THE CHUMPERMarch 30, 2018
Easter Chumpergate Special- Issue 34
CHUMPERGATE!!
Chumping rocked by revelations of tree tampering
At a riveting media conference held in the Latin quarter of his VW Camper Van a tearful Captain Alex Waring made the shocking admission that the 2017 Barrow Christmas Tree erection had been marred by tampering that went against the very heart and soul of chumping. Hardened reporters from Barrow media outlets listened in shock as Waring confessed to using “sticky tape” to supplement the blue rope used since the dawn of Chumping to keep the tree in position. “It was a decision made by the Leadership Group, one that I now regret completely. There is no place in Chumping for bringing anything onto the field of play beyond a pair of standard issue Komodos and regulation blue rope. I’ve let down everyone”
anonymous source
Further questioned about membership of the “Leadership Group” Waring gave few clues, but inevitably fingers pointed at Chumping supremo Sir Nigel Heardtrumper (retd). When asked if he would be resigning, Heardtrumper was defiant “Not a chance am I standing down. I’m contracted to lead the world of chumping in perpetuity. T’contract’s totally watertight, I drew it up me’ssen and I had nowt to do wi’ any funny business – ‘ow could I? I were nowhere near’t tree, I delegate all that stuff to Alex and t’lads”
Despite Heardtrumper’s insistence, questions will be asked as just as reports were emerging of the suspicious use of “sticky tape” being captured on CCTV, according to an anonymous source he was seen to be on his vintage Nokia barking instructions.
Steely eyed former Top Cop,Detective Chief Constable J.J.Armstrong (retd) has been appointed to head up a crack investigative team to establish exactly what happened. Armstrong will leave no stone unturned:
“The integrity of Chumping is at stake. It’s sacred. We have an obligation to the next generation to keep chumping clean and unsullied. I had no idea when I was up a ladder and my back was turned, seizing branches from that tree opposite the pump that anything dodgy was going on. But the CCTV doesn’t lie. The repercussions of this will be massive, just massive. I don’t want to pre-empt the independent investigation but Heardtrumper and his gang of cronies are on a sticky wicket and heads must roll”.
Top Cop ”seizing” foliage
From our Chumpergate Correspondent