Teenagers in Love
Parents' reactions to teen romance.
Post published by Nancy Kalish Ph.D. on Jun 02, 2009 in Sticky Bonds
Friends from our childhood or adolescence are special, no matter how much time has elapsed between visits. These compelling connections are the result of shared roots during the formative years. Our childhood friends and teenage sweethearts experienced with us all the wonderful, horrible, boring, and embarrassing moments that helped to make us who we are today.
Yet, when children are young, parents may regard these relationships as insignificant. If the family must move to a new community and the children's close friends must be left behind, so what? They will make new friends, the parents assure them. But, is a friend as interchangeable as a new toy for an old one, or is there more to friendship than that? Why are we so elated to rediscover long lost friends in our adult years if, as some parents believe, they were so dispensable to us as children?
Even more belittled by many parents is a teenager's (or preteen's) love for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Adults refer to these relationships with demeaning language, calling them "just puppy love," and these romantic bonds are not taken seriously. Parents question the ability of teenagers to know what love is, yet they accept their teenagers' statements, "I love you, Mom & Dad," with full appreciation and at face value. If adults accept that teenagers can love parents truly, then shouldn't they also accept that teen romances are "real" love?
Recreational dating is relatively new. Teenagers many years ago married their first sweethearts right out of high school. These men and women of the World War II Generation married at younger ages than their Baby Boomer children or their Generation X or Millennial grandchildren. But education has become prolonged, so marriage is later.
The age of puberty, however, has dropped. Whatever the reasons for this, reaching puberty influences the age of first love and first sexual experience. It is rare now to marry a first love. Today's teenagers date not for mate selection but for fun. However, the first love experience is no less powerful than it was in the 1940's.
Adults who underestimate the strength of the bond-- or the impact of the loss -- of a first love may have forgotten what a blow it was when they lost their own first loves. They may even try to comfort teenagers with lighthearted lessons: a surprising number of men and women wrote to me to bitterly complain about parents who joked years ago, "Don't worry! Boyfriends/girlfriends are like buses... a new one comes along every ten minutes!" This was not helpful, and it was not funny. The loss of a first love can be so crushing to some teenagers that they become suicidal.
The pain of the breakup will subside with time, but the love may stay buried and dormant for decades. While most men and women find satisfying partners after first love breakups, there are adults who spend their married years aware that "something is missing." They continue to think about their lost first loves. Perhaps if they had married their first loves when they were younger, they tell me, they could have formed lasting and fulfilling marriages, but they will never know. These romances were interrupted - often by their parents' interference.
In my recent survey of 1600 people (who had never tried a reunion with a lost love), ages 18 to 92, 56% of the participants said they would not want to go back to their first loves, 19% were not sure -- but 25% said they would!
Even the adults who had no current interest in their first loves, including those who had only bitter memories, revealed that these early romances influenced their life-long attitudes about love, and even about themselves.
The longer I study lost loves and lost love reunions, the clearer it becomes to me how important young love really is. First love, young love, is indeed real love. This intense love does not come along every ten minutes. For some people, it may come only once in a lifetime.
Copyright 2010 by Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. (link is external)
Revised 2013
"Teenagers in Love." Psychology Today. Web. 13 Apr. 2015.
Teen romance: Does true love really exist?
By chick-a-dee-wasaga-3, California, FL
The author's comments: Image Credit: Josie G., Wilmot, SD
I just think that teenagers are growing up so fast, and they think they know what true love is, but the fact is, they really don't know.
Do you believe in love? Are you and your girlfriend/boyfriend truly in love? With teenager’s hormones always on overdrive, many misinterpret the word love. The question of whether true love really exists cannot be answered, without clarifying what true love really is, but the honest truth is, teenagers don’t really know what true love is. Love requires a commitment, and I’m quite sure 13 and 14 year olds aren’t ready for commitment.
You love your animals, you love your parent’s, and you love your t-shirt. Love is like a hat, you feel warm in it, and you like how it looks, but when it gets old, you throw it out, or when a new hat comes out, you want it.
From Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas to Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas, these celebrities are even young adults and they supposedly ‘loved’ each other, but then why is it that it didn’t last? Are we simply fooling ourselves over boredom and loneliness, or is love just a trend running through schools today?
And then you look in these magazines and on TV, do you know how many couples break up over work and cheating, the likely hood of getting married from teenage hood is low, and we just need to face reality.
In my opinion, we shouldn’t be caring about whose dating who, and who’s hot and whose not. We should be enjoying life, and being young. You only get to be a child once, and you shouldn’t just give love away like an article of clothing.
Yes, young love has happened, and can be true. But you have to ask yourself, is your love puppy love or real love. Young love is running in our society today, and it is not always bad. But people need to start realizing that there are more important things in life, then dating the popular guy in high school, enjoy your childhood, because before you know it, you are going to be a adult, and you can’t go back, it’s not the end of the world, if you pay attention to your school grades and not on boys or girls. There’s plenty of time to find true love, and teenagers are getting too caught up.
Maybe if teenagers today started focusing and loving themselves, they’d be a happier and more successful person. And eventually instead of them looking for love, true love will finally reach them.
"Teen Romance: Does True Love Really Exist?" Teen Romance: Does True Love Really Exist? Web. 13 Apr. 2015.
