In Search of Assurance

IN SEARCH

OF ASSURANCE

K.K.ALAVI

IN SEARCH

OF ASSURANCE

K.K. ALAVI

THE GOOD WAY • RIKON/SWITZERLAND

RB 7825 E

THE GOOD WAY • P.O.BOX 66 • CH-8486 RIKON (SUISSE)

This is my story. But it is not only my story. It is the
story of God's goodness to me: how he loved me and
showed me his salvation. Let me begin at the beginning.

MY CHILDHOOD

I was born on Friday, July 15,1951. My father was a
mulla (a Muslim religious leader) in the small village of
Cherukunnu in the South Indian state of Kerala. Every-
one in the village respected my family because we were
strictly religious. My father's special duty was to read
from the Qur'an in Arabic to our Muslim neighbors. Yet
he did not forget to teach his own children.

I can still remember sitting on my father's knee after
evening prayers, hearing him recite the Qur'an and learn-
ing from him. Every day began and ended with readings.
from the Qur'an and prayers. This strict discipline
affected our whole home life.

At the age of five I went to the nearby madrasa
(Muslim religious school) to learn Arabic, so that I could
study the Qur'an. We also had ordinary lessons. When I
was ten years old, I was sent to a regular school at
Kottakal not far from home, where I studied for a year
and a half. However, I could not finish my education
there for reasons that will become clear.

AN EVENTFUL DAY

One Saturday, the market day at Kollakkal, when I
was going home from school with my friends, we saw a
large crowd in the market place. We went over and found
a group of Christians there. They were telling the crowd
about their faith — stories from the life of Jesus and
selling Christian booklets. At first we laughed at the
Christians and made fun of them. In spite of this, we
bought two of the booklets. Mine was called "The Heart
of Pak" and my friend got one about "The Way pS
Salvation." On the way home we talked about the book-
lets and about Christians. My friend tore his copy into
pieces. I kept my booklet although I despised Christians.
When I reached home, I sat down in a quiet place and
started to read "The Heart of Pak." There was an
interesting conversation in the book between a Christian
and a boy. As I read, I wondered if the Jesus of this
booklet was the same 'Isa whom I knew about as a
prophet. To my mind, the Jesus of this booklet was
different from the Jesus of the Qur'an. Now I read that
this Jesus could forgive sins. Yet this very forgiveness of
Jesus had changed (transformed) the boy, and it made
me love Jesus.

When I read of this boy's spiritual plight, I felt as
though the Christian was speaking to my heart also. In
fact, I considered my heart to be in worse condition than
the heart of this youth. How could t find freedom from
this spiritual disease? The booklet offered the cure. I

rejected it because I had been taught that God alone
forgave sins — not Jesus, the prophet.

Nevertheless, I could not free myself from the strong
argument in the booklet. I became uncomfortably aware
of my own sinfulness. What would become of me when I
died? I could not escape death or the Day of Judgment. I
made up my mind to find out more about Jesus with the
help of a correspondence course advertised in this book-
let.

FURTHER STUDY

The correspondence course center promptly sent the
course. Unfortunately, the postman delivered it to my
uncle to give to me. He opened it and discovered its
Christian contents. The next day he showed it to my
father and my uncles. They decided to end this study
before it began!

That same evening when I came back from school, my
father tied me to a pillar of our verandah and beat me
with a stick until I felt weak. The next morning he called
me and spoke lovingly to me; He said, "We Muslims
should not read such books. They are forbidden, espe-
cially the books of the Christians. Since their books are
so attractive, we, too, will become Christians if we read
them. What will happen to our family then? It will ruin
our whole life. Our community will reject us, and it will
be a curse on Islam." I promised my father that I would
never again read these books.

I tore up the booklet and burnt it cursing myself for
failing to do what my friend had done earlier with his
book. From that time on, I became a devout Muslim
reciting daily prayers. Yet as the days went by, I lacked
peace of mind whenever I remembered the booklet and
thought about the condition of my heart.

