Thanksgiving

(Another Excuse to Drink Heavily)

Did you ever use a tape measure to purchase a turkey or tell the butcher shop that the turkey can only be 11” tall? Did you ever split a 30 pound turkey 3 ways? Do you enjoy shopping for 10-12 hours or playing 18 holes of golf with a hangover (these last two items are gender specific but in order to keep peace at WinoManor we won’t go into who does what or who does who)? If so, you may want to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with WinoMike and the WinoFamily. This is the big holiday of the year at WinoManor that has an ever changing cast of characters. It’s 4 days of excessive gluttony in every shape and form and probably a few that cannot be mentioned in polite conversation. It’s a time for everyone to be “faced” for the stated reason of it’s nice to see you all and if we weren’t “faced” the holiday wouldn’t be so enjoyable.

This perverted tradition started sometime in the 80’s (can’t remember exactly when as this was another one of those hazy decades) when WinoWife, Brother (sometime later a sister-in-law) and I decided to have Thanksgiving dinner. WinoWife sent Brother out to the Giant to pick-up a turkey for the three of us. Armed with a tape measure and fortified with a few brews off he stumbled. At the Giant, Brother is measuring up the sucker when a passing shopper says “young man why are you taking measurements of a turkey? Well he replied “I want to make sure it fits” thinking that Brother is some sort of pervert, and not sure about the fit part the kind lady quickly shuffles off. Arriving home Brother is greeted by “Are you nuts?” by WinoWife “a 33-pound turkey for 3 people!!” Well replied Brother “we don’t want no capons”, and “don’t want any of those 18-20 pound pigeons” thus a tradition was born Big Bird for Thanksgiving regardless of how many people show up. We now have a 30 pound minimum. This first Thanksgiving was followed by a month of turkey sandwiches, turkey croquettes, turkey tetrazzini, turkey hash, turkey chili, and oh well you get the picture. Small wonder we only have turkey once a year at WinoManor. This past year the extravaganza was held at Brother’s house. Having recently moved into a new house Brother discovered among other things that he also has a small oven, only 12” tall, so this years order to the butcher was as big as possible not to exceed 11” tall. The result was a capon, a 22-pounder, by far our smallest ever, disappoint prevailed, tears were shed, odds are that we see a new oven at Brothers by 2004.

The tradition over the years has evolved into a well ordered mêlée. The main meal is alternated between WinoManor and Brother’s place. Since this tradition has been going on, the guests arrive earlier and depart later but the main events take place from Wednesday evening through Sunday. Used to be the guests arrived on Wednesday and departed on Sunday, but now some relatives show up a week before and depart a week after. Some now need a moving company to help with their luggage. They tell us it is to beat the traffic; it can’t be they miss us and want to spend “quality time” with us? Anyway the official festival starts out on Wednesday night at that year’s host’s house for “work night”. All invites are assembled to “help out” with the preparations for the “big day”. The only thing that’s gets “helped out” is the wine and liquor supply, it gets “helped out” of the house. The traditional fare for this night is trays of baked ziti, Italian gravy, WinoDad’s bread and the all grief that you can dish out. This year’s ziti fest was accompanied by a wonderful 2001 Torciano Chianti that sells for under $10 per bottle. This well-made, light, very smooth, fruity Chianti is imported and sold by Schneider’s of Capital Hill At this price it is a “must” for your every day slurping and it accompanies red-sauced Italian fare and red grilled meats to perfection. During this raucous exchange of opinions, the hosts attempt to make the stuffing and cook the gizzards. Watching a turkey’s innards boil is really an appetizing sight. The stuffing is a concoction that I believe is Brother’s recipe consisting of three types of bread, an equal number of sausages, and a healthy blast of Tabasco sauce; just enough to light-up the back of your mouth but not enough to classify it as jerk stuffing. Also at this year’s event, WinoWally generously supplied the hoard with a gift pack of Clipper City Brews which we all took part in a taste test. The favorite was the Golden Ale; at least no one used the spit bucket. After excessive imbibing in Bourbon, Margaritas, Clipper City beer, Scotch, Amaretto, Chianti and Port, we all settled in for a sound night’s sleep. Memories after the first tray of ziti are sparse, but with absence of bruises and broken furniture, a good time by all was indicated.

