Bylinda Qualtrough

COACHING SKILLS

byLinda Qualtrough

Noble Manhattan Publishing Linda Qualtrough

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

• Introduction

• Listening

• Intuition

• Curiosity

• Raising Awareness

• Self- Management

• Making a Lasting Change

• Pitfalls

• Summary

• References

Introduction

In this world of ever-increasing pace of change, people often find themselves being driven by life itself, rather than remaining in charge and deciding for themselves what their life will hold for them. To be in a position to keep up with this momentum, people have to learn to do things differently, to learn new tasks constantly and to become more creative in doing so. Therefore the way we relate to people in the workforce and at home, must change. Coaching, by definition encourages learning, creativity and delivers higher performance and seeks to maintain an overall balance in one`s life. By building confidence and respecting the individual, coaching promotes a culture where responsibility sits with the individual, not the Manager. This , in turn, encourages people to act more quickly, become more flexible, and make their own decisions. People come to a coaching relationship to find a better quality of life, and expect results. Coaching becomes an alliance between two equals to meet the client`s needs, to make a long-term difference to their lives. To be able to provide this, a life coach needs to possess certain skills. The list can go on, but this paper concentrates on the main skills required by a coach a) for the client to gain significant benefit from the relationship and b) for the coach to be fulfilled in the role they have adopted. Many of the skills are learned by experience. Reading is no substitute for experience but is important and complementary. . Obviously the more experienced a coach becomes and the better his/her skills of coaching become, the more pronounced the result is likely to be. By developing the skills talked about in this paper, coaches can be comfortable in the knowledge that they are able to help clients " make a difference" to their lives

Listening

Listening is the primary gateway for coaching, and a pre-requisite for all other coaching skills. The level of listening will determine the direction and success of any coaching session. The purpose of listening is to understand fully and by doing so to see things more clearly and be in a position to help people make better choices. When a person is truly listened to (a rare occasion for most), a client feels respected and understood and is more likely to reach and discover the real issues than if a coach listens only superficially and then provides premature feedback which distracts the client from further learning. Active listening is a total involvement in what the other party is saying. Most people tend to listen superficially and are unable to listen at a deep level. By learning to listen to our listening, we can become more effective coaches.

Listening is an active process, not passive. We receive information into our brain through many varied receptors - rate of breathing, pace of speech, pitch of voice, sense of pressure in the voice, any body language if face to face - and are very finely tuned to everything going on around us. Traditional life coaching is mainly conducted over the phone, taking away the majority of the body language which is present when talking face-to-face. Only 7% of the content of a message is received by the words alone - this staggering statistic shows the extent to which the coach`s sense of listening must be heightened if he/she is going to be effective in their communication. A coach has to concentrate much more keenly, and become attuned to the client to a much greater degree when not face-to-face. Having then received the information, it is what we do with it that is also most important and will determine the impact on theclient. Often this will be an unconscious action, but we can still see, and feel, the impact.

Text books tell us that there are three levels/depths of listening which if understood and practised can provide a far greater capacity for learning.

Level 1 - this is the level at which most people listen. All our attention is on ourselves and our feelings. We want to know more to meet our personal needs. Listening at this internal level tells us about ourselves, what is happening around us , allowing us to find out and understand things that affect us . Clients are, and should be, listening at this level 1 - to think about and understand themselves. As coaches, however, we need to listen at level 2 or 3.

Level 2 - this is more focussed listening, focussed on the client and not on ourselves. At this level, the coach acts like a mirror with all attention on the client`s expressions, words, what they say and what they don`t say, what is working for them and what is not. Information is reflected to the coach from the client via a direct channel between the two. The mind "chatter" which is often there in level 1 is now absent and the coach is no longer thinking his/her own thoughts, with his/her own feelings and judgements - coaching becomes spontaneous. The coach is aware of the impact his/her listening is having but no longer has to think what to say - it just happens. Most coaching happens at this level.

