Foreword
Marriage and Family Life are at the heart of the Church and of Society. In Marriage, Husband and Wife become living witnesses of the Love of God for each other, to their family and to the wider world.
It is vital, therefore, that the best possible accompaniment and preparation is available to couples and that this accompaniment continues after the Marriage Day. Enabling couples to deepen the understanding of the love that they have for each other, together with the joys and responsibilities that this brings, is best carried out in the context of a supportive parish community.
The journey towards the Wedding Day and the Married life that follow deserve the best possible support from the Parish community. These Guidelines for Marriage Preparation are a timely support for this journey, which should involve both in Marriage Preparation Days and in meetings with the clergy. The place of couples who can walk alongside newly-married couples is an important part of the support that is so important as the living out of marriage unfolds.
I am grateful to those who have been involved in producing these Guidelines, which are grounded in the Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio of Pope St. John Paul II, the Guidelines produced by the Bishops’ Conference of England & Wales and are written in the light of Pope Francis’ recent Post-Synodal Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia.
May those who witness to the love of God in their married lives be strengthened and supported by all around them and be blessed abundantly in their family life.
+Richard Moth
Bishop of Arundel & Brighton
8th September 2016
The Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary
DIOCESE OF ARUNDEL AND BRIGHTON
MARRIAGE PREPARATION GUIDELINES
‘...we need to help young people discover the dignity and beauty of marriage. The complexity of today’s society and the challenges faced by the family require a greater effort on the part of the whole Christian community in preparing those who are about to be married[1]
Introduction
This document sets out the guidelines for immediate[2] Marriage Preparation in the Diocese of Arundel and Brighton. The guidelines reflect the traditional teaching of the church up to the present Apostolic Exhortation Amoris Laetitia and the guidance published by the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales. Both of these documents emphasise the importance of good preparation and seek to enhance the value of the period of engagement prior to marriage as a time of genuine discernment and spiritual growth towards the Christian vocation of marriage.
Therefore, the aims of these guidelines are to:
· Further develop a proper appreciation of the need for and benefits of good marriage preparation.
· Provide a framework for those charged with the delivery of marriage preparation, identifying those elements specific to the role of clergy and those appropriate to lay providers.
· Provide a basic template for the marriage preparation process.
· Place the marriage preparation course within the wider context, reflecting the community’s commitment to nurturing vocation.
· Acknowledge the need for continuing support during the couples’ lifelong commitment to their marriage.
·
The overarching principle upon which the guidelines are based is that marriage preparation is a process rather than an event limited to the planning of a liturgy or the completion of obligatory paperwork[3]. Couples attending marriage preparation should be encouraged to view this experience as an opportunity for them to take the time to truly reflect on their call to the married vocation. They should be encouraged to begin the process of preparation a year before the date chosen for the wedding. Proximate marriage preparation through earlier sacramental stages[4] and homiletics will help to lay good foundations for the understanding of the need for preparation for this great sacrament and the call to the married vocation. By undertaking this period of discernment honestly and joyfully it is hoped couples experiencing this process will approach the sacrament with a clear understanding of the covenant they are making. They should also be equipped with some of the skills and tools they need to sustain them in living out this commitment.
Marriage preparation should be a kind of “initiation” to the sacrament of matrimony, providing couples with the help they need to receive the sacrament worthily and to make a solid beginning of life as a family.[5]
These guidelines are also based on the newly released document from the Bishops Conference on marriage preparation which is included within the pack .The preface of that document sets the tone for marriage preparation and examines the Marriage Rite blessings which then draws out the underlying teaching
Process
The Bishops’ Conference bases the preferred style of preparation on the RCIA model. This model incorporates the principles of whole-community involvement in a staged process, through which catechetical formation is gradual and is filled with the Grace of God and the spirit of the Gospel. In addition, it offers post sacramental deepening of the mystery through ongoing support.
