Are you receiving me?
Introduction to Communication Skills
Led by Sue Duraikan
www.duraikan-training.com
University of Cambridge
2017-18
Are you receiving me? 2017-18 Page 1
Contents
1 Activities 2-13
the power of self-talk
teller skills: dialogue
teller skills: planning
teller skills: your turn to plan
teller skills in practice
understander skills: ask the right questions
barriers to communication
self-review
2 A good conversation needs…. 14-15
dialogue
mutual clarity
comfortable climate
results
3 Teller skills 16-18
get attention
get your main points across
bring points to life
check understanding
4 Understander skills 19-21
concentrate
ask questions
reflect back
encourage the teller
5 Barriers to communication 22
6 Bibliography 23
7 Sample solution 24-25
Are you receiving me? 2017-18 Page 1
1 Activities
The power of self-talk
Consider how the self-talk in the examples below might affect your communication style. How would you change the self-talk to ensure a more effective communication style?
1. ‘I’m just too tired to deal with this now.’
2. ‘I must have told him 20 times how to do this. Surely I don’t have to go over it all again.’
3. ‘What chance do I have of getting them to listen to me? They’ve got much more important things to consider.’
4. ‘If I admit I don’t know the answer, I’ll look stupid.’
5. ‘Uh-oh. Why did I say that? Now I’ve blown it.’
6. ‘There’s no point in arguing with him. He’s already made up his mind that he’s right’
7. ‘How dare she criticise me! I’ve been doing this job for years with no complaints.’
8. ‘Aargh! I hate going into a room full of strangers.’
Teller skills: read the following dialogue aloud in pairs. Then go back through it and pick out how Jenny:
- Shows she has planned this conversation
- Gets and keeps Chris’s attention
- Structures her message
- Ensures mutual understanding
Jenny approaches her manager, Chris, at his desk.
Jenny: (serious face, good eye contact, clear voice, good pace) Hi, Chris. Have you got a few minutes? It’s about the Barnes Project.
Chris (stops work and sits back): You’d better take a seat. I thought we’d got that project back on track. What’s happened now?
Jenny (sits next to Chris, 90 degree angle): We’ve run into a few problems. But I have got a plan – I just need to see what you think.
Chris (hands behind head, sighs wearily): OK. Tell me more.
Jenny (sits forward, uses hands to reinforce message): Well, you’re right, we were on track. But this week we’ve had 2 big setbacks. First Annie’s been absent all week so we haven’t made any progress with the data processing. And then the new testing equipment had to be returned because it was faulty.
Chris (wearily): What a disaster.
Jenny (good eye contact, earnest tone): Exactly. So we need to take action now, otherwise there’s a risk the project’s going to overrun and send us overbudget.
Chris: We can’t let that happen. What do you suggest we do?
Jenny: (eye contact, positive tone). Well, first, I think we may be able to recover the time next week – if some of us can work flexibly.
Chris (folds arms, shakes head, dismissive tone): Sounds like the last thing we need. Surely we need everyone here trying to get things moving.
Jenny (sincere tone, good eye contact): I know what you mean, but this time that won’t work. Ken and Mo would be sitting twiddling their thumbs without the testing equipment. So here’s my plan. The new equipment is due to arrive next Tuesday. Ken and Mo say they will work extra hours Tuesday to Friday if they can take time off up to then.
Chris (more positive tone) : OK, I see the logic. But I’ll need to speak to both of them to agree some parameters.
Jenny (nods): Absolutely. (Pauses) Then the second issue is the data processing. We’re already 4 days behind schedule. But I’ve called the TES and they could send us a temp tomorrow to clear the backlog. Annie should be back by Wednesday so we would only need to pay a temp for 3 days. The budget can absorb that - and it’s better than an overrun.
Chris (sighs and shakes head): I don’t like the idea – we could waste hours training a temp.
Jenny (energetic tone): I could see if they’ve got anyone who’s used our database before.
Chris (thoughtfully): I suppose that could work.
Jenny: So I’ll ask Ken and Mo to come and see you to agree the flexitime. And you’re happy for me to see about an experienced temp?
Chris: Sounds fine. Let’s talk again later today if they haven’t got anyone.
Jenny (stands): OK. Thanks, Chris.
How does Jenny…Show she has planned the conversation?
Get and keep Chris’s attention?
Structure the conversation?
Ensure mutual understanding?
Teller skills: planning
In order to increase the chance of a satisfactory outcome to a conversation, the Teller has to determine in advance:
· why conversation will take place: clear idea of purpose
· who they are talking to (what they know and don’t know, how it will be received, what their priorities are)
· when would be the most appropriate time
· where would be the best place
· what he/she really wants to get across (main points, headlines, expressing facts and feelings clearly, not hinting, giving reasons for the way you feel)
· How? what would be the best way to get it across ie. how to bring it to life and ensure it is understood (examples, etc), what medium to use.
Which of these has the Teller failed to take into account in the following scenarios? What might be the outcome?
1. Mary is not happy with her working space. She hasn’t got enough room to spread out her papers and use the computer at the same time. She’s got files all over the floor. She is complaining to her supervisor, Vinod, about this. Vinod thinks she is just moaning and needs to be better organised.
2. Sabine sends Jack an Email to ask him whether he’s finished writing his section of an article that she is supposed to review. Jack comes to her desk later in the day to say he felt her tone was rude and abrupt.
3. Carl is explaining to his colleague Brian some short cuts on the computer that he has recently taught himself. 2 days later he is disappointed to see that Brian is still doing things the same old ‘slow’ way.
4. Paul is telling a joke to a group of colleagues in the pub. Kim, a colleague from South Korea, doesn’t laugh. Paul thinks she has no sense of humour.
