HALF-PAST EIGHT PM
SCREENPLAY BY SCOTT A. WILLIAMS
CHARACTERS
Mark Johansen
Perry Robbin
Beth Collingwood
Louie Vercotti
Billy Vercotti
Carol Hoffs
Mikey Hoffs
Ghost
Karen Walker
Elaine Thomason
SETTINGS
Mark’s parents’ house
Perry’s apartment
Louie’s pad
Carol’s place
a drinking establishment
The terminus
Perry’s parent’s basement, one year ago.
TITLE ON BLACK:
“The following is the product of a solitary writer’s overactive imagination, and is in no way based in reality. Any resemblance to any situations or persons, living or dead, means you are insane.”
Fade up:
INT – Mark’s room in Mrs. Johansen’s house, morning. We see the sun pouring through the window. Mark sleeps buried under covers.
SFX – Phone ringing.
CUT TO: The clock reads “8:30” (and indicates AM.)
Eventually, frustrated at the insistently-ringing phone, stumbles out of bed and answers it in the kitchen.
MARK
Hello? (Beat) No, sorry, they’re on vacation. (Beat) A cruise in the Carribean. I’m house-sitting. (Beat) Like, two weeks. (Beat) Oh, hey Perry. Yeah, sure, come on over. (Beat) Wait, why were you calling my mom?
CREDITS ROLL over:
Mark puts bread in the toaster.
INT – Perry’s apartment, morning. Perry puts on his pants and leaves the house. Pan over to a girl in his bed (Karen.)
INT – Louie’s drawing room. Louie ties up his tie, glances at the newspaper and checks his watch. He leaves and goes out to his car. Billy is waiting there.
INT – Carol’s place. She enters, yawns, and goes to bed.
EXT – Mrs. Johansen’s place, morning. Perry walks up to the door and rings the bell.
INT – Mrs. Johansen’s place. Mark answers the door.
PERRY
Uh, hello, are there any douchebags here?
MARK
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
PERRY
No, but I kissed yours last night! Ohhh!
MARK
(Flatly)
Nice. C’mon in.
They enter. As they talk, Mark goes over to the coffee machine and makes a cup. Perry sits. Once Mark is done, he joins him.
MARK
You want anything? Coffee?
PERRY
No thanks, too early for coffee.
MARK
Suit yourself. What’s up?
PERRY
Not much. I was thinking of going to the zoo tomorrow, to look at monkeys.
MARK
(Flatly)
Really. The zoo.
PERRY
Sure. Man, I love animals. And if you go right in the middle of spring, it’s mating season, it gets really wild.
Brief silence.
MARK
That’s sick. You need help.
PERRY
Says you. So you up for the zoo?
MARK
I really don’t think so.
PERRY
Oh, come on! Fuckin’ pandas, man!
MARK
As appealing as that sounds, I’ve got better things to do.
PERRY
(Somewhat outraged)
Oh like what?!
MARK
Well, work, for one.
PERRY
(Mockingly)
Buuuuuuull-shiiiiiiiit…!
MARK
Man, shut up for a sec. I’m serious, I’ve got a lot to take care of, and then…
PERRY
Then what?
MARK
Huh?
PERRY
You just kind of trailed off after “and then…”
MARK
Well, it’s just this thing. Forget it.
PERRY
No, no, tell me. Come on. Please. Please! C’mon! C’MON! PLEASE!
Mark goes to the drawer, pulls out the letter from Beth, and tosses it on the table. Perry takes it out and reads it.
PERRY
What’s this?
MARK
She’s coming home.
PERRY
What, Beth? No shit, eh?
MARK
No shit.
PERRY
What’s it been? Four, five years?
MARK
Just one, Per.
PERRY
Hasn’t she heard of e-mail?
MARK
I guess she’s old fashioned.
PERRY
Yeah, whatever. So when’s she coming?
MARK
Today. Her bus gets in tonight. I’m gonna meet her there.
PERRY
(Sarcastic)
Aww, that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. (Raspberry.)
Perry gets up and pours himself a glass of orange juice.
PERRY
You don’t mind, do you?
MARK
(Rolling eyes)
Go ahead.
INT – Louie’s car. Louie sits in the driver’s seat, Billy next to him. Between them are assorted files.
LOUIE
What’s tonight’s account?
BILLY
Hoffs.
LOUIE
Who now?
BILLY
Small client. Local businessman. Has a grievance.
LOUIE
Well perhaps we can assuage his anxiety.
BILLY
Nice alliteration, boss.
LOUIE
Shut up, Billy.
They drive off.
INT – Mark’s parents’ house, day. Perry is finishing off a plate of toast.
MARK
How’s Karen?
