SUPERKNIFE!
By David Lowery
7-7-08
Colorado Springs, Colorado
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Tired of this?
Woman trying to cut a huge frozen roast with a cheap black plastic handled flimsy steak knife – the knife slips and cuts her hand. The woman quickly drops the knife and holds her hand up in pain.
We barely see a trickle of blood come out from between her hands right before we switch scenes, as if she (the actor)is really bleeding, but we didn’t want you, the viewer to see it. It’s a screw-up by the editor.
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And this?
Sixty year old crazed looking man wearing tan sweater in the kitchen trying to cut a section of steel I-beam with a flimsy knife. He gives up, shaking his fists in the air – and throws the knife at the ground.
Then we see a six year old girl screaming with horror as she sees a small dead dog on the floor with a knife through its middle.
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Then say hello to Superknife! It’s the latest innovation that’s totally taking the whole entire kitchen cutlery world by storm! It’s a super duper, amazingly versatile,“do anything-wonder knife” from the makers of Superfork! Swedish chefs have known the secret of Superkife for many years!
Swedish Chef posing with a bikini model.
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And now...for the first time,this ancient Swedish secret is revealed! Look, ordinary knives are made of cheap steel and get dull over time!
Close-up shot of a cheap, black plastic handled steak knife unable to saw through a broom handle.
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But Superknives are super tough and super sharp!
Close-up shot of the same cheap, black plastic handled steak knifecuttingright through a banana that looks a lot like a broom handle.
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It’s time to say “Goodbye” to all those low quality, dull and dangerous knives and say “Hello” to Superknife!
A beautifulbikini modelholds the knife with a smile.
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Get rid of all those dull, cheap knives forever!
A woman’s arm sweeping a hundred black plastic handled steak knives off a kitchen counter and into the wastebasket. When she finishes, several are stuck in her arm. Dramatic facial expression of pain and horror.
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Those days are over! Why do so many people put up with low quality cutlery?
Sixty year old man shaking his head in disappointment.
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It’s time to enjoy cutting things again!
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Superknife cuts through meat!
Close-up of knife cutting small mound of soft raw ground beef.
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The toughest vegetables!
Close-up of a knife with no edge at all barely able to cut a cucumber.
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Even bread!
Same knife cutting down on a single slice of soft wheat sandwich bread.
The following sequence shows the knife only starting to cut...just resting upon the objects.
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You’ll cut chicken!
Raw chicken quarter.
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The toughest Omelets!
Omelet.
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Nails!
Nail.
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It’ll even cut wood!
36 inch diameter log.
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Cheese!
Single slice of American cheese.
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Those pesky beams!
I-Beam.
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And just watch what it can do to a tomato!
Tomato.
A very stoned looking bushy white haired ASIAN CHEFin front of the camera.
STONED ASIAN CHEF
I use it to make a sushi!
An even more stoned looking MEXICAN CHEF in front of the camera.
STONED MEXICAN CHEF
I use it to make de tacos!
A drunk and very, very stoned looking sixty year oldGAY CAUCASIAN CHEF in front of the camera.
GAY CAUCASIAN CHEF
(Very defensively)
Hey! I use it too!
An extremelydrunk, stoned Asian chef with a bottle of whiskey on the counter.
CHEF WITH WHISKEY
(Swigs the bottle)
Whatever!
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We’re so sure you’ll love these knives, we’re willing to pay shipping! All you pay is handling!
Six year old girl from before smiling the world’s biggest smile with her hands high in the air.
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And, if you call within the hour, we’ll also include the Samurai Cleaver!
NINJA holding the cleaver up in an exotic fighting stance.
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Its razor sharp blade and heft means this knife is ready for work!
Closeup of the blade shows no sharpness at all – just a square edge.
Ninja karate chops a large raw roast with the cleaver, but hits it with the flat side, with a loud SLAP.
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BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Act now and we’ll include the Sportsman’s Superknife!
Cue the whistling from “The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.”
Close-up of the same black plastic handled knife stabbed into a rotating stumpdisplay. Camouflage background paper and a green camping lantern next to the stump.
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This useful outdoorsman’s knife will go with you anywhere...
Take it fishing!
Shot of a large commercial fishing vessel riding a huge wave in a violent storm.
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Take it camping!
Scene of a nice campsite with tent, SUV, 2 kids in chairs and pretty wife in a chair at the perfect campfire. It is a beautiful forest setting. The man is squatting and tending the fire. All is too perfect. Several seconds go by and nothing happens. The man shrugs his shoulders.
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Keep one at the office!
Creepy-faced businessman sitting at a huge desk, staring at the knife, which is the only thing on the desk. A much smaller businessman sits opposite the desknervous about what’s going on.
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Take it hunting!
Dick Cheney holding a shotgun in the woods, a man clutching his chest lying on the ground next to him. Cheney is shaking his head in disapproval.
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Keep one in the bedroom!
A woman smartly puts one on her nightstand and then settles into bed smiling. Her husband in bed next to her is veryconcerned.
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BUT WAIT...If you call in the next five minutes we’ll send you an extra Sportsman’s Superknife!
Quick shot of the rotating stump againand 1 SECOND OF THE WHISTLING.
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AND if you call before this commercial is over you’ll also get the Super Pizza Cutter Knife!
Exact same footage from the sportsman’s knife on the stump, but with ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING. Then hands hastily remove the camping lantern and camo background.
A smiling Italian chef with huge chef’s hat in front of the camera.
SMILING ITALIAN CHEF
It turns a pizza into a mincemeat!
Shot of the knife just starting to cut a pizza.
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BUT...call before the end of this sentence and we will also include, at no extra charge, except for shipping, the incredible Superknife Superscissors! They turn difficult cutting chores into child splay!
Close-up of old school, all metal, kindergarten scissors.
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Watch!
A large, suspicious looking man walking toward a small child with a bowl on his head. The man is wielding the scissors. The child is trembling with fear.
Next, we see clumps of hair falling on the kitchen floor. Then, the child is happy with a very short military style buzz cut.
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And it’s great for crafts too!
Overly surprised woman holds up a huge Japanese-style paper cutout which is incredibly intricate, as if it took a year to complete. The small girl is smiling and holding the scissors as if she made the thing.
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Call immediately and receive all the knifes pictured here!
A kitchen full of 1,000 knives all fanned out on countertops and stuck in tree stump displays with 2 or 3 China Doll women all giggling, the ninja guy in the attack pose,a large GONG sounds.
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So take out the trash!
Six year old girl from before holding a kitchen wastebasket heaping with black plastic handled steak knives. The dead dog barely visible behind her.
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And step up to Superknife!
China dolls and ninja guy all bowing Japanese style, hands clasped, and the huge GONG again.
WOMAN FROM BEFORE
Thanks, superknife!!!
The woman is barely able to hold up a 4 foot by 6 foot clamshell package of knives leaning against her body. Her hand is bandaged.
Now an extremely complicated screen with such things as 29.99% APR and various FEES and Surcharges and the Ninja waving a knife around.
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Superknife! Get the amazing superknife collection you just saw for only six easy payments of 79.99 plus shipping and handling. Sorry no C.O.D’s, R.P.G’s, or D.O.A’s. Just mail your Visa or MasterCard along with driver’s license, original social security card, birth certificate, and any and all PIN numbers to SUPERKNIFE! PO Box 2384723847 Saint Tahookeyville Proper, New Canterbury, South WestChester, England 834-99982306(565). Please include cash. Sorry, no money back if not delighted. Please visit our website at SUPERKNIFE is a registered trademark of Stinkle Enterprises.