Stay Cool in School.
An educational consultancy to promote vision and values in schools.
©Margaret Goldthorpe. Midsummer Cottage, Moor Lane, Sarratt, Herts.WD3 6BY.Tel: 01923 262586
Twenty Things I wish I had Known 20 Years Ago!
Margaret Goldthorpe.
Before we say anything I think we must remind ourselves that being a parent is the most difficult, the most important and the most confidence-draining job any of us will probably ever do!
There are also lots of people out there who do not have the best interests of our children at heart. Bad people, who want to sell our kids bad things; tawdry books, films, clothes and computer games, drugs. They want to destroy our efforts at giving our children good habits by destroying their ability to defer gratification or by encouraging them to put their needs before those of others.
They also have a financial interest in our children growing up too fast.
We will often feel as if everyone else is better at being a parent and more confident of success (they aren’t!).
We will also find that old adage “Little children –little problems Big children –big problems” is horribly true!
But, and this sounds pompous but it’s true, we, us parents, are truly important to the future of our whole nation, and as such we can’t duck out of the job or let the bad guys win! We can’t be perfect parents but when we try our best we are pretty good. The key is to keep on trying!
And remember – YOU are in charge NOT THE CHILDREN!!
1. We need to get a good set of family rules
A good set of family rules might be:
- Treat others as you would be treated.
- Forgive others.
- Share and live justly
- Be honest.
- Be kind and helpful to each other.
- Listen to each other.
- Do your best to be your best self.
And observe these guidelines even if it means not getting what we want.
This is how we have to teach our children to choose to live. This lot has to guide their choices when considering what to do in any situation.
We must share these values with our children, so they know what they are aiming for. Type them up and stick them on the fridge door.
2. However, it’s no good having a set of rules that are just a bunch of good intentions stuck on the fridge door. How do we put them into our children’s hearts? There is only one way - we must catch them being good, that is, doing things that are in accordance with these values, and then praise them for it. Remember:
Behaviour that is rewarded is repeated.
3. Keep your children young for as long as possible, especially little girls. You will have a great deal less trouble with them if you don’t let them act or dress like teenagers until they are teenagers. Keep them away from families and friends who think it’s OK to let little girls dress like adolescents - they are bad news. Be strong over this one
4. We should spend serious amounts of time with them. It’s corny, but true, that children spell love T.I.M.E. They will be much more likely to share our values if we show them we value them enough to share our time with them. Talk to them about things that happen in the day. Play with them. Get tons of dressing up clothes, for boys and girls and encourage games of make believe. You don’t have to dress up if you don’t want to, but you can be part of the game. Let them play wherever you are, kitchen, sitting room, where ever. Build dens under the kitchen table. Cook with them – eat the results in the den with them! Turn the sofa into a ship, sing sea shanties. Don’t worry about the house looking a mess. Just play, have fun, enjoy yourself and enjoy your children. Tidy up with them at bedtime. Don’t have playrooms, you may as well put your child in a cupboard!
5. We have to model the behaviour we want. We really can’t expect children to behave in a way that we don’t have the self-discipline to manage ourselves.
We must not use undisciplined discipline. That is, we can’t allow ourselves to lose our temper and shout, use violence or sarcasm. Why should children try to be self -controlled if we can’t be bothered to manage it? When we lose it, which we will occasionally, we must apologise.
6. Inspire your children. It helps if we have a vision of what ‘good’ looks like and aim for it. ‘Good’ has to look something like living by the values above. We must make good look attractive. We must find people and events that show that living by our values is not just for ‘sad’ people. There are pop stars, actors and sportsmen who live wonderful lives. Find out about them. World Vision, Fairtrade, Tearfund, Soul Survivor, all have masses of material you can share with children that will show your children how to live justly in a normal, ‘cool’ way. Don’t mock simple goodness or be cynical. Cynicism rots character.
7. Use your children’s books to talk about how we live. Don’t just read the story; talk about the message behind the book or story.
