Toddler Discipline: Being Consistent
Aside from calming a tantruming two-year old, being consistent can be one of the most challenging aspects of daily parenting. Not because you want to be inconsistent, but because other parts of life often interfere with your “ideal” way of handling a misbehaving toddler. You may be cooking or on a business call when your child misbehaves yet you still have to find a way to respond.
Discipline is crucial in any family household, regardless of the child’s age. Some parents believe that setting limits and being consistent is most important for older children, but instituting structure is a way to teach your child how to act in the world. Establishing expectations in your home will create an atmosphere where both you and your child know the rules,and this shapes a feeling of safety and security. For example, if you punish your child for hitting, then don’t do it the next time, it is confusing. It communicates that there are no rules, and you as a parent can’t expect consistent behavior if you aren’t consistent yourself.
Two major goals for toddlers are 1) to learn what behaviors are acceptable, and 2) to learn self-control. Learning these social requirements early will give them a blueprint of how to behave outside the home, in play groups, daycare, at family gatherings, and ultimately, school. Whether your child learnsthese tasks depends on you. The following three guidelines will soften the bumpy path of toddlerhood.
Rules
Before you can follow through and be consistent, you need to establish appropriate rules. Decide what behaviors are acceptable and what aren’t for the situations that arise in your home. For example, mealtime can be taxing for parents of toddlers. Tots are still experimenting with new foods, and are so stimulated by their environments, they can easily get distracted. If you require they sit at the table and use utensils, which is possible at this age, choose an age-appropriate consequence if he/she doesn’t comply. “If you use your fingers, I will have to help feed you.” For an independent toddler, this is a VERY unpleasant option. Or, “If you can’t use your spoon for your ice cream, no dessert.” You may also want to have a general system in place such as one warning, followed by consequences. Make sure you communicate a clear and simple rule to your child, though, so the expectation is understood.
Partner consistency
Be sure that you and your partner agree on the rules. Nothing can undermine toddler discipline more than parents who disagree, or cannot commit to a united front. Have discipline conversations privately, to work out differing ideas. Even toddlers can understand how to capitalize on parents who have opposing standards. If you and your partner have trouble agreeing on consequences, make sure you are at least in agreement on your philosophy – e.g. do you use time outs or not? Are you in agreement on spanking?
Being a Role Model
In order to reasonably expect “acceptable” behaviors from your toddler, consistency in your own behavior is vital. Toddlers learn most from observing and mimicking. If you demand that your child not yell, you must demonstrate this constraint as well. Nothing communicates inconsistency more than setting a rule for your child and then breaking it yourself. Also, if the other major goal for toddlers is to learn self-control, being aware of your feelings and actions will help your toddler sort out his.
As you navigate the complex world of toddler discipline, be patient with yourself and get good support and advice from family, friends and professionals. You’ll make great choices, and then you’ll make choices that will help you learn what not to do next time.