Level 3 - this global listening is often not experienced by people as it is so intense and requires considerable practice. It is like being in a room with information coming at you from all sides all at once. It requires a combination of action, inaction and interaction and is sometimes called environmental listening where you constantly notice, and measure, light and dark, temperature and energy levels. Listening at this level of intensity will provide a greater access to intuition. A coach will learn to trust their senses and react spontaneously. People who are successful influencers usually listen at level 3, they can read the impact they are having and immediately adjust the response or behaviour accordingly. To be able to do this, a coach needs to be very sensitive to the receipt of information from any source at any time, to "play with it" and then to see the result. In any coaching session, it is likely that both levels 2 and 3 are being used interactively.

Any block to good listening is termed "interference" - your own thoughts, ideas, opinions, expectations, assumptions and judgements. Interference detracts from the ability to truly listen to your client and therefore reduces the coach`s effectiveness. By learning to listen to his/her listening a coach can improve his/her ability to listen in one of three ways.

a)noticing when you are not listening - and doing something about it. Unfortunately this will always be reactive and therefore possibly noticed by the client. There is no substitute but to maintain your own integrity, own up to this temporary lapse of concentration and move on. The client will usually respect your honesty. Remember that you are both human and both can make mistakes.

b)Manage the communication ongoing. This will become more automatic as time goes on, but it is important that a coach looks to initiate communication, respond to communication and also acknowledge understanding. In this way the client will feel that the coach is really giving his undivided attention and is then more likely to progress to the real issues.

c)Summarise or paraphrase during the session. This is important for both coach and client. The coach is able to ask the client to confirm that his understanding is correct to that point, but the client also knows you are actively listening. By asking the client to summarise, it can provide some distance between the client and the issue - and sometimes this can have a positive effect on the result in that by creating this space the client may see the issue slightly differently .

When listening it is important for the coach to be able to "verbalise succinctly" what is being said and apparently meant by the client - by articulating clearly for the client without judgement. It allows the coach to spell out the situation as he/she sees it and to mirror/reflect back to the client what they have heard. "It sounds like…." gives the client the chance to add further clarification but also to feel that the coach is listening to what is being said - often appreciating for the first time when this happens, what they have actually said.

The relevant use of silence is also an excellent coaching skill closely linked to listening. It allows reflection and further thought. It prevents an interruption to the clients thoughts and allows deeper concentration on a particular issue. The coach must bear in mind, however, that if he/she thinks the client is not getting benefit by prolonging the silence, they should end it and move on.

Intuition

The ability to use one`s intuition sits closely with Level 3 listening and is another useful skill to help clients deepen their learning and further their action. Intuition is hard to explain or to verify which in turn makes it hard to accept at times. People often have been conditioned not to admit to being intuitive as it cannot be measured or recalled - and it does not fit into the usual scientific model.

Intuition is sometimes called the "sixth sense". As we grow and develop as people, we add to our level of intelligences and banks of information within our minds. Intuition is a kind of intelligence which can add "colour " to a situation. Intuition is not observable although its effects clearly are. It is a sensitivity that goes beyond the physical world. Everyone has a sense of intuition but we have to learn to use it just as musicians and artists have to develop their use of sounds and colours.

Intuition is a "hunch", which can be either right or wrong, and it doesn`t matter which. It must not become a judgement on which an opinion has already been formed - this would be an incorrect use and could indeed become counter-productive to a coaching situation. Intuition helps to forward the learning even when it is not correct. A coach`s interpretation is based on certain hunches or signals, partly based on observation from Level 3 listening and partly just inspiration . Intuition can be a visual image or just a thought - the important thing is to be open to it and to trust its use and importance in coaching sessions as a real way in which to forward the action and deepen the learning for the client.

Intuition is elusive, and often the harder we try to grasp it, the more difficult it becomes. The secret is to relax, adopt a soft approach and let it remain active just below our direct level of observation . A famous quote says " An open hand will hold it - it will slip through a closed fist ." For a coach to remain unattached to this concept of intuition can be challenging at times and is sometimes a reason used for not expressing it. People have a fear of being wrong or made to look foolish and aresometimes unable to make room for the possibility of getting it wrong from time to time. But the fact is that clients rely on a coach`s ability to use this skill - and by not using it coaches limit their potential to "make a difference."