When applied to marriage preparation, this process has the following elements or stages:
Ø Initial welcome
Ø Welcome in the parish
Ø Marriage preparation course
Ø Deepening relationship with the parish and their own life of faith
Ø Final preparation for the liturgy
Ø Celebrating the rite
Ø Life as a married couple
(For an explanation of each of these stages please see Bishop’s Conference document: The Process)
The diocesan guidelines are rooted in this basic process. However, this still allows for a diversity of approaches among parishes according to local circumstances. In any event, lay providers will need to work closely with clergy to ensure a rich and fruitful process. Delivery of the marriage preparation course needs to dovetail with that from the clergy and should be of support to their conversations.
Whatever the local marriage preparation process looks like, the following specific requirements should apply to all. That Marriage Preparation will:
Ø be delivered through a series of meetings over an appropriate timeframe
Ø combine meetings with clergy with lay involvement
Ø include appropriate public acknowledgement and celebration of married and engaged couples[6]
However, Pope Francis reminds us;
They do not need to be taught the entire catechism, or overwhelmed with too much information. Here too, “it is not great knowledge, but rather the ability to feel and relish things interiorly that contents and satisfies the soul”. Quality is more important than quantity and priority should be given – along with a renewed proclamation of the kerygma – to an attractive and helpful presentation of information that can help couples to live the rest of their lives together” with great courage and generosity”.[7]
The responsibility of ensuring the legitimacy of the intended marriage, according to Canon Law, will remain with the clergy. This should take place early in the process to enable all necessary paperwork to be sent to the Chancery in good time. However, questions concerning the couple’s understanding of the meaning and obligations of marriage and whether they are marrying freely presuppose a period of preparation and reflection.
The subsequent marriage preparation should recognise that this is a process of discernment as well as preparation. As such, it needs to be delivered over a number of sessions to allow the couples adequate time to reflect, discuss issues between themselves and be able to bring questions and concerns back into the preparation process. Ideally, the process should begin soon after the initial meeting to avoid the notion of it being a “hoop to jump through”. Rather, it should be seen by all as something of real benefit to the couple.
Content
There are a wide variety of schemes that offer material for preparation and these are often developed by the trainers as they deliver them, in order to personalise them and adapt them to individual styles. The Bishops Conference document clearly sets out the expectations of the content of any course (see Bishops Conference document the content).
The diocese has developed a programme based on four sessions which includes the material necessary, alongside meetings with the clergy, to support couples in the discernment process. This material is designed to prompt the couples to reflect on their relationship to date, their expectations for their future together as a family. In addition, they will explore the sacramental nature of the covenant they are about to make. It is envisaged that this course would run alongside meetings with the clergy who may wish to take some of the discussions further.
This course can be delivered in individual parishes but it does require significant support from couples. However, there are developing models of deanery or parish clusters collaborating to deliver the programme. This has the benefit of providing a larger pool of trainers who can work together to offer preparation in a variety of locations, alleviating the time pressure on lay couples who support the programme and providing peer support for their own personal formation. However, care must be taken to ensure the desired public acknowledgement takes place within the different parishes[8].
(see Appendix 1: Arundel and Brighton summary of scheme).
We provide a useful summary document “Are You Ready” which couples can be given to ensure they understand the meaning of the covenant they are about to make. It is helpful if this is given to them at the initial meeting and revisited in discussion with the clergy prior to the signing of the forms.
We also aim to develop teams of mentor couples in individual parishes who can support the engaged couple through this period of discernment and after the wedding day, on into the early years of marriage which would support the stages either side of the specific preparation, both before and after the wedding
Training
The responsibility given to all catechists in this field is recognised as being of major importance in supporting the work of the clergy. Useful guidance for selection of catechists is given in the Bishops Conference document pgs. 26-27. The diocese will support parishes and deaneries in training teams to prepare and deliver programmes in conjunction with the clergy of the deanery. We also hold an annual day of ongoing formation and commissioning which we would hope all catechists could attend.
