you begin to miss me. Or rather keep watch here, Othello.
Nurse’s Husband. All right, I’ll call.
Exit. At the door he stumbles on the first patient, Tax Inspector. It is a middle-aged man. He scans the lounge, takes in the pendulum clock, the icon. A cell phone goes off in his pocket.
Tax Inspector (on the phone). Yes. No. I can’t. I have a meeting today. Yes, the commission from the Ministry is working on Sunday. I can’t talk now. I’ll call later. Bye.
He puts the cell phone away. Nurse (who must have heard the phone ring) comes out of the lab.
Nurse. Good morning. Have you got an appointment?
Tax Inspector (without taking his eyes off her legs). Yes, for ten thirty.
Nurse. The doctor’s not in yet. Won’t you sit down?
She wants to return to her lab, but he stops her.
Tax Inspector (lowering his voice). Excuse me…Is it all right if I am not baptized?
Nurse. What does it matter?
Tax Inspector. Well, I dunno, some people cure with prayers, exorcize before an icon…
Nurse. No, Dr.Zaitsev’s method is quite different. Here, read it in the meantime.
She takes a coloured booklet out of her pocket, gives it to the man and goes. He settles in an armchair and browses through the booklet.
The light goes out on the stage. A room upstairs is lit. There is a double bed in the middle of the room. Enter a man and a young girl. The man looks like the doctor on the poster. The girl has a sprig of mimosa in her hand. The man takes off his jacket while he walks in.
She. But we agreed, didn’t we… It’s Sunday. And your plane isn’t till seven.
He. It happens. I lied too well. Told them at home I’d scheduled appointments for today. And I actually had to. Such patients—I couldn’t refuse them.
She. But you can refuse me?
He. Please, honey, don’t.
She. Why have you come then?
He. I won’t see you for two weeks. To kiss you, bunny…(He kisses the girl.)
She. Have you got a little time? (She kisses him.)
He. Not any more. (They kiss.)
She. Just a little…
They go on kissing, gradually nearing the bed.
He. Baby, I haven’t a minute to spare. My patients are waiting. (He kisses her.)
She. I’ve got a surprise for you.
He. What surprise?
They fall on the bed.
She. You’ll see. You’ll like it.
The light goes out in the room.
The stage is lit again. It is the lounge of the health centre. Enter another patient, Businessman. He looks around, and speaks to Tax Inspector.
Businessman. Shall I be after you?
Tax Inspector (dryly). I don’t know. My appointment is at ten thirty.
Businessman. Then you are after me. Mine’s at ten.
Tax Inspector. Then you are late.
Businessman. No, I’ve come in advance.
Tax Inspector. Have you moved your clock?
Businessman. Good heavens! What time is it then?
Tax Inspector. A quarter to eleven. And the doctor’s not in yet, by the way.
Businessman. If anything goes wrong today, that would be the limit! I’ve been trying to see this doctor for a year! I made an appointment every month, and each time something went wrong! Do you know how many months there are in a year?
Tax Inspector. I do. Ten. Without VAT.
Businessman (watchful). What’s your line of work?
Tax Inspector. “A” company.
Businessman. Meaning what?
Tax Inspector. Tax Inspection.
Businessman. Oh, I see…
Businessman takes a seat next to Tax Inspector
Businessman (pointing to the pram). Is it yours?
Tax Inspector. No, the pram was already here when I came.
Businessman (sees the man on the scaffolding and asks him, nodding towards the pram). Yours?
(The man shakes his head.)
Nurse comes out of the lab and speaks to Tax Inspector.
Nurse (looking in her journal). What is your name?
Tax Inspector. Ivanov. Is a name necessary?
Nurse. As you wish. You can use an assumed name. Come to the lab to fill in your case history and have an express blood test. Ten dollars.
Businessman. Why dollars?
Nurse. So as not to change twice.
Tax Inspector. In the vein?
Nurse. I don’t know if you are in the vein, I am not. Wash your hands (she points to the toiletdoor), you’ll have your blood taken from your finger.
Tax Inspector. I’ve already washed. Will it hurt?
Nurse. As usual—it hurts at first, then you enjoy it. Are you on empty stomach?
Tax Inspector. Yes. Can’t you do without the blood?
Nurse. We can. Only the doctor won’t see you. He doesn’t make a diagnosis without a blood test. He’s not God Almighty.
Businessman. Do you know the difference between a surgeon and God? God knows he’s not a surgeon.