How could I forget the name "Jesus" when I repeated
it every evening in my recitation of the Qur'an! So I
decided to make a study of Jesus in the Qur'an and in
other Muslim books. I did not know much Arabic, but I
persevered in my study with help of a friend — Yusuf
Mawlawi. He was a Muslim teacher in an Arabic school
near our house and a close friend of our family. I found
that 'Isa has a very important place both in the Qur'an
and in the Hadith or Muslim tradition. In the Qur'an it
seemed to me, 'Isa was even more important than my
prophet Muhammad. Soon both the teacher and my
family became suspicious about my desire to learn more
about Isa. They gently suggested that I concentrate more
on Muhammad. Still I continued to wonder about those
Quranic passages which referred to Jesus, to his unique
birth, and to his marvelous deeds.

"(And remember) when the angels said: O Mary! Lo!
Allah giveth thee glad tidings of a word from Him,
whose name is the Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, illustri-
ous in the world and the Hereafter, and one of those
brought near (unto Allah).

He will speak unto mankind in his cradle and in his
manhood, and he is of the righteous.

She said: My Lord! How can I have a child when no
mortal hath touched me? He said: So (it will be). Allah
createth what He will. If He decreeth a thing, He saith
unto it only: Be! and it is.

And He will teach him the Scripture and wisdom, and
the Torah and the Gospel.

And will make him a messenger unto the Children of
Israel, (saying): Lo! I come unto you with a sign from
your Lord. Lo! I fashion for you out of clay the likeness
of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's
leave. I heal him who was born blind, and the leper, and I
raise the dead, by Allah's leave. And I announce unto
you what ye eat and what ye store up in your houses. Lo!
herein verily is a portent for you, if ye are to be believers.

And (I come) confirming that which was before me of
the Torah, and to make lawful some of that which was
forbidden unto you. I come unto you with a sign from
your Lord, so keep your duty to Allah and obey me."
(3:45-50)

I noticed also that the Qur'an refers especially to the
Tawrat (Old Testament) and the Injil (New Testament),
exhorting me to believe in them because they are "guid-
ance and light" (5:46). Another verse in particular came
to my mind often:

"And if thou art in doubt (Muhammad) concerning
that which We reveal unto thee, then question those who
read the Scripture before thee..." (10:94)

When I read this verse, I remembered the Christians
and their booklet. According to Islam, Christians also
are ahl ul-kitab (the People of the Book). If the Qur'an

encouraged Muhammad to share his doubts with Chris-
tians, then why not me? Yet it was difficult for me to
approach Christians. I had so little contact with them.
Besides, my family would hardly approve!

Not far from my home there is a Christian Mission
Hospital. One day a friend, Abdulla, and I determined to
go there secretly. When we arrived the hospital pharma-
cist, Mr. Kunyukunyu, kindly directed us to the mission-
ary. We were young and nervous and did not know what
to expect. But the missionary greeted us in a friendly way
and made us feel at ease.

After some discussion the missionary suggested that
we attend Sunday School classes and directed us to the
Christian reading room. There we met the reading-room
worker. Later he became my very close friend and a true
brother who helped me in many troubles. He enrolled
me in a correspondence course based on the Gospel
according to John. Both Abdulla and I attended Sunday
School for several weeks without the knowledge of our
parents. Sometimes my friend kindly gave us bus fare;
sometimes we walked the five mile distance. On one
occasion some of our neighbors caught us. They ques-
tioned Abdulla and beat him until he finally revealed our
secret activity.

Next evening, when I returned from school, I saw my
mother and younger sister crying: They knew what my
father had already prepared for me. As I entered the
house, my father suddenly appeared, shouting. He
caught me, tied me up, put me against a wall, beat me
and rubbed ground, green chili on my face and in my

eyes — all the while asking me why I read Christian
books and associated with Christians. My mother faint-
ed. After some time, with the help of a neighbor woman
and my sister-in-law, I was taken to a water tank and
washed.

