Attachment Core Pattern Therapy Interventions

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Attachment Core Pattern Therapy Interventions,

Vacillator & Avoider

Box 1: Vacillator has a buildup of anxiety and tension.

What’s going on?

Vacillators have poor self-observation and reflection skills and need continual practice at describing their inner state. Leader legitimizes the old and familiar swirling reactive thoughts and subsequent feelings. Vacillator is challenged to trace the history of these ruminations and obsessive thought patterns. A history of abandonment (chronic or acute) most often can be found.
Empathy for the little hurt one inside is paramount to the healing process. Leader contains the vacillator by saying “I see you little one, I won’t forget you are there.”
Irritability and agitation at the lack of “ideal” must be addressed. The world is broken and reality falls short of ideal. Vacillators are chronically frustrated by the gap between ideal and real.
Vacillators are so quick to react, they are unable to put into words the fear and anxiety that precede angry outbursts. All vulnerable feelings end up expressing themselves as anger.
Many times, the Vacillator as a child fantasized about what the future would be like. They can maintain this fantasy until the reality of adult romantic relationships brings the idealized future to a screeching halt. Instead of embracing the reality of a broken world, they blame the person who “spoiled” the ideal and believes they are the problem.
Vacillators must realize that the present day primary attachment figure (spouse) is triggering an old wound and turbo-charging / intensifying the present reactivity toward the spouse. While the feelings are real and valid, the erroneous conclusions, accusations and anger is damaging and unacceptable.
Preoccupied Vacillators are shame based and very self- conscious. As a result they are in a continual state of ruminating about relationships and social situations which manifests inconstant internal conversations rehearsing idealized hopes and reviewing current and past hurts and disappointments (reviewing & rehearsing).
Preoccupied / ambivalent attachment (vacillators) exist on a continuum of mild, moderate to severe. With the more severe states, an SSRI / SNRI can be very helpful to reduce overall anxiety, obsessive thoughts and panic.
Perceptions of abandonment, even ever so slight will trigger them. This includes opinions, values, thoughts, differences in feeling states, likes & dislikes, hopes & dreams. Practically, they don’t allow others to individuate and differentiate.
Departures and arrivals are fraught with internal conflicts. Departures are very stressful (Will you miss me / need me?). They will often pick a fight to make the departure easier. The hopes and high expectations anticipating the spouse’s arrival set the Vacillator up for big disappointment.

Interventions: (Vacillator)

The vacillator needs to be educated to learn to become aware of the anxiety and other vulnerable emotions and the preoccupied thoughts that build tension toward anger.
My historical injuries created sensitivities which in turn sets the stage for my present day hurts. Others who have not experienced my hurts do not feel the same way.
Using the soul word list, I will journal daily to keep track of my feelings, especially paying attention to the vulnerable feelings that precede anger such as hurt, fear, shame and embarrassment.
I will empathize with the little self that was abandoned or misused and realize his or her feelings and thoughts are still with me today.
I will ask for help from those close, and talk about the hurt feelings as opposed to attacking the person who triggered the feelings.
I and everyone else will make mistakes and fall short today. While as a child it was shameful, as an adult brokenness is a daily reality. I will accept an integrated view of others. I will resist the temptation toward the extremes of idealization & devaluing; good & bad; all or nothing. To not do so is to keep myself in a state of constant agitation.
I will try to keep in mind that my attacks further alienate others and sabotage the very closeness that I desire.
I will not assume intentions or ascribe motives. I will identify assumptions and verify the other’s perspective and accept their word as truth.
When I feel dark, I will look for the good within myself and in the person(s) or institution that disappointed me. I will learn to integrate good and bad in myself and others.

Interventions: (Avoider)

Before Box 2 even gets started, the Avoider must choose to not default into their deeply engrained tendency to avoid conflict and negative emotions. They must decide to engage by becoming proactive as opposed to reactive. They need to be attentive and watchful, looking for stress responses and the buildup of anxiety. They need to say, “You seem preoccupied, what’s going on inside?” Ask the Vacillator to make an “I feel and I need” statement or make a request versus a complaint.

Box 2: Vacillator’s discharge of anxiety and tension.

What’s going on?

The agitation and buildup of anxiety and tension explodes on the nearest lightening rod. The attack includes accusations, assumptions of motives, judgments, historical recounting of all other offenses resembling the most recent hurt.
Dark moods / mood shifts are strong and powerful. Inwardly, the Vacillator has gone to an all dark place. A common “discharge” or strong statement may involve a commitment to a cause, crusade or fad. This functions as a temporary distraction which abates the distressful ruminations and obsessions. These causes, crusades and fads are attempts to reach toward an ideal hope, dream or goal. Examples: “I’m going to run the Boston Marathon.” “We’re going to adopt or become a foster parent.” “Let’s put our kid in a private school.” “I’m going to home school,”

Interventions: (Vacillator)

“I will resist “projections” and assumptions. I will speak in “I” statements such as: “I really got triggered at this morning when you were talking to the pastor, I was not acknowledged and I felt so abandoned and shameful.”
May I share a hope or dream with you?”
“I feel my anxiety building and want help with my tension before it turns to anger.
“I have shifted to a dark place, I got triggered. I need to process my sensitivities.”

Box 3: Avoider dismisses.

What’s going on?

