Behind the Veil: a Look Inside the Mind of Men That Abuse

Behind The Veil: A Look inside the Mind of men that Abuse.

By: John G. Taylor, MA

Clinical/Christian Therapist

John G. Taylor’s

BIO

John G. Taylor, MA is a mental health therapist in Philadelphia, PAworking for an agency counseling clients that are “tripled” diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, a mental health diagnosis and a substance abuse addiction. Mr. Taylor also works as an Independent Contract therapist, for another agency in Philadelphia, PA. Working with individuals that are experiencing sexual abuse trauma, paranoid schizophrenia, bi-polar, depression, agoraphobia, domestic violence and ADHD.

Mr. Taylor received his Bachelors Degree in Criminal Justice from FayettevilleStateUniversity and has a Masters Degree in Christian Counseling from Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary, which allows him to integrate Theology with Psychology. While at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary he served as a member of the student council. Mr. Taylor is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors.

Mr. Taylor works extensively with men and women who are involved in abusive relationships. Mr. Taylor facilitates groups counseling over 1,000 men and developing programs for men that are abusers. The focus is on changing their behaviors teaching them about conflict resolution, negotiation and fairness, respect, better coping skills, better communication skills and the emotional, psychological and spiritual effects that their behavior has on them and their intimate partners. Mr. Taylor believes that Domestic Violence isn’t an anger management problem but about the choice to be violent.

Mr. Taylor had an extensive career in the Criminal Justice System in North Carolina, working as Correctional Officer, Probation Officer and Domestic Violence Counselor in the court system. This experience has allowed him to see the role that societal, economic, and environmental pressures have on the lives of individuals.

Mr. Taylor has appeared in a documentary “Domestic Violence the Killer” that was shown in all the jails in North Carolina. He is a certified Domestic Violence Counselor and certified HIV/AIDS Educator for the state of North Carolina. He has also been a radio guest on the Jeff Hodges Show and the KD Bowe Gospel Radio Show. Mr. Taylor began writing a monthly column called “The Reality Corner” in the Divine Inspirations Magazine an on-line Christian Magazine in June 2009.

Mr. Taylor is recognized speaker, workshop leader and lecturer on various topics. He is committed to helping individuals live life to their fullest potential. He believes that lives are rebuilt one minute at a time.

Behind the Veil: A look inside the mind of men that abuse.

Next month October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, so it’s for the reason that I decided to write this storyand take you inside the mind of men that abuse. I want to share the knowledge and experiences that I’ve had facilitating groups and counseling over 1,000 men that have abused their intimate partners. We have all seen the numerous stories of domestic violence that plagues our evening news reports, we have seen the leading story in our newspapers, we have lost a loved or friend due to domestic violence or you have been a victim. In all that we have seen or experienced we know that there are too many women and men dying, people being injured, men/women going to jail, far too many children growing up in violent homes to later become victims or abusers themselves andleft motherless and fatherless for this problem to not be brought to the forefront in our communities and churches.

In this story I will share with you what constitutes Domestic Violence, the national stats, the cycle of violence, the five types of abuse, the profile/characteristics of men that abuse, the DSM-IV diagnosis of abusers/batterers, treatment that works for this population, what the bible says about Domestic Violence, what you can do, your church, your community can do to end domestic violence and what I’m doing to reach men that are abusers/batterers. However, I will not be able to cover all aspects of domestic violence in this one story, so for more in depth information refer to my contact information at the end of this story.

What is Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is when a partner physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abuses their intimate partner or psychocially forces power and control over them. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures, races, religions, classes and same sex relationships. We find that domestic violence is perpetrated by men and women, 95% of reported domestic violence cases are men abusing women and 5% of reported domestic violence cases are women abusing men. We also know that we have pastors, deacons, policeman, laymen, blue collar, white collar and blue collar men abusing their partners.

NATIONAL STATS

1. Every 12 seconds a women is abused by her intimate partner in the US
2. 50% of offenders in state prisons for spousal abuse have killed their victims.
3. 37% of pregnant women are battered during pregnancy, including blows to the abdomen.
4. There are more animal shelters than there are shelters for victims of Domestic Violence in the US.
5. Battering is the leading cause of injury to women sending over 1 million every year to doctor’s offices or emergency rooms.
6. 50% of all homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home.