The following morning my father called me and asked
me to repeat the Muslim creed: "There is no god but
Allah and Muhammad is the prophet of Allah." He led
me through the recitation. Then he warned me about
Christianity, its false teaching about Jesus Christ, the
corruption of the Holy Injil and the bad lives of Chris-
tians. He asked my sister-in-law to burn my Christian
books which she did. All this affected me greatly, and I
cried bitterly. I had no peace of mind, for my opportun-
ity to learn more about Jesus from the Gospels and
from Christians friends had been frustrated.

When I went to the place where I burnt "The Heart of
Pak," I sorely regretted the destruction of the booklet.
As I recalled the conversation in this booklet, the same
tension once more confronted me: the boy's joyful expe-
rience of forgiveness and the heavy burden of sin which
lay on my own heart. As a Muslim, I had learned that we
ourselves are responsible for our sins; no one else can
bear another's burden (Qur'an 6:165). Then how, could
Jesus forgive anyone? Nevertheless, I prayed to God for
further guidance.

An awareness of my own sin never left me. It gnawed
at my heart continually. After two weeks, I felt again a
strong desire to see my Christian friends. I had to share
my difficulties and doubts. The missionary encouraged

me and answered my questions about Christian beliefs
and practices. Most of his answers satisfied me because
he also knew the Qur'an and Muslim faith.

I returned home with a copy of the whole Gospel
which my friend had given to me. Although I was very
glad to have it, I was afraid that someone at home might
see it. So I put the Injil in a plastic bag and hid it under a
stone in the forest. I often went to the forest to read it,
especially St. John's Gospel. One verse, the words of
Jesus, gave me some consolation:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in
God; trust also in me." John. 14:1

The words "believe also in me" impressed me greatly
at that time. Although I was anxious and troubled, this
verse comforted me.

The next Sunday, while on my way to Sunday School,
I noticed my uncle on the same bus. I trembled at the
thought of what my father would do to me after my
uncle reported to him. In spite of this, I attended Sunday
School and spent some time with the missionary.

Before I met my new Christian friends, I had strong
feelings against Christians because I had heard such bad
reports about them. Yet when I observed the missionary's
character, his way of life, and his attitude toward
Muslims, I knew that the accusations I had heard against
Christians certainly did not apply to him. This made me
think. Was his love greater than that of the Muslims?
Had the Messiah Jesus done more for him than my
prophet had done for me? I was confused for I held the

opinion that apart from Muslims, anyone else, including
the Christians who believe that God is the Messiah, is an
unbeliever (kafir) and is rejected by God. As the Qur'an
says:

They surely disbelieve who say: Lo! Allah is the
Messiah, son of Mary. The Messiah (himself) said: O
Children of Israel, worship Allah, my Lord and your
Lord. Lo! Whoso ascribeth partners unto Allah, for him
Allah hath forbidden Paradise. His abode is the Fire. For
evil-doers there will be no helpers.

They surely disbelieve who say: Lo! Allah is the third
of three; when there is no God save the'One God. If they
desist not from so saying a painful doom will fall on
those of them who disbelieve. (5:72, 73)

I remembered also how I thought that because I was a
Muslim who had submitted myself to God, I was holier
than Christians. But as I became more aware of my own

sinfulness, I realized that the missionary was the one who
had submitted himself to God, for his character proved
it. I could tell that his love came from Jesus Christ, just as
"The Heart of Pak" had described it.

Like a magnet the love of Jesus attracted me. I
thought that if Jesus were my master too, how I would
love him! Yet, when the idea of becoming a Christian
crossed my mind, I rejected it as an evil thought from
Satan —for I was a Muslim.

I returned from Sunday School in great fear. I was
ready to accept whatever my father did to me, but for
two days nothing happened. On the third day, after
school my father caught me and threw me into a bush.
Then he seized a stick and beat me so severely that I
almost died. My mother ran to rescue me, but she was
beaten also. It was only by the grace of God that I
recovered. Again I confessed the Muslim creed and
promised my father that I would have no more contact
with Christians. Was my confession only an escape from
further beating?