The next day, complete with hangovers and fuzzy tongues, we all assembled for some of the hair-of-the-dog (isn’t a golf course in the Dominican Republic??) in preparation of the main event; watching the Cowboys knock the stuffing out of the Deadskins. Talk about a bunch of turkeys! After a mimosa or two, we got down to the serious work of getting ready for Big Bird. Dress of the day is loose fitting clothes, preferably with elastic waist bands or drawstrings to accommodate the expanding waistline. The culmination of all the previous week’s work is now on display; Big Bird, the specialty side dishes brought by various guests, and WinoWife’s famous pies. Yes, there are pies. Wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without ‘em. Three or four kinds, and we ain’t talking Table-Talk®. Usually pumpkin, pecan, and apple and, once in a while, mince meat. What the hell is mince meat anyway??? or do we want to know? All made from scratch and topped with whipped cream. What a versatile foodstuff whipped cream is. It’s so utilitarian. Works well inside and outside of the body and sometimes both at the same time. This pretty-as-a-picture meal is quickly devoured and immediately followed by a chorus of moans, groans, and flatulence. Once the groans subside, it’s time for, you guessed it, turkey sandwiches made with homemade bread expertly baked by WinoDad. What a talented family; expert chefs, bakers, drinkers, and farters.

Now you ask, what can top the past two days of excessive behavior? Well, as far as the ladies are concerned, it’s marathon shopping, also known as a blitzkrieg retail assault. We are not talking about some measely sprint to a couple of stores or malls, but 10-12 hours of hard-at-it credit limit busting, get the economy rolling spending. These ladies hit the bricks at 6:00 AM. Now I understand why they make SUVs, to haul all of this crap home. After this frenzy, the inevitable fashion show takes place and the usual “look at how much money we saved you honey” spiel. Bet you will never guess what’s for dinner. You got it, the same damn thing we had yesterday and what we will have for the foreseeable future, TURKEY and all the accompanying goodies. You ain’t lived until you’ve had 3-day old baked fennel bulbs or cranberry sauce that’s been in the fridge so long it’s developed a hide. By the way the rest of the group either plays 18 holes or sleeps in front of the TV. Some do both at the same time.

Saturday is the day for the invited and uninvited guests to treat the hosts. This year it was a trip to the new International Spy Museum in DC-well worth the trek, be prepared to spend some time in line and allow 3 plus hours to view the exhibits. On the downside there is an admission charge of $11. The evening’s festivities include the guest taking the hosts WinoMike, WinoWife, Brother and Sister-in-Law to the restaurant of our choice, that’s our choice. This years selection was one of the best ever, Chez Marc’s on Route 28 in Manassas, VA. This classically trained French Chef, Mark Fusilier, has an impressive menu that has no weak spots and an equally impressive wine list. Our wine choice was a 1998 Glass Mountain Cabernet Sauvignon that was light bodied and exhibited good fruit and for a wine this young, few tannins. As it oxidized it became noticeably better and at $25 a pop it became a candidate for multiple purchase. It was real classy when the sommelier came by and we yelled “hit us again sport”. The Clampetts meet Manassas, talk about ugly. Must also add that the young waiter, who did an outstanding job putting up with this mob, dispensed good wine knowledge and used something absent from most in his position-common sense. His evaluation of our wine questions was postponed until he took everyone’s order and then recommended the less expensive wine. Good show! In an earlier year, you should of seen the faces of a couple from the deep south when they got to pick-up the check for 12 at McCormick & Schmick’s. Guess they thought he was making a mortgage payment.

Anyway this wraps up another year at the feed trough for the WinoFamily. It was a good Thanksgiving and the company was enjoyed. We look forward to next year. Nurturing the thought that a capon will not be served in 2003, do you think we can find a 40-pound turkey next year?

Wino Mike

Northern Virginia

December 2002