Christian Courtesy

Christian Courtesy

Study Notes

The following are study materials on Christian courtesy or honor and respect. They are notes, that is, they are not developed, but are brief statements of the main points. They are meant to be a help in studying courtesy, not a presentation about it.

1996

Contents

Contents

Introduction

The Words

Showing Honor

Ways of Expressing Graciousness

Showing Respect

Showing Respect to Personal Authorities

Showing Honor Corporately

Worship

Appendices

Scripture Passages on Showing Honor and Respect

Honor and Respect in the Talmud

Introduction

The following sections could be described by saying that they concern “courtesy”. “Courtesy” often means to us simply “etiquette”, arbitrary rules about how to handle small matters of daily life like what side of the plate to put the fork on. Here it means something more significant than that. The matters that make up true courtesy are matters that allow us to express fundamental relational values in a good way.

Scripture tends to speak about courtesy or politeness in terms of “honor” and “respect”. These are words that are not, however, restricted to our “manners” in our interactions with others. They can, in other words, be used both to refer to matters of basic morality and matters of courtesy.

Honor is important in the scriptures. When the scriptures speak about how to relate to God and to other human beings, they often speak about honoring them or fearing (respecting) them. The two positive commandments in the scriptures are commandments to honor: to honor God by keeping the Sabbath holy and to honor parents. The whole first table of the Ten Commandments, in fact, is sometimes spoken about as the commandments about how to honor God. Moreover, in the traditional understanding of the Ten Commandments, the commandment to honor parents includes the injunctions to respect them and others in positions of authority. Honor and respect, in short, are integral to the scriptural understanding of morality.

The following sections do not attempt to deal with honor and respect in their most important relational aspects. They do not, in other words, interpret the commandments or attempt to treat comprehensively how to keep the commandments in our various relationships in life. Rather, they focus on how to express honor and respect in daily relationships; that is, the way we show by our courtesy or politeness a disposition to honor or respect others in more basic ways. Showing honor and respect is involved in keeping the commandments, but it does not cover the most important ways to honor God and others to whom honor is due.

The purpose of this write-up is to provide notes for studying scriptural teaching on honor and respect. It is not intended as a treatment of how we should show honor and respect. To decide that we also need to consider how matters of courtesy function in our own society and culture.

The Words

“Honor” and “respect” as verbs refer to ways of building relationships and strengthening what is valued among us. They are inner attitudes, but they are expressed in actions. They are something we can actually do.

“To honor” others (or to honor things) means to show that we value them and consider them as of worth. The opposite of honoring others is despising or disdaining them or showing contempt or scorn for them. When we have lost our honor, we are put to shame or embarrassed; that is, are disdained. In older English (the kind used in the KJV and the RSV) the verb “to confound” is a synonym of “to put to shame” or “to embarrass” and the noun “confusion” is a synonym of “shame” or “embarrassment”.

“Respect” is a form of honor. We show respect for someone who holds a position of authority or of importance. The Greek and Hebrew words can be translated “fear” or “reverence” as well as “respect”.

“Honor” is the broader term. “Respect” is a kind of “honor” (Mal 1:6). When we show respect to others we are honoring them. When we fail to show respect to others we owe respect to, we dishonor them. But we can also honor people that we do not owe respect to. We can honor our children even though they hold no position in relation to us that makes “respect” (as defined above) appropriate.

The scriptural words for “respect” (yir’ah, mora’, phóbos) are difficult to translate into English. “Fear” and “reverence” are the two most common English translations, but they are not normally used for behavior or customs that express a relationship. They are normally just used for feelings. For instance, we would not say that someone who obeyed his father “feared” or “reverenced” his father. “Respect” is not ideal as a translation either, since it often is the equivalent of the term “honor”. If we say that we do not have to respect children, we run the risk of being misunderstood to mean that we do not need to honor them (value them, treat them as having value or as being worthy of consideration). In this write-up, however, we will use the word “respect” as the least misleading English equivalent available.

Giving honor and showing respect come out of our character and our understanding of the right way to act. They should not be mainly expressions of our (current) emotions. We should be able to show honor and respect whether we like it or not. Of course, we will often have special feelings of appreciation towards someone or will naturally tend to respect or even reverence certain people. Then showing honor or respect will be an expression of our feeling. Moreover, we should grow in sentiments of honor and respect towards those who deserve them.

Nonetheless many times, we will show honor or respect simply because we see it to be appropriate, regardless of our feelings. Likewise, we are often shown honor or respect and do not feel like being honored, but we should not refuse it just because of our feelings. We should receive it graciously if it is appropriate to receive it. In short, we cannot restrict showing honor and respect to expressing our feelings, but it should see them as an expression of our character and our love towards others.