The Avoider’s initial shock stuns and triggers them rendering them instantly defensive. Being dismissive, minimizing, counterbalancing and defending only escalates the Vacillator’s rage.

Interventions: (Avoider)

Tell the Vacillator you’re getting triggered and dysregulated as well. Ask them to slow down the process, and you will hear them out.”
Instead of debating the fallacious accusations, empathize and lean in to the Vacillator with empathy. “Wow! Something hurts. You must have gotten triggered, tell me about it. Tell me what’s been going on in your thoughts and emotions? How long have you been thinking about all of this?”
Don’t fear them. They are a hurt little child inside. Appeal to the little child.
Learn a repeatable “mantra” , “A person as angry as you are right now has a lot of hurt inside from the past.” “I’m not the source of your original hurts, yet I feel as though I receive all your anger.” “When you rage at me, it keeps me from being close to you which is what you really crave.” “Who in your past hurt you so? … Let’s get help for that little boy or girl.”
Try to tie the present hurt to a past offense. You are very angry at me right now, did someone else hurt you in a similar manner? Perhaps you should be mad at them also.”

Box 4: Vacillator Escalates

What’s going on?

If the Vacillator feels invisible, dismissed, misunderstood and their reactivity will further escalate.

Interventions: (Vacillator)

I will announce a 10 minute time out, breathe deeply and seek to calm the reactivity. I will ask for a Do Over and attempt to readdress the feelings and ruminations in Box 1 in which I will “own” my sensitivities that render me easily triggered.

Box 5: Avoider fights & flees.

What’s going on?

The avoider gets further triggered and flooded and lashes out in anger and leaves the presence of the Vacillator.

Interventions: (Avoider)

I will review my history and remind myself of how and why I became an Avoider. I will breathe and seek to reengage with compassion for myself and for my spouse. Despite my fears, I will try to stretch myself and empathically engage while confessing my fears.
Avoider needs to call for a 10 minute time out, assess the dismissive and minimizing mistakes, go back and admit his or her fault’s from Box 3. Ask for a “Do-Over” and ask the Vacillator to share their feelings from Box 1.
I will look my spouse in the eye, move closer in a caring engaging manner, and ask them what hurts inside.

Box 6: Vacillator’s black & white statements.

What’s going on?

This is the pinnacle of the emotional reactivity in which the only way the Vacillator can relieve the frustration is to make global statements like, “Its over! I’m done! I’m getting a divorce!” They devalue the spouse to such an extreme level that all they feel is contempt and disgust for the spouse.
In some cases, the reactivity can become so extreme, they will rage for hours at the spouse. On occasion, they will become physically violent directly at the spouse (hit, slap, spit) or throw and break things.

Interventions: (Vacillator)

I must not let historical rage dominate the present. My reaction does not match the infraction. I’ve felt this reactive for as long as I can remember… before I met my spouse. I am causing damage to everyone in the house. I must take a time out, leave the house and grieve, cry, pray, exercise, call a friend until my intensity subsides.
Later, I will apologize for my behavior and ask for a Do-Over.

Box 7: Avoider shuts down.

What’s going on?

Avoider flees, may strike or push back in severe cases. Deeply hurt and scared, a complete shutdown occurs and the Avoider exits without any explanation.

Interventions: (Avoider)

I will resist “fleeing and avoiding” rather, I will establish appropriate boundaries with opportunity to re-connect if boundaries are respected.
With empathy for both self and other, I will declare my intentions of resolution vs. abandonment. Ask for Do-Over.
If they are verbally abusive, I will walk away and tell them that you will return when they stop hurting you. If they are physically abusive, leave the house and call 911.

Box 8: Vacillator’s calm after the storm.

What’s going on?

After the explosive reactions subside, the exhausted Vacillator retreats into the old familiar inner world of reviewing and rehearsing in which they see themselves as the victim. They assign negative motives to the Avoider as a means of comforting themselves and justifying their actions.
Vacillators may feel guilt and shame but rarely discloses this to anyone.

Interventions: (Vacillator)

While I may feel relief after venting the tension from Box 1, I must realize that others in the home were traumatized by the experience. I will preparing to go and repair and asking for an apology for my outbursts and frightening behavior. I will seek to improve family health as opposed to opposed to further building my case of animosity and resentment toward the spouse.

Box 9: Avoider waits.

What’s going on?

The Avoider does what he or she has always done, they “wait it out” and when the storm is over and some sign of normalcy appears, they reengage and “comply” with the Vacillator’s positive mood shift while hiding, stuffing their own feelings.
Absolutely no resolution or repair takes place, the Avoider never readdresses the question, “What happened?”

Interventions: (Avoider)

I will resist the temptation to wait until things cool down and just let sleeping dogs lie. I recognize my historical lack of engagement is damaging to all my relationships.
I will make every attempt to listen to the original hurts in Box 1 as well as share the deep hurt felt by the core pattern.
In their “lucid moments” I will firmly yet gently explain to them their double standards or describe their areas where they can’t see the impact of their anger. Reflect to them that the intensity of their rage does not match the offense.
When they soften and feel sad I won’t punish them by holding them at bay, rather I will use it as an opportunity to build non-sexual nurture and comfort. I will try to encourage them / us to cry about childhood hurts.
I will confess my own shortcomings and ask them for their confession as well. I will share how much my overall pattern of emotional disinterest is hurtful.