Nurse. Anatoly Mikhailovitch—Dr.Zaitsev-- isn’t a surgeon. He’s rather a hypnotist. He’d look at you with those kind grey eyes of his, and you’d get goose flesh. And all your symptoms would disappear.
Tax Inspector and Nurse go to the lab.
Businessman (to the man on the scaffolding). Couldn’t you be more careful up there, my good man? I’ve got my new suit on.
Enter a third patient, Law Enforcement Officer. He is talking on his cell phone.
Law Enforcement Officer. What’s the news? Have the field engineers left? Nothing found? All the same, keep the cordons for the time being. (He hides his phone and turns to Businessman.) Are you last?
Businessman. One can see at once you are from the police. Always after the last one. I am the last but one. That is, I am first. The second one is shedding blood.
Law Enforcement Officer. I don’t have to, I’ve got a certificate.
Businessman. They don’t trust test certificates from the Interior. Only from the Exterior.
Law Enforcement Officer. And you, what’s your racket?
Businessman. Commerce. President of the “Digger-Dagger” company.
Nurse and Tax Inspector come out of the lab. Tax Inspector is pressing some cotton wool to his finger.
Nurse(to Tax Inspector). Are you all right? Have you enjoyed it?
Tax Inspector(cheerfully inviting). Next.
Law Enforcement Officer (without taking his gaze off the lace strip). Miss, I’ve got a complete blood test certificate.
Nurse. We have our own method. Secret. Express. On empty stomach. Ten dollars.
Law Enforcement Officer. What about currency regulations?
Nurse. So as not to change the money twice. If you don’t like it, go to your district health centre. They treat free of charge there.
Law Enforcement Officer. That they do. Let’s go, miss.
They disappear in the lab. Enter a couple. He is of middle height, broad-shouldered and sturdily built. She is a peroxide blonde.
Lady. Good morning. Who is last?
Tax Inspector and Businessman (in chorus). Not I.
Businessman. The last of the Mohicans is having his blood test. What time is your appointment?
Lady. The doctor promised to see my husband at once, on account of his position.
Tax Inspector. We all have our positions! Which doesn’t prevent us from making appointments.
Lady. I appreciate your joke, but my husband…
Lady’s Husband (interrupting her). Galia, this is not the Fourth Department. All right, we’ll wait our turn. We shall be after that gentleman…(At this very moment Law Enforcement Officer comes out of the lab. Seeing him, Lady’s Husband continues)…I mean, that comrade.
Nurse (to Law Enforcement Officer). You okay? Enjoyed yourself? Next.
Law Enforcement Officer (takes out a pack of cigarettes, asks Nurse). Is smoking allowed here, miss?
Nurse (points to the corner partitioned off with a fire extinguisher panel). Over there. (ToBusinessman ). Let’s go.
Businessman. It won’t hurt, will it?
Nurse. Be your age!
Businessman. Do you know the difference between a grown man and a little boy?
Nurse. Is it the price of toys?
Businessman. Not only. A little boy can be left alone with his nurse…
Nurse laughs. Businessman, with the middle finger of his right hand proudly lifted, tries to put his arms round nurse’s shoulders, and inserts the dollars into her breast pocket.
Businessman. If I die, consider me a Communist. (He disappears behind the lab door. A secondlater, the door opens a crack.) And if I don’t—don’t.
Law Enforcement Officer goes to the smoking corner where he is joined by Lady’s Husband. They smoke.
Lady’s Husband (nodding towards the lab). Who’s this humorist?
Law Enforcement Officer. The modest charm of bourgeoisie. A fresh Russian.
Lady’s Husband. His face seems familiar…
Law Enforcement Officer. He sometimes flashes on TV. Gives out candy to kids…probably, stolen candy. By the way, your face looks familiar. Where can we have met? (A pause.) Didn’t you figure in the case…
Lady’s Husband. No.
Law Enforcement Officer. Right, I got it! A series of burglaries, Odessa, 1976… How old were you then?
Lady’s Husband. Twenty-five.
Law Enforcement Officer. When did you come out?
Lady’s Husband. In 1981. Five years’ holiday on the riverside, on the St.Lawrence…Pavlovitch. They sent me out with a good kick in the ass, to ensure I wouldn’t come back. So I quit. The criminal world should be small, limited to a close circle. And with everybody stealing in this country, one loses interest in one’s profession. So I went a different way.