5. Robert, a senior researcher, calls Wing to ask how her project is going and whether she needs any help or support. Wing gives a lengthy, waffling explanation, and Robert still does not understand what support, if any, she would like from him.
6. Alison is having a performance review discussion with her manager, Gerry. Gerry tells her there have been a number of complaints about Alison’s communication style. This is news to Alison.
Teller skills: your turn to plan
Consider a conversation you need to have and plan it using the questions below. When you have made a few notes, explain your plans to your neighbour.
1. Why will you be having this conversation? What is the purpose?
2. Who will you be talking to and how will this affect the way you communicate with them? eg. How much background will you need to give? What is their reaction likely to be? What nationality are they? What kind of person are they?
3. What do you really want to get across? What should you not say?
4. How will you get your main point(s) across? ie. how to bring it to life and ensure it is understood?
5. When would be the most appropriate time to have the conversation? Why?
6. Where would be the best place to have this conversation? Why?
7. What is the most appropriate medium for this communication? Face-to-face, telephone, email, other? Why?
Understander skills: ask the right questions
In pairs, read aloud each of the dialogues below. Then review the questions used by the understander. These are in bold type.
Decide which are unhelpful and why. How could you use questions more effectively in each case?
1. Conversation with your colleague
‘I just can’t take this job any more. I’m going to talk to Jane today and hand in my notice.’
‘Don’t you think you’re being a bit hasty?’
‘Hasty? I’ve been feeling this way for months.’
‘Yes, but have you got another job to go to?’
‘Of course not, but at this point I don’t really care about that. I just want to get out of here.’
‘Hang on a minute. You really need to calm down and think clearly about this. Why don’t you take a few days holiday? That would give you a chance to get away and look at things more rationally.’
‘That won’t work. I’d just dread coming back afterwards.’
‘Well, that’s what I’d do in your shoes. I’m only trying to help.’
‘I know, but it’s too late to change the way I feel about things. I’m going to go and see Jane right now.’
2. Review discussion with your boss
‘Sometimes I get the impression that you get a bit frustrated dealing with students.’
‘Why would you think that?’
‘Well, now and again your tone of voice is a bit impatient with them.’
‘What do you mean ‘impatient’?’
‘I mean that you sound like you want to get rid of them as soon as possible. That they are an interruption.’
‘Are you saying I’m rude?’
‘I’m only saying what impression you give; perhaps you don’t mean to.’
‘Of course I don’t.’
‘OK. If you say so.’
3. Meeting a stranger on a University training course.
‘Hi. I’m Rob.’
‘Petra. Where do you work?’
‘Department of Anatomy. You?’
The Music Library. What do you do?’
‘I’m a junior researcher. You?’
‘I’m one of the librarians.’
‘Have you worked there a long time?’
‘Only 4 months. What about you?’
I’m on a 2 year contract. So, is it as boring as it sounds working in a library?’
‘Not at all.’
‘So what’s interesting about it then?’
‘Well, at the moment we’re organising a big exhibition about Karl Jenkins.’
‘Oh right. Isn’t he a politician?’
‘No, he’s a ….’
‘Oh…… I think the course is about to start. It was nice to talk to you. Sorry, I’ve forgotten your name?’
‘Petra. And you are..?
‘Rob.’
Barriers to communication
Listen to the responses to the statements below and identify why they could create a barrier to communication. What would be a more helpful response?
‘I’d like a full refund.’
‘She’s just impossible to work with!’
‘So when can we meet to discuss what to do?’
‘I’m upset that my name isn’t on the paper.’
‘I need the data from you today so I can finalise the report.’
‘What do you mean you can’t disclose that information?’
‘I think we could improve the layout on this page.’
Self-review
Make a note of any key points or actions you wish to work on after today.
2 A good conversation needs…
Dialogue A good conversation enables each person to express their point of view, explain their needs and make their thoughts and feelings clear. At the very least a good working conversation requires both people to share the airtime. If you realise that you’re dominating the conversation, take a break and invite the other person in. If you’re feeling left out, invite yourself in, even if that means politely interrupting.
Even when giving instructions or orders, making the conversation a dialogue can be very helpful to both people.
Dialogue involves two roles, both of which include talking and listening. First there is the role of the person who wants to be understood as he/she tells a story, communicates a message or explains a point of view: the ’Teller’.
The other role in dialogue is played by the person who is absorbing the story, message or point of view: this role is that of the ‘Understander’.
Generally speaking, in good conversations people perform both roles, switching between Teller and Understander in order to help the conversation work out for the best.
Mutual clarity Misunderstanding is a common enemy of effective conversation. To avoid it, we need to be deliberately open to other people; this means really hearing and understanding what they have to say. We also need to be deliberately open with other people –actively sharing our thoughts, feelings and experiences.
Sometimes we act as if we can read other people’s minds. This is what happens when instead of listening carefully we make guesses and assumptions about what people mean. All too often our guesses are incomplete or just wrong.
Sometimes we go astray because we assume that the other person is like us. In this case we are basing our understanding on our own view of the world rather than on what the other person is telling us.
At other times we act as though other people are mind-readers. When we fail to provide other people with enough information about our situation and how we feel about it, we force them to make guesses and assumptions. Again the result is often confusion.
Comfortable climate A positive climate will ensure that the important things get said, even if what you are talking about is difficult. This means that you don’t try and score points or ’win’ in any way. Instead, you work as a partnership, responding to each other’s contributions and trying not to tread on each other’s toes too much. The idea is to co-operate rather than compete, so you both feel satisfied by the conversation. Build your conversations around respect.