Notes on the Hebrew and Greek Words

The Hebrew and Greek words for honor. The same Hebrew noun (kabod) is translated “honor” and “glory”. Likewise the same Hebrew verb (kabed) is translated “to honor” and “to glorify”. Most commonly we reserve the words “glory” and “glorify” to speak about honoring God, but it is helpful to recognize that the scripture often uses the same words for relating to God and human beings. To glorify God is to honor him. The commandment in Hebrew “Honor your father and your mother” could be translated “Glorify your father and your mother”. When we honor human beings we are doing something similar to what we do when we honor God.

The root of the Hebrew words “honor/honor” and “glory/glorify” (kbd) is connected to “weight”. Therefore “to honor or glorify someone” semantically means “to recognize or express the weight of someone”. Idiomatically we might say “to recognize or express the importance of someone”.

The root of the Greek words “glory/glorify” is connected to “opinion”. Therefore “to glorify someone” semantically means “to have or express a high opinion of someone”. The root of the Greek words “honor/honor” is connected to “price” or “worth”. “To honor” someone semantically means “to value or express the value or worth of someone”. Idiomatically, we might say “to esteem or express esteem of someone” for both meanings.

The English semantic equivalents of the Hebrew and Greek words, then, are: weight, importance, good opinion, value, esteem. These words give a good sense of what it means to honor or glorify others. When we honor or glorify others, we show that we consider them weighty, important or valuable and we express a good opinion or esteem of them.

The Hebrew and Greek words for respect. The Hebrew words for “respect” are derived from the root for “fear” (yr’). The Greek words either have the same or a similar meaning. As stated above, in English we would not use “to fear” for “to obey” and we would not commonly use it for “to respect”. Yet, if we understand “fear” to be the recognition that certain things or certain persons must be treated carefully because of their power or position (it/they could be dangerous to us), we come close to the meaning of the English words “respect”, “reverence”, “awe”.

Showing Honor

“To honor others” is to express that we value them and consider them as of worth.

Those We Honor

We honor others for various reasons:

1)to recognize a relationship we have with someone or to recognize their position

•We honor those over us spiritually (God, ministers and priests, coordinators, et al.) (1 Th 5:12-13).

•We honor those over us in secular society (governors, employers) (Rom 13:7; 1 Pet 2:17; Mal 1:6).

•We honor those significantly older than us in age (Lev 19:32; Job 32:4).

•We honor men or women under us (John 5:27).

–Men honor their wives (1 Pet 3:7).

•We honor guests (Gen 18:1ff).

•We honor our brothers and sisters in the Lord (Rom 12:10).

•We honor all human beings (1 Pet 2:17).

We honor each category differently. In addition, we honor men and women differently.

We also honor corporate bodies or institutions out of loyalty or gratitude; for instance, church, nation, school, etc.

2)to give special recognition to others (special honor):

a)to recognize the benefits we have received from another out of gratitude. We especially honor those from whom we receive life (God, parents, masters/teachers in the Lord).

b)to recognize merit, that is, character or accomplishment (Est 6:1-11; 1 Tim 5:17)

c)to care for the weak (1 Cor 12:22-26), making an added effort to show that they are of value to us.

Showing honor should be mutual in every relationship.

Ways of Showing Honor

1)Recognizing others as of account or of worth

•Greeting people as we meet them; taking leave of them as one of us departs

•Introducing new people as they arrive

•Not ignoring others when they are trying to talk to us; responding to them

•Not walking past people when they are trying to talk to us; stopping to listen or giving a reason why we cannot stop to do so

•Paying attention when others are speaking to us or to the group

•Taking into account what others say, normally responding to it (that is, not just ignoring it)

•Not interrupting others, not dominating the conversation

•Avoiding humor that costs others honor; for instance, humor that expresses contempt or disdain, mocking, many kinds of mimicking

•Telling others when we are leaving; not just walking away

•Keeping others informed of our plans when they are dependent on us

•Not keeping people waiting who are expecting us at a certain time

•Not beginning to eat until everyone else is served, or at least those near us.

2)Expressing graciousness to them. See “Ways of Expressing Graciousness”.

3)Recognizing and respecting others’ rights over “their own”

•Accepting the order of a situation when we enter it (for instance, guests follow the order of the house)

•In someone else’s house, community, nation:

•requesting permission to enter

•requesting permission to use the possessions there

•following the practices (customs and manners) of the place where it would be helpful to do so.

4)Treating items personally connected to others with care; e.g. putting portraits of them in an honored placed or storing the portraits away, caring for their graves well.

5)Ways of showing special honor because of a special event (for instance, on a birthday, when a guest comes), because of a special relationship, or because of special merit:

•verbal praise

•material gift

•personal service (carrying things for them, doing errands)

•customs of precedence (standing when they enter; going to meet them).