It would be important that if a parish wanted to deliver marriage preparation through an alternative route, clarification be sought as to the training and formation of that provider.
Conclusion
Marriage preparation constitutes a valuable pastoral encounter. It can and should be a time of evangelisation for non-Catholic partners or for those yet to move beyond a childhood experience of faith, and affirmation for those more formed in faith. For all couples it is a moment of great significance and an opportunity to develop an adult awareness of God’s presence and action in their lives. In addition, for them to see that what they are doing is to be recognised as a legitimate and highly valued response to God’s love. It is a response to which they are called.
At the same time, they can be encouraged to become alive to the benefits of belonging to a parish family where they can give and receive support, love and friendship. This ministry is a vital one of ensuring that couples grow in their understanding of their call to marriage as a vocation. Yet it is also a vital tool for the growth of evangelisation and a growing experience of God in their lives.
We finish as we began, with the words of Pope Francis who expresses the challenge we face and calls us to renewed effort in both marriage preparation and the support of families:
‘We have long thought that simply by stressing doctrinal, bioethical and moral issues, without encouraging openness to grace, we were providing sufficient support to families, strengthening the marriage bond and giving meaning to marital life.
We find it difficult to present marriage more as a dynamic path to personal development and fulfilment than as a lifelong burden.
We also find it hard to make room for the consciences of the faithful, who very often respond as best they can to the Gospel amid their limitations, and are capable of carrying out their own discernment in complex situations. We have been called to form consciences, not to replace them.’[9]
Resources :
A guide to the selection of readings suitable for a catholic wedding
http://www.liturgyoffice.org.uk/Resources/Marriage/OCM-Lectionary.pdf
A guide on how to choose your reading;
http://www.liturgyoffice.org.uk/Resources/Marriage/Choosing-Readings.pdf
Reflections on all the readings suitable for a catholic marriage;
http://www.liturgyoffice.org.uk/Resources/Marriage/Lectionary-Reflections.pdf
Advice for someone reading at a wedding ;
http://www.liturgyoffice.org.uk/Resources/Marriage/OCM-Reader.pdf
Contemplation for Couples
Words from Pope Francis to Engaged couples
Are You Ready Document? A Guide for Couples to use together
http://www.dabnet.org/ContentDocuments/526.doc
This Marriage Preparation document
Church Guide for Engaged Couples: Appendix 3
Appendix 1
Arundel and Brighton Scheme; Summary.
CONTENTS
Introduction and guidelines
Reflection on Christian Marriage by Rev Paul Jennings
Session One “Your Sort of Marriage;” (Binding Commitment and Covenant)
This session includes exercises and couple discussion on “What is important to you”, “Your sort of marriage” and “Who does what – negotiating responsibilities”.
Consideration of the questions asked in the marriage service before the consent and vows. The couples are asked to think carefully about whether they are ready to make this big commitment to each other for the rest of their lives. How well do they really know what the other wants or feels?
There is also explanation of the legal and Church requirements for Marriage in a Catholic Church.
Session Two; “Communication and Problem Solving; Prayer and Reconciliation”
This session stresses the importance of good communication and active listening for really understanding each other and looks at techniques for conflict resolution. The focus is on building healthy relationships, for life. Learning to accept the gift of each other to each other. An introduction to praying together, developing your spiritual life as a couple. There is also discussion of the importance of forgiveness in Christian terms.
Session Three “Loving Relationships, Sexuality and Parenthood; Image of God, Fruitfulness and Faithfulness”
This session looks at what we mean by love; love languages, sexual intimacy, parenthood and children. Because of the intimate nature of the topics being discussed there is no group sharing in this session apart from final exercise about parenthood, only between the couple themselves. Also discussed are “natural fertility planning”, and the importance of preconception planning in the way of healthy eating, taking folic acid supplements etc., and information given as to where further help can be obtained. Excerpts from Papal and Vatican documents are used to illustrate the teaching. The responsibility of Christian parenthood is introduced.