Intuition appears in different places and in different ways for different people. It is worth an individual taking the time to find out where this is for themselves. It may be within the body, expressed as a "gut feeling" or a "tingling in the finger ", or it may be external to the body, above you or surrounding you. It can sometimes be expressed as a " mood " or an "ache". Wherever it is found, verbalising it gives it sense. Initially it may be necessary to remind yourself to use this "sixth sense" until it comes naturally and spontaneously. The source is irrelevant - what is important is that it is expressed as it appears, before the impact is lost.

Coaches should encourage their clients to experiment with their own intuition . Explaining that it does not rely on logic or evidence and that it doesn`t need corroboration will allow a client to compare their intuition with their logical mind. Some of the most powerful sources of intuition are the most unreasonable.

Curiosity

Just as intuition can " slip through a closed fist," so curiosity presents another paradox. It provides a quality of playfulness while at the same time being an extremely powerful way of opening doors for a client - doors that have been closed, locked and forgotten. Curiosity can be like a piece of string which is followed to see where it goes. A coach doesn`t need to see where it goes - the client knows the answer to this - but a coach needs to be curious to start this process of exploration. Questions are traditionally asked to obtain data for analysis, rational thinking and for explanations. Only by asking questions out of curiosity will we provide the opportunity for deeper and often more sincere information to be released.

Just as with intuition, people tend to limit their use of curiosity as they have traditionally learned that it is seen as a silly and quite immature approach and indeed, can get us into trouble. In coaching, this is totally turned to our advantage - by being curious we are able to adopt the stance of being a non-expert and therefore being able to explore with the client rather than imposing our world and ideas on them. Curiosity helps the client look for alternate routes to discovery.

By finding answers for themselves, clients become much more positive, resourceful and energetic!. Coaching starts from a belief that individuals have the answers they need, but sometimes need some support to find them! This is the environment in which true learning takes place and can lead to sustained change and growth. Curiosity builds relationships by allowing information to be revealed in an unchallenging manner, quite different from interrogation which clearly leads to defences being put up. It provides a safe environment for exploration, and can be used to "steer" the direction of a coaching session, without the coach having any particular direction in mind.

Like the skills already mentioned, curiosity needs to be developed - by practicing. The start point is an awareness of a coach`s own curiosity and a willingness to sample it. Clients will know the difference between a question being asked out of curiosity rather than for a specific purpose and answer, and by starting with " I wonder….." or "I`m curious……" , it allows the client to explore without feeling any pressure to provide a definitive answer. There is no right or wrong answer, and the client is free to "play" with ideas and often will generate deep and significant responses as a result. Below are a sample of the sort of questions a coach might ask a client to encourage them to experiment with their curiosity.

I wonder what you really want to feel about that?

I wonder what you would really need to believe in order to feel that way?

I`m curious as to what you would be willing to do to handle this right now?

I`m curious about what you could learn from this right now?

A coach must always maintain a watchful eye and ear on changes in the energy levels of client`s responses and be prepared to react accordingly. By using the clues given, a coach can then pursue various lines of exploration with the client and so enhance the learning process.

Raising Awareness

During a coaching session, the coach is trying to raise the level of awareness of the client throughout - by being an excellent listener and using curiosity and intuition as a norm. How is this best achieved? Well, in the main, by asking powerful questions. The cornerstone of successful coaching, asking questions will provoke responses, responses which will further the learning. We all know that closed questions will only encourage a short truncated response of "yes" or "no". The quality of the question therefore, will determine the quality of the response. Asking powerful, open-ended questions is like sending the client into a long/convoluted tunnel system which can lead to further tunnels, and so on. It can open up for them an enormous depth of exploration. Powerful questions invite the client to look into the future and again the type of question will dictate how far the client will look for an answer.