8. Have family traditions, celebrate festivals, enjoy away days, have family songs, tell stories about grandparents and old aunts and uncles, have family jokes.
9. Have one-to-ones with each of your children. Take children out individually for a walk, tea, anything, just so you get time to really be with that child.
10. Tell them you love them no matter what they do. Tell them nothing in the world and nothing they could do would ever stop you from loving them.
11. Don’t bounce children into conflict. Quite often trouble starts because we have forgotten that children are still learning how to behave and that they are very self-centred For example, when you want children to stop doing something they are enjoying, remember, this will not please them! If you just march into the sitting room at seven o’clock and say, “Put that lot away now its bath time,” they will react badly. In these situations always give warnings.
For example try saying at ten to seven, “It will be bath time in ten minutes.” It can help to put a kitchen pinger on for the ten minutes and keep looking at it with them every four minutes or so. Help them to wind up a game and put toys away.
Don’t do it for them however, they do have to learn to do jobs. You don’t want them turning into spoilt brats!
12. Give choices but controlled choices! For example, in the bath time example, when the pinger goes, try saying, “Oh, time for your bath! Now, do you want to walk upstairs holding my hand or do you want to walk next to me?”
This is a trick question! Most young children want to make some decisions about how they live. If you say “Shall we go upstairs to the bath now?” they will probably say “No!” If you say “Do you want to walk upstairs holding my hand or do you want to walk next to me?” you are giving them a choice – but it’s a bit of a trick choice – there is no choice about going upstairs, just a choice about how you do it!
This is probably one of your best lines. “Do you want to lay the table on your own or do you want me to help you?” etc etc!
You are also setting them up for success. When they go upstairs for their bath you can say, “You are a good boy/girl going off for your bath so sensibly/ laying the table so kindly/ clearing the plates so helpfully etc etc. I am proud of you.” And you will be. And they will be pleased too. You have rewarded them with your praise and they will want to please you again – and when they do, remember to praise them again.
Behaviour that is rewarded is repeated.
13. It is best not to give children rewards such as toys or sweets for “Being good.” They will come to expect to be “paid” just for doing what they should be doing. Instead give them the reward of masses of thanks, praise, hugs, smiles, cuddles, stories, time with you spent playing games. Most of all don’t forget to tell them exactly what they have done that has so pleased you. This way they will know how to get that prize again and again and again. The best prize is praise.
14. What do we do if our child is rude to us, shouts at us or wilfully disobeys us? We can’t always distract an angry child and some things are too awful to ignore.
Don’t assume that you are going to get cross – assume that you will seldom get cross. This is important. If you get angry for small things what do you do for big things? Recognise the difference between anger and firmness. You are going to be firm. Very firm. For some children, those who get little attention from their parents, being told off is actually a prize. Bad attention is better than no attention. If you only reward bad behaviour with your attention you will get a lot of bad behaviour!
15. Remember the great phrase “You are better than that.” E.g. “Don’t be unkind about your friends – you are better than that.” However that will only work if you have noticed when they were kind (and therefore better than that) and brought it to their attention by praising them or thanking them for their kindness. So:
Catch them being good
17. If you ask a child to do something and they are rude to you, defiant, run away etc. then you must not let them get away with this. If you do they will go on behaving badly. If you don’t manage a difficult four-year-old you will be seriously struggling to manage a troublesome fourteen-year-old.
Remember that the only punishment that works is the removal of a privilege.
So, set up some privileges:
i. Television. (Don’t ever be tempted to put a TV in your child’s bedroom. It’s just silly. You will never be 100% sure of what they are watching or when. If they already have one get rid of it. If they complain you will have to be pleasant but remind them you are the grown up and you are in charge. The same with phones, if they have one it really should go downstairs in a ‘phone box’ at bedtime - and mealtimes. It is a good idea to have a ‘no screens in the bedroom’ for everyone – even you, they really do interfere with good sleep patterns.)
ii. Toys
iii. Pocket money.
iv. Taxi services.