These numbers are staggering and remember this is only what is reported to the police, imagine how many more women are being abused but never report it to the police. In my career that has spanned over 10 years working with batterers/abusers I’ve seen these numbers grow. When I travel and give presentations I’m always reminded by the humanity of doing this work when I meet volunteers, advocates and victims that are working to find ways to end domestic violence in our society.

I want to now talk about the cycle of violence that we see in Domestic Violence relationships: (1) Tension building (In this phase there is usually tension building from the batterer/abuser and there is usually an argument) (2) Incident (this is where the assault happens)and (3) Honeymoon phase (this is where the batterer/abuser apologizes for his behavior buying the victim gifts or flowers) This cycle repeats itself until the victim or abuser ends the relationship. Domestic Violence never starts out on the first date; with many of the men that I’ve worked with they stated” If I punched her on the first date, she would never see me again, so I do everything gradually”.

There are five types of abuse and they usually start with the less noticeable first and become more obvious as the abusive relationship continues.

The Five Types of Abuse

1. Emotional (killing pet, playing mind games)
2. Verbal (calling names)
3. Technological (GPS system /Face booksabotage)
4. Sexual (forcing sex while sleep or based on the bible)
5. Physical (killing, punching, choking)

I’m sure now you asking so who are these men, will I know that he is an abuser by looking at him, what makes them tick and what signs can I look for in a mate to determine if my partner is an abuser/batterer. These are all good questions and I will tell you that no you can’t tell if someone is a batter/abuser by looking at them but there are some tell-tale signs and behaviors that will help you determine if someone is a batterer/abuser. As we look deeper behind the veil you will find that thebatterers want to exert power and control over another person. Also you will find that most batterers/abusers make excuses for their behavior. The most common excuse that I’ve heard is “I was angry and I couldn’t control myself” I always tell them that Idon’t believe this because if this was true when they get angry other places they would automatically start fighting but they don’t, they wait until they get home and take it out on their intimate partners because it’s safe. You will also find that mostbatterers/abusers have come from homes were they witnessed their father abusing their mother and learn that this is how you are to treat women. There is also the influence of society, peer pressure and the violence of television that attributes to some men becoming abusers.

So looking deeper into the mind of the abuser I want to now provide you with a few of the behaviors that are typical for batterers.

Profile of an Abuser/Batterer

1. Jealousy (They believe that this shows the victim how much he loves her, questioning her constantly about whereabouts, and jealous of time she spends away from him).
2. Controlling behavior (I’ve had clients who’s victim couldn’t get a job, leave the house or bathe without his permission)
3. Pressures partner for quick relationship commitment (I’ve had clients that willtell the victim they love her after 4 dates to make sure she didn’t get away.)
4. Isolation (Makes partner move away from family and friends so that she depends on him solely for support.)
5. Forces her to have sex against her will (I’ve had several clients who forced their partners to have sex with their friends and forces sex when she is asleep.)
6. Holds very rigid gender roles (Believes that her job is just to cater to him, he is the “king of the castle.”)

These are just a few of the profiles of a batterer, men that are abuse are very clever, smart, and extremely charming. Most of the men that I worked with have a personality that anyone who meets him will usually like them because their art is to deceive and manipulate everyone. This is why often times if a victim does report a domestic violence incident she is not easily believed because people usually say “not him, he is so nice’ “you are so lucky to have such a caring man” All of this plays into the design of the batterer because if he gets people outside of the home to buy into his deceit the victim has little if no support. Most batterers are seen as “Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde’ because of the stark contrast in their public and private selves. When we look into the mind and behaviors of the batterers the DSM-IV gives us some diagnostic criteria/diagnosis for this population.

Diagnosis of Abusers/Batterers

1. Antisocial Personality Disorder,(deceitfulness, repeatedly lying, use of aliases or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.)
2. Borderline Personality Disorder (a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships by alternating between extreme idealizations and devaluation.)
3. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.)

There are more personality disorders but these three are the most common that you will find in batters/abusers because these explain clinically what is going on with the batterer/abuser mentally. When we look at the profile/characteristics of batterers/abusers we can clearly see how this diagnosis will be found in this population.