Teenage Love Problems & Relationships
Last Updated: Aug 16, 2013 | By Kay Ireland
Teen couples might be inseparable one day, and broken up the next. Photo Credit teen legs image by TA Craft Photography from Fotolia.com
Any American high school is teeming with hormones, unrequited love, pressure and relationships. The teenage years can be confusing to many, parents included. Some teens fall in love young and curtain themselves off from other social experiences, whereas some are still immature, young and still exploring their own development. When teens are participants in a relationship, a variety of problems can arise that make teens feel pressured, stressed out and even neglectful of other responsibilities. Talk to your teen about appropriate relationships and what to watch for when committed to one.
Immaturity
Teenagers are young and inexperienced; while they think they know what's best, a parent can see emotional destruction long before the teen feels it. This immaturity, both of experience and emotion, can cause teens to think they are in love when they are in fact infatuated. This infatuation can cause teens to experience low self-esteem, devastation and depression when the relationship ends.
Pressure
A teen may feel pressure to do things that she doesn't want to do while in a relationship. A boyfriend may ask her to go places or do things to prove that she "loves" him, or she may do things because it seems as if the rest of her friends are participating. Talking to your teenager about how to say no and when to leave a situation can help her understand when she is being pressured. The Guttmacher Institute notes that nearly half of American teens are sexually active, and too often this is the result of pressure.
Education
A teen relationship, even a casual one, can wreak havoc on your teen's grades. Spending time with his girlfriend and neglecting homework, or even skipping school together, can take his focus off the important things and cause his grades to slip. Your teen should understand that relationships are a privilege, and that his education comes first.
Dependency and Self-Worth
Too often teens enter into a relationship before they love even themselves, which turns into dependency. Kimiberly Kirberger, author of "Teen Love: On Relationships, A Book for Teenagers," urges teens to learn more about themselves, cultivate their personalities and find their self-esteem before attempting a relationship. The first love is with the person that your teen sees in the mirror. If she enters a relationship without that confidence, it won't be long before she begins to believe that her worth is only as half of a teen couple.
Social Status
Being part of a couple can alter your teen's social status at school. He might feel like he's not popular unless he's with his girlfriend, or a girl could be given an "easy" label because she dates a lot. Unfortunately, social status means almost everything to a teenager, so when his social status is raised or lowered because of his relationship, he'll experience an artificial boost in self-confidence, or feel badly about himself because of his status.
"Teenage Love Problems & Relationships." LIVESTRONG.COM. LIVESTRONG.COM, 16 Aug. 2013. Web. 13 Apr. 2015.
Young Love or Just Lust? How to Tell the Difference
By College Magazine | February 4, 2011
By Nicole Martin > Sophomore > Journalism & Sociology > Pennsylvania State University; Photo by Arsh Raziuddin > Sophomore > Graphic Design > UMBC
As they always say this time of year, “love is in the air.” And while it seems like everyone is breathing it in, I find myself begging the question: by what definition do we label a connection “love?”
New York City-based dating coach and psychotherapist Charley Wininger said it’s easy – particularly for a young adult – to fool oneself into thinking he or she is in love. If foolishness is the likely situation, how does one recognize if the feeling is mere infatuation?
College Magazine consulted the experts to unveil the answer.
Physicality: Know When It’s Lust
Though we all may want to believe in the love-at-first-sight and fairytale romances we see in movies, unfortunately – unless you’re really, really lucky – love doesn’t happen that way.
“Love takes time,” Wininger said. “I believe in lust at first sight. ‘Love’ at first sight is another name for infatuation.
“Lust is a strong attraction to something, mostly physical. Love can still be lustful but I think love is about an emotional attraction and being true to you,” said April Green of Slippery Rock University, who has been in a serious relationship for four years. “It’s not love when the biggest thing on your mind is the physical attraction and you don’t really care what the person has to say.”
There’s the magic code: lust, by definition, involves a physical desire or need for another person. According to Loveology University, lust triggers a flood of testosterone, which stems from physical attraction and sexual chemistry. Research at Maudsley Hospital in London found that lust produces a similar reaction in the brain as that of depending on narcotics — “Lust really is like a drug,” said Dr. John Marsden of the National Addiction Center. “It leaves you wanting more.”
So while sexual chemistry is an ingredient of a successful relationship, a genuine bond does not—and cannot – function on it alone.
Look For Signs
“Love is a deeper and a more mature feeling,” Wininger said. “A big sign [of love] is acting maturely in a relationship like keeping your word.”
Trust is a defining component of a loving relationship. If you feel you are able to depend on your partner without question, you’re heading the right direction. A loving significant other should offer you the assurance that they will always be there, while relationships stemmed from lust skip the step of developing trust and genuineness. Lack of reliability from your partner – which can lead to other problems like cheating and dishonesty – may be a warning sign that your relationship lacks love.
Another sign is whether you actually feel comfortable with your partner’s personality. That may sound obvious, but often the signs are present: do you wonder what your girlfriend does when she isn’t around you? Does your boyfriend exhbit social behaviors that you struggle to look past?
“Love depends on the chemistry you have with your partner’s personality and way of living,” said West Chester University student Jordan Paugh, who is in a 3-year-long committed relationship. Answering yes to any of those questions does not immediately imply you’re not in love, but it does suggest that you find a person’s external qualities more appealing than the internal ones, lust’s defining characteristic.
Too Young to Be in Love?
While love has no age, it does require a maturity level. It takes maturity to work through problems that may inevitably arise, even in the strongest of relationships. A partner who seems incapable of taking your relationship issues seriously possesses a trait that is destructive to relationships. It is the ability to communicate and compromise, Wininger described, that keeps people together.