You have to explain that these things are privileges that you have provided because you are sure they will live by the family rules. (See above.)
But, if they break these rules by being rude to you, shouting at you, refusing to do what they are reasonably asked to do, hitting some one, swearing etc then they will receive a warning.
This warning is vital. You must say to them, “If you don’t stop fighting now, then you will lose five minutes of television. It’s up to you.”
This immediately sets up consequences to behaviour.
If they stop fighting you can say, “Well done. I am proud you for having such self-control. That is very grown up of you.” And smile and give them a kiss. Behaviour that is rewarded is repeated.
If they do not stop fighting you can say, “I warned you what would happen. You knew what would happen if you didn’t stop fighting. You have chosen to lose five
minutes television.”
Then, when they would normally start to watch television, sit them in the kitchen with you, stay with them, and tell them that they can watch the TV in five minutes time. Let them just sit there and wait; no fun, no chatting, just sitting. Do not give in even by half a minute!
The key to this is that you are giving the child control of the punishment. You are saying to them “I am warning you that if you fight you will lose TV time. It’s up to you. If you don’t want to lose the television, stop fighting. You choose.” Then if they choose to fight they will have to endure the loss of the TV. In other words they will
learn that actions have real consequences, that choices are real and that you are consistent. They will have started to learn to take responsibility for their own actions.
This will work with children as young as four. They will soon learn that you mean what you say. Don’t get cross; just do what you said you would do.
Don’t let children earn things back. If you have removed, say, a total of ten minutes TV time for assorted misdemeanours, but then they settle down and are really nice to each other DON’T say, “OK, you can have that TV time back.” If you do that, they will misbehave whenever they chose, then be very good just before TV time, expecting you to give them back everything they have lost. This is simply teaching them to be manipulative.
Remember the order –
Remind them of the rule have they broken,
Warn them that if they do not correct their behaviour immediately there will be a loss of privilege and what that loss will be.
If they choose to ignore you carry out the threat. That may be some long time after the misdemeanour. TV loss may accrue throughout the day. Take it away in five-minute chunks. They may have to spend a good long time sitting on a chair in the kitchen while others are watching the cartoons – they will soon learn that these days you mean what you say!
Don’t go back on your decisions. Actions must have consequences.
18. ACTIONS MUST HAVE CONSEQUENCES!! This last point is very important indeed! If your child forgets to take something to school, make them suffer the consequences. If they don’t do some homework, don’t offer an excuse to help them out, let them suffer the detention. If they miss a music lesson, make them pay for it. This is tough love but the rewards you reap will be immeasurable.
I know this all sounds very mechanical and horribly like dog training. But it isn’t.It goes along with a loving chat curled up on the sofa when the crisis has passed.
You can say, “That was a wild way for a sensible girl/boy like you to have behaved. What was the problem?” The punishment remains, but that doesn’t stop you having a cosy talk about what caused the problem and how they might react better next time.
19. Remember to love the sinner but hate the sin. Don’t be tempted to say, “You silly boy/girl,” instead say, “That was a silly thing for a sensible boy/girl like you to have done.”
20. Don’t beat yourself up too much over the failures and disappointments. It’s a hard job and you are doing your best. Make friends with people who can share and laugh about the difficulties and disasters of parenting. Stay well away from those who never stop telling you about their children’s successes - they probably have more problems than you ever imagined, and anyway, they are no fun!
© Margaret Goldthorpe
And finally – two poems:
To a First Time Mother
Relax, my dear - your little elf
is just an amateur herself.
So, if your hand so newly filled
with tasks, seems somewhat less than skilled,
Relax, I say - this little pinkling
doesn't have the slightest inkling
That you are new to baby lore -
she never had a Mum before.
From my Mother –in – Law.
I hope my children look back on today,
And see a mother who had time to play.
There will be years for working and fancy cooking,
Children grow up while you're not looking.
So quiet down cobwebs,ambition cansleep.
I'm rocking my baby, because babies don't keep.