As we start to look at treatment for this population, I have to say that most of this population doesn’t come into treatment until the partner calls the police and they are court ordered to attend treatment or they seek help when the partner threatens to leave.(Note: Victims are at higher risk to be killed when they decide to leave their abusers; this is why some women stay). So once batterers are at this point, treatment is very important.

Treatment for this population

Group Therapy is important because it allows the batterer to be confronted by his peers on his behavior. I’ve facilitated groups with 16 men in the room at times it would become very confrontational but it was important for the men to be held accountable for their behavior by other men and group facilitators. Group Therapy focuses on weekly topics about: Respect, effective communication skills, honesty and how to handle your emotions. These are just a few of the topics that I address in my groups. The main point is that whatever topic is being discussed the batterers/abuser must be held accountable.

Individual Therapy (this is also a good form of treatment because it gives the batterer more time to express himself without the interruption of others, but even in this therapy the batterer has to be strongly confronted and held accountable for his behavior.) Also, you will find that in individual therapy the batterer/abuser will want to bring his partner to the sessions. I strongly disagree with bringing the partner to any sessions initially not until they have addressed their issues separately and then at approximately session 6 or 7 I will conduct couples therapy very cautiously.

I need to say that batters can change they can stop their abusing behavior and treat their intimate partner the way that God has intended for men totreat their partners. I have seen many men change their behavior, so wemust hope and never believe that anyone is lost in their behavior. I remind myself that people aren’t their behavior, it’s just what is manifested on the surface and we must get beneath the surface and deal with the root cause. Because God has shown us all mercy, graceand forgiveness so we must do the same for these men.

What does the Bible say about Domestic Violence?

The bible to me speaks clearly against violence and against hurting others, because doing so also hurts God. In 1 Corinthians Ch 3: 16-17 Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? 17If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple. This scripture to me cries out to victims of domestic violence saying to them “don’t you know who you are, don’t you know who made you” emphasizing to them that they were designed by God for greatness not for abuse. This scripture also speaks to the batterer letting them know that you can’t destroy my child and think that there is no consequences for your behavior, so even here God is saying I will hold you accountable for hurting my child. So we as Christians must also hold these men accountable.

Also 1 John 4:16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.I believe that this passage speaks totally against the motive of the batterer, because batterers get their love from the victim through fear, and perfect love isn’t fear. I always asked the women do you love him, the response usually is “Yes, I have to or he will get angry”. I tell them this isn’t love because love doesn’t hit or hurt.

You may ask now how can I help, what can I do to help stop domestic violence below I have few suggestions for you:

What can you, your church and your community do to help end Domestic Violence

1. Become educated about Domestic Violence
2. Start a Domestic Violence Ministry at your church
3. Start a Support group for victims (Trained Facilitators)
4. Start an Accountability group for batterers/abusers (Trained Facilitators)
5. Volunteer at a Battered women’s shelter
6. Start or participate in a walk/run against Domestic Violence
7. Men we must hold our friends accontable, if your buddy is assaulting his intimate partner you must speak against it, offer to get him some help or stop being friends with him.
8. DON’T BE SILENT, BECAUSE YOUR SILENCE GIVES PERMISSION TO THE VIOLENCE.

As I concluded this story I want to talk about what efforts I’m making to help men that are abusers stop and understand the impact that their violence is having on our community, their partners, their children and themselves.

What I’m doing to reach and help men stop or prevent Domestic Violence

I’m telling anyone that will listen that Domestic Violence is a problem;that Domestic Violence isn’t an anger management problem but a choice to be violent. I conduct workshops for communities, churches, seminaries and schools. In a hope to reach anyone that needs the help. I also encourage women/men if your brother or father is abatterer/abuser gets him some help because often times we keep this secret in our families and it’s killing us. I also conduct individual sessions for men that are abusers. I’m excited to announce that starting October 1, 2009 I will start a Batterers Intervention Group in Philadelphia, PA (see ad in this edition) I believe that God has uniquely designed me to meet the needs of this population and I want to help these men heal, recover, feel empowered and become the mighty men that God has called them to be.