Before And After Divorce Life Challenges!
Copyright by NITIN KANANI, 2017
The Truth About Lawyers
During the matter of my divorce (that’s lawyer talk – it’s always the matter of this and the matter of that), I spent about $30,000 on three different attorneys in an extremely frustrating effort just to be able to see my own children. As each lawyer failed to obtain one single worthwhile benefit for me, I fired them and hired another one. I couldn’t help but notice that I was never allowed to speak directly to the judge and I felt that these people were not saying what I wanted them to say as well as I could. So in the end I fired them all and decided to represent myself in court In Propria Persona (as my own attorney). It was then that I learned the most important lesson of all:
The Name of the Game in court is: DON’T PISS OFF THE JUDGE!
The hard truth of the matter is that attorneys have to work with the judges and with the other attorneys every day. A client is just a client and when the case is over, it’s over and they need to get on with the next one. It’s really all about careers and about relationships, and the attorneys’ daily business relationships are with other attorneys. They have ethical guidelines which compel them to show respect even if they don’t like each other. But when it comes to the judges it’s not a matter of like or dislike. The judges are little gods and the reality is that they have huge caseloads which just get larger no matter what they do, and the attorneys understand that the way to help the judges is to move the cases through court as quickly as possible. Help a judge do that and you’re on their good side. Take too long with one particular client and you’re not. DON’T PISS OFF THE JUDGE or the judge will find a way to take it out on you and you will not like it when that happens. One particular judge actually said to me “I don’t get angry, I get even”. Attorneys don’t have to be told that, they know it. They understand that a career can be lost by alienating a judge and that relationships can be jeopardized by alienating their peers. The vast majority of attorneys will not risk their careers or jeopardize their professional relationships for any one particular client.
So does anybody really need an attorney? The law actually implies that we don’t because we are given the right to represent ourselves in court if we choose to. Does anybody really want you to know this? Definitely not, because if everybody represented themselves, how would all the law school graduates make a living? But here’s the big problem. When you think you need an attorney, it’s almost always because you’ve gotten into some kind of serious trouble and you think that the stakes are too high if you lose. It’s kind of like needing a new roof. Nobody even thinks about their roof until it’s too late and the thing is leaking uncontrollably. And it’s only then that they find out how incredibly expensive a new roof is, and how impossible it is to educate yourself properly on the subject in order to know how to spend all that money and not get ripped off. Similarly, until you’re in serious trouble, you probably don’t even think about having to choose an attorney. And now the stakes are much higher than when you need a new roof because with the roof, the great danger is spending a lot of money and not getting what you paid for. With your legal difficulty, it could be about having to go to JAIL, not to mention spending a lot of money on an attorney and then having to go to jail. So when you’re in that situation, the conventional wisdom is unanimous – get the best attorney you can afford.
So you bust your budget and make your selection. You sit there in court and watch the attorney do his/her job. How are you supposed to be able to know whether the best possible job is being done for you? There’s no way to know because you don’t understand the game that’s being played out. After all is said and done, the judge calls both attorneys into chambers and the goal of the meeting is to find a compromise solution that will move the case out of court. The attorneys do their thing and then they come back into court and tell you, “This is the best possible deal you’re going to get. Trust me. If you don’t take this deal, you’re going to make the judge angry and you will never get this deal again.” What can you do? Nothing. You just lost.
But if you ever make the decision to represent yourself in court, you’d better understand how to behave properly or you will really piss off the judge. Here are the basics of good courtroom behavior:
1.Don’t digress. Make your points quickly, logically, and in logical order.
2.Always look the judge directly in the eyes when talking.
3.Forget your ego and just grovel. Say “your Honor”, “with all due respect”, “forgive my ignorance” and things like that.
4.Dress well. Notice that the attorney's all wear suits. Now why do you think they do that? Because they all own stock in Brooks Brothers?
5.When you do get your chance to go back into chambers, follow rules 1 through 4 again.
If you can master these basics, you will find that an amazing thing happens. The judge will be entertained by you simply because what you’re doing is very rare and it’s not what they have to sit through every day. If you’re good and stick to the basics, the judge will bend over backwards to assist you. Of course, there is the matter of knowing the law and proper court procedure. It’s possible to lose a case just by missing a trick and being beat to the punch by your opposing attorney on a simple point of order. So . . . do you need an attorney? Probably you do, but maybe you don’t. I didn’t.
If you think divorce is the only option…read on!
Going through the Pain Barrier
Nobody likes pain but it's there for a purpose. I am a long time supporter of The Leprosy Mission and one of the things that I've discovered about leprosy is that it's not normally the disease that results in a person's fingers or toes falling off, its the fact that the disease of leprosy stops a person being able to feel pain and so they will unconsciously burn themselves badly and not feel it. The nerve endings have been damaged and so they cannot feel pain at all and the results, more often than not, are the hideous deformities that we now associate with a leper. A leper would love to feel pain because they know that pain is given to us to warn our bodies that something is wrong that needs put right, if possible. Pain is not always a bad thing.