“Showing Respect” includes further ways of showing honor.

Comments on Ways of Showing Honor:

•When we show honor (give gifts, do personal service), we should do it well — with reasonably high standards, not in a casual or sloppy way. It is a dishonor to give a moth-eaten gift.

•When honoring and being honored (including showing respect, following ceremonies, etc.), it is important not to joke negatively about it and helpful not to act uncomfortable.

General Comments on Showing Honor

We show honor somewhat regardless of merit. To be sure, people can behave in such ways that they deserve little if any honor and are appropriately deprived of the ordinary forms of honor (criminals, for instance). Nonetheless, normally we show honor because of relationship and regardless of merit. We honor our parents because they are our parents, not because they are better parents than other peoples’ parents. In fact, we honor them even if they do not seem to be such good parents. We recognize merit with special honor above the normal honor due in a relationship.

We should show honor to those to whom it is due (Rom 13:7). Showing honor is a duty, not necessarily a matter of special feeling. When we do not give people the honor that is their due, we dishonor them. On the other hand, not all honor is owed. Much is given freely because we recognize something good in another person or what they did, or because we appreciate it. The inner attitude expresses itself in external action.

We sometimes are freed of the necessity of showing normal honor to people when they do not or cannot behave in a way that allows honor to be given well. For example, when older people get senile, we often cannot follow normal courtesies in conversation with them (though we would probably try to “make up for” that with special courtesies). Or if someone has trouble with controlling their speech and rambles on too much in conversation, we can be allowed to disregard what they say or even interrupt.

Ways of Expressing Graciousness

Grace means “favor”, that which we give regardless of merit or desert. It is something we do not owe. It is the disposition to do favors for others, to be generous with them, to forgive, to overlook injuries and to forego compensation, to be generally friendly. “Graciousness” is the manner which expresses that disposition. Ways of expressing graciousness:

•When we want something, requesting it as a favor (for instance, “please”, “would you be so kind as to…”)

•When we receive something, expressing gratitude (for instance, “thank you”)

•Showing readiness to help (serve) beyond obligation (for instance, helpful directions, offering a chair, taking a phone message, offering information). Especially helpful in expressing graciousness is the extra service or courtesy that no one would have expected and is unlikely to be motivated by obligation or self-interest (for instance, the plate of cookies to the next door neighbor).

•Giving gifts

•Being ready to give the precedence (see “Ways of Showing Respect”, 3). We should only do so where there is no obligation to take the precedence. For instance, we should not give normally precedence to children, but may do so to a guest or neighbor to show graciousness (and honor)

•Being concerned for what concerns others (for instance, asking about them); seeking to do others’ preferences

•Going a little further (for instance, not just giving someone directions but setting them on the path); giving a little extra (for instance, throwing something extra into the business deal)

•Receiving what is given you gratefully, even if you do not want it. Eating what is set before you

•Helping in the manner of a servant (for instance, “at your service”, “may I help?”).

Comments on Expressing Graciousness

We express gratitude to people whenever they are not obligated to us for the services they perform for us. Children are grateful to their parents, even though the parents are obligated to God to care for the children, because the parents are not obligated to the children. Parents do not show gratitude to children for services the children perform (for instance, doing their chores) unless the services are extra, graciousness from the children; cf. Lk 7:7-10. They may and often should show appreciation or commend them for what they have done.

“Please” and “thank you” have become common courtesy in our cultures, and so they cannot be restricted to occasions of graciousness. For instance, we normally need to ask for things that are due to us by saying “please”

Showing Respect

The primary way to respect (fear) someone is to obey or submit to them. However, we can and should also act towards them in a way that expresses respect, and this we will term “showing respect”.

To show respect is to show honor to someone in a way that expresses our recognition of the fact that they are over us in some way. It is a recognition in our behavior of order and authority.

Those We Show Respect To

We show respect for various reasons:

1)to recognize a relationship we have with those who are over us:

•those who are over us personally (fathers, masters, our pastor)

•those who hold positions of authority in a grouping we are in that is a higher position than we hold; for instance, all the city councilmen of our city, all the coordinators of our community

2)to honor those who are older than we are or who hold certain positions

Comment: We often show respect to those who are not over us, but whom we wish to honor because we recognize the position they hold. For instance, we honor the elderly or receive the president of another country by showing respect. This is probably best understood as honoring them for their position or honoring their position by showing them signs of respect. It is not, strictly speaking, respecting them in the sense of showing them “fear” or expressing the fact that we are disposed to “fear” them. The main way to respect people is to obey them, but we should not obey all the elderly or the president of another country. Therefore, when we honor people of this sort by showing them respect, we are honoring them out of graciousness and recognition of their position, but not out of obligation because we are in some way under them.