A Husband’s Humble Gentleness To His Wife

  1. 1 Peter 3:7 says that a husband should dwell with his wife “according to knowledge.” William Gouge advises that a husband should give no offense and that he should respond wisely when his wife gives offense. Is this an impossible task without God’s grace?
  2. Gouge says that husbands are to be kind and thoughtful toward their wives just like Abraham commended Sarah for nursing their child by holding a great feast when the child was weaned in Genesis 21:8. What are some ways husbands can practically thank their wives for a job well done?
  • It quickens the spirit of a wife to think that her labors are pleasing to her husband and not being done in vain.
  1. If a husband despises or rejects his wife’s goodness, how does the wife respond?
  2. Wife should look to God for His acceptance, rather than to husband
  3. However, a husband’s refusal to acknowledge his wife’s goodness, makes her weary, tired and burdened.
  4. Fathers should not provoke their children, much less husbands provoke their wives. (Ephesians 6:4)
  5. If a wife shows her husband due respect by any reverent behavior, gesture or speech, a husband should manifest similar graciousness and courteousness.
  6. Abram was counted by the Hittites a prince of God, yet in talking with them he bowed to them (Genesis 23:6-7)
  7. In Song of Solomon, there was a mirroring of responsiveness between the two spouses.
  8. It is essential for the husband to treat his wife with greater respect than the children, to display it as the supreme relationship of the household.
  9. Otherwise husbands are unworthy of respect by their wives.
  10. If a wife makes her desire known, the husband should willingly grant her desire.
  11. This courtesy Ahasuerus showed Esther
  12. David showed Bathsheba ( 1 Kings 1:28)
  13. Isaac showed Rebecca (Gen 28:1)
  14. Abraham showed to Sarah (Gen 16:6)
  15. Remarkably, Gouge contends that if a husband is harsh to his wife, lacking courtesy and being overly demanding, he is actually laying a foundation to “set his heart on strange women” or to commit adultery. Do you think that those two dots can be connected?
  16. While Gouge notes that a husband might have the Biblical “right” to demand much of his wife, he nonetheless cautions him to be sparing in his demands.
  17. Her obedience should emanate from her free will, from a freedom in Christ even though God has placed her in a position of submission.
  18. Gouge counsels against a husband moving his wife from place to place without her glad consent unless there is an urgent calling just like Jacob consulted his wives before moving them from their father’s house (Gen 31:4)
  19. While the wife is to show cheerful hospitality, it should never become painful or burdensome
  20. A husband should be willing to provide general consent for the ordering of household affairs, to put trust in his wife (Prov 31:11) as Potiphar placed his trust in Joseph (Gen 39:6)
  21. 1 Tim 5:14 gives the wives the charge to “guide the house”
  22. Husbands should not become involved in every small detail of the household management
  23. A husband should not require that his wife seek his special permission or direction before every household decision.
  24. Decorating and organizing the house (Prov 31:21-22)
  25. Manage ordinary provision of food for family (Prov 31:15)
  26. Bring up children while they are young ( 1 Tim 5:10, Titus 2:4)
  27. A husband who is too strict with his wife is
  28. Never contented with any duty the wife performs, but demands more.
  29. Does not care how burdensome or painful his requests are of his wife, like inviting over guests too frequently
  30. Disregards his wife’s weakness due to sickness, child-bearing, nursing when making demands upon her.
  31. Treats his wife like one of children which is insulting.
  32. Gouge reminds us that a husband is never to be suspicious of his wife without any reason. In fact, Paul describes suspicions as evil because they are groundless. (1 Tim 6:4) Such suspicion breads contempt in the wife toward her husband.
  33. Gouge points to the fine example of the husband of Proverbs 31:28-29 who publicly praised his wife and complimented her. More than simply verbally affirming her, Gouge notes that Proverbs 31:31 says “Give her of the fruit of her hands”. There is a reward which appears material or financial. What might that look like?
  34. Gouge summarizes a proverb from a weary wife that goes like this: “Often did I well, and that hear I never: Once did I ill, and I hear I ever.” How are you as a husband guilty of always picking on the one negative, but ignoring all the positives?