PERRY
Don’t even ask. She’s gotta visit her mom or something because her dad’s sick… I’m trying to stay out of it. (Beat) I figure it’s good to give a girl a lot of space to work things out, so we haven’t spoken a lot this week.
MARK
That’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
PERRY
Hey where does it say I gotta be around 24/7 to help her with every little problem?
MARK
Isn’t that what you said when you proposed?
PERRY
Yeah… shit, guess I’d better get married soon.
MARK
What’s it been, eight months and you haven’t picked a date?
PERRY
Seven months and yeah, we’ve picked a date. We’ve picked lots of dates. We just keep changing them.
MARK
Eight months.
PERRY
No, no, seven.
MARK
You proposed at that labor-day thing we did, at the beach.
PERRY
(Doing finger-math) Six, seven, February, March… hold shit, it’s March?
MARK
April, genius.
PERRY
April? Shit, she’s going back to school soon. Do you know how hard it is to keep a committed relationship long-distance?
MARK
It’s not long-distance if she still lives with you.
PERRY
Yeah, but that leaves me at home all day to, uh…
MARK
Do absolutely nothing?
PERRY
Yeah, more or less.
MARK
Who was that girl I saw you with on the weekend?
PERRY
What is this, 20 questions? What girl?
MARK
The one I saw you with on the weekend.
PERRY
Did I see you on the weekend?
MARK
Don’t be an idiot.
PERRY
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MARK
Long, black hair. About 5’5. Young.
PERRY
Oh, that girl. My sister.
MARK
You don’t have a sister.
PERRY
Sure I do!
MARK
You don’t have a sister, you’ve never
MARK (cont’d)
had a sister, and unless your parents get back together, you never will have a sister.
PERRY
I’ve had lots of sisters.
Mark just glares at him.
PERRY
It’s a long story.
MARK
I’ve got time.
PERRY
I don’t have to share my private life with you.
MARK
That’s all you ever do!
There is a pause.
PERRY
Well I was at the bank yesterday…
EXT – town street, day. Perry steps out of a bank. He walks over to the crosswalk and waits.
ELAINE (OS)
Perry Robbin?
Perry looks and sees Elaine
PERRY
I know you?
ELAINE
Elaine Thomason. We had Calculus together.
PERRY
We did?
ELAINE
You threw a wadded-up ball of paper at me once and got sent to the office.
PERRY
Oh, paper girl! How’ve you been? You look… good. Real good.
ELAINE
You’re not so bad yourself. Where’ve you been lately?
PERRY
Indoors mostly.
ELAINE
(Laughs slightly.)
PERRY
What about you?
ELAINE
I’ve been at University. Higher learning, you know.
PERRY
I hear good things about it.
CUT TO:
INT – Mark’s parents’ house, day.
PERRY
Well, long story short…
CUT TO:
INT – coffee shop, day. They sit and talk.
ELAINE
You know, back in high school, I had a huge crush on you. Bet you never knew.
PERRY
(Scratching chin) really…
CUT TO:
INT – Mark’s parents’ house, day.
MARK
You didn’t!
PERRY
Can I finish my story please?
MARK
Fine, go ahead.
PERRY
So anyway, then we did it.
MARK
Aw, Perry!
PERRY
What?
MARK
I can’t believe you!
PERRY
Why?!
MARK
With paper girl?
PERRY
Oh, come on, it’s not like it’s a crime to fool around a bit.
MARK
Yes! Yes, it is! It’s called adultery!
PERRY
Would be! Yeah, it would be, if Karen and I were even married yet!
MARK
You really are a piece of work.
PERRY
I’m quite a guy.
MARK
You’re ridiculous. You know Karen’s gonna find out.
PERRY
Why? Are you gonna tell her?
MARK
No, but I know she’s gonna find out. It’s inevitable.
PERRY
It was only one time!
Mark glares at him again.
PERRY
It was only three times. I’m not even gonna see her again. After tonight.
MARK
(Laughing slightly)
You’re scum of the Earth, Perry. I hope you realize that.
PERRY
What would you do without me?
MARK
I shudder to think.
PERRY
Anyway, I gotta get going. I gotta take care of some stuff with Karen before she goes.
MARK
SHE goes?
PERRY
I’m meeting her there on Saturday.
MARK
Hey, you wanna meet Beth with me?
PERRY
I don’t know man. I always got the feeling Beth hated me.
MARK
Come on. I can’t do it alone.
PERRY
Maybe I’ll stop by.
Perry goes to the door.
PERRY
Eight o’clock was it?
MARK
Half-past.
EXT – a drinking establishment. Louie walks out, checks his watch, and takes out a phone. He dials.
LOUIE
Mr. Hoffs? This is Louie Vercotti, calling to confirm our appointment. I trust you received my fax? (Beat) Excellent. In it you will find directions to our meeting spot. I look forward to it.