I run marathons. Do you think I feel pain when I run a marathon? You bet I do! A marathon is one of the supreme tests of endurance that average people can undertake. During the run your body uses up all its stores of carbohydrates and other necessary body fuels and then begins to feed off itself it turns cannibal, if you like. This is painful. As well as that, it is not uncommon to pull a muscle, develop a blister, get a stitch, hurt your joints or any other number of painful ailments. Your body is telling you to stop, this is damaging to it! In this context, pain is your body's natural way to tell you that you are overdoing it and of course you are. However, all of us can overdo it for a lot longer than we think is possible initially. We can learn to acknowledge the pain and, whilst taking steps to minimise it, we can still run on and on. Mind over matter if you like.
One of the great acts of heroism I ever witnessed was during an Olympic marathon when the Tanzanian representative fell during the race badly injuring himself. He got up and struggled on in obvious pain whilst all the other runners disappeared up the road in front of him. It was demoralising for him but he refused to give up. He struggled on and entered the stadium with only a few people still left in the stands to cheer him home. He finished the race with blood pouring from his leg wound just as they were taking down the finishing line and a television reporter asked why he hadn't just given up after falling so badly. His response was brilliant. He replied, My country did not send me here to start a race. They sent me to finish a race! Too many of us start the race but are not so committed to finishing.
I am firmly convinced that if a couple acknowledge to each other that there will be times of pain then they will be better able to cope with it for a period when it happens. In the western world, we have been brought up with this strange belief that we should never suffer and so, when we inevitably do hit times of suffering, we have not prepared ourselves to handle it properly. I have a friend who lectures on philosophy in universities in many third world countries. He says that one question he is never asked in third world countries is, Why does God allow suffering? The reason for this is that suffering is just such a normal part of their lives that they cannot imagine that anyone doesn't suffer. In fact its the suffering that makes them into the people they are. Can you accept that suffering makes you a better person?
Here are five things we can do when we feel pain in our relationship:-
1. We need to acknowledge that there is pain and try to isolate what is causing it.
As we have said already in regard to the lepers, pain has a purpose. It tells us that something is not right. When we feel pain in our relationship we need to stop and analyse why we are feeling that particular pain. When I was an accountant and had a bit more money at my disposal, one of the things I would do when I felt some pain in my marriage was to throw a bit of money at it. Wed take a holiday, go for a nice meal, buy some new clothes, get our hair done up (well at least my wife would do this). Now, if you've got the resources, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things but we need to be aware that by distracting our minds for a little while from the cause of the pain it doesn't make the pain go away long term. It only puts a plaster over a wound that needs treatment. However, all we were doing by throwing money at our problems was delaying the inevitable and sooner or later we would have a big argument.
It's a bit like developing a toothache. Sure, you can dull the pain by putting some painkilling drug on your gum but if the cause of the pain is not dealt with, we know that it will flare up again, and next time even more painfully. Indeed if we kept on ignoring the pain then it might result in a tooth being removed. What started out as a simple toothache resulted in surgery. Not good.
In marriage there are a number of ways of figuring out what is causing the pain. Most of them common sense. You could try just talking to each other. Now theres a novel suggestion! You could try doing the simple exercises in chapter 2 of this book and then discussing the results. You could talk to a professional counsellor who is trained to get to the bottom of painful issues. Whatever you decide to do it is crucial that you do something and do not ignore your pain. Once again the keyword is action.
2. The second thing we can try when pain rears its probing head is something that might seem very obvious but it is worth starting again just in case you miss it. Make sure that the pain you feel is associated with your marriage and not something else, like your job or even your children. So often we can be under pressure at our work and then come home and take it out on our partner. This is called displacing the pain. One of the things that I had to learn to do was to actually say to my wife, when I came home after a particularly hard day at work, that I was feeling stressed and tired. At first it felt like a confession of weakness and it wasn't easy for me to admit that sometimes I wasn't coping as well as I'd like to pretend. When I admitted as much to my wife, almost every time she was able to understand and take a bit more of the household pressure for a short time.
On other occasions the pressure was in the other direction and after a hard day of dealing with young children my wife would sometimes take out her frustrations on me. If I failed to recognise that this was happening the result could easily be a full-blown argument over pain that had been displaced. It is very important to be able to admit to feeling under pressure and to ask for some help from your spouse. If you don't, the pain you feel elsewhere will automatically come out in your marriage.
3. The third thing to fix in your mind and believe is that pain is not a signal that your marriage is over.
When I'm running a marathon I need to keep reminding myself that pain is a totally natural for this event and expected part of the race. I do not give up at the first twinge or even at quite severe pain. I battle through it. Of course, I have to put up with some pain if I want to finish the race. One thing that drives me nuts these days is when I read a report in a newspaper of the latest celebrity couple who have split up citing irreconcilable differences as the cause. What they are really saying is that they encountered a wee bit pain and so just gave up! Usually they live such a pampered lifestyle that any sort of pain is just not acceptable and so they walk away (to repeat the exercise with someone else). Do not succumb to this modern malaise. If you never learn how to put up with a bit of pain, every relationship you enter into will head down the same path. If you don't believe me, just check out the marriages in Hollywood. Don't become a quitter. Pain is not the end it's a sign that something needs to be done. In fact, it can be a beginning if you let it.