  35. The key to a husband’s gentleness is rooted in the Golden Rule: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Just as a wife is kind and attentive to her husband, so too the husband must be kind and attentive. Do you think too many men wait to respond with kindness to a kind gesture of their wives as opposed to initiating a kind gesture?
  36. Gouge writes “As kinds he must accept duty at his wife’s hands, so gently he must perform that duty which he owes to her.”
  37. “Sugar and honey are not more pleasant to the tongue than gentleness to the heart,” writes Gouge.
  38. Bitterness is the enemy of any marriage. Gouge says it is a “vice expressly forbidden, particularly to husbands. Nothing more turns the edge of his authority, perverts the use of his leadership, provokes the pride of his wife, makes his words and deeds less regarded, than bitterness.” Powerful words. Why do you think bitterness in a husband is so poisonous?
  39. Gouge notes that “men in authority are very prone to this.”
  40. “Love your wife and be not bitter to her.”
  41. Gouge counsels a husband to instruct or disciple his wife with tenderness and meekness. The instructions, the commands, the reproofs should be delivered with gentleness. Let’s role play. What would be a right way and a wrong way to communicate with your wife in this regard?
  42. If a minister must use gentleness when he instructs his flock, how much more should a husband be gentle when he instructs his wife.
  43. Consider the understanding and capacity of your wife.
  44. Instruct her privately between the two of you so that her ignorance may not be put on public display.
  45. Instruct children when she is present, so that she may glean knowledge from that encounter.
  46. Mix forceful persuasions with sweetness.
  47. Without gentleness, a husband will exasperate a woman’s spirit.
  48. A husband is never to command an unlawful thing or forbid a thing which ought to be done because this brings his own authority into opposition with God’s authority.
  49. Leads to an unnecessary quandary: reject God’s commandment or reject husband’s commandment.
  50. If she is required to heed the unbiblical command of her husband, she will be assured that her husband does not truly love her.
  51. The love and gentleness required of a husband should make him so tender towards his wife that he is willing to let go of some of his rights. What would be an example of a husband who let go of his rights?
  52. If a husband observes his wife motivated by false fear or guilt because her conscience has become confused about right and wrong, he “must first labor to resolve her conscience by a plain discovery of her error.” Perhaps she has drawn an incorrect theological conclusion which is not supported by a number of Sciptures. What’s the best way to approach this potentially awkward situation without offending her, yet still standing firm on the orthodox truth?
  53. William Gouge warns husbands about allowing their wives “to go to taverns, ale-houses, play-houses, and such places where worthless companions are.” Is this applicable to us today in terms of going to bars or the movie theaters or watching television shows which are not honoring to God? Are there similarly worthless companions or worthless forms of entertainment today?
  54. Usually when we think of a husband “invoking his authority”, it almost has a negative, if not abusive connotation in today’s world. However, William Gouge explains that “if a man invokes his authority when talking to his wife about important and significant matters, then he helps her to feel how weighty such matters are.”
  55. The result? “A wife will either be brought to yield to that which is commanded or convicted of guilt for not yielding.”
  56. The reason why a husband “should press hi authority in important matters” is because, as the spiritual leader, the husband must show to his wife the “benefit and blessedness that will come to those who obey God’s commandments and, on the other side, the trouble and misery that will fall on their heads who refuse to obey.”
  57. If a husband is puffed up with pride – commanding his wife to do things that are either unlawful or in violation of her conscience – or commanding lawful things with an unChrist-like spirit, Gouge writes that he “may thank himself that he is on the fast track to have his authority despised and even trodden under foot.” Husbands do you get the sense that your authority is being “trodden under foot” by your wife because of your sinful pride? How can husbands seek to realign themselves with a Christ-like gentleness and meekness as they talk to their wives?
  58. William Gouge writes that “authority is like a sword, which with too much use will be blunted… A wise, sober, peaceable man may always have his sword in readiness, very bright, keen and sharp, but he will not be very ready to pull it out. He rather keeps it for a time of need…Such husbands therefore who are too frequent in their commands, show themselves not sober, nor wise, nor lovers of peace.”
  59. “As the use of a husband’s authority in commanding must be rare, so when there is occasion to use it, it must be tempered with gentleness and moderation.”
  60. Like Abram who framed his speech to his wife “say, I pray thee, thou art my sister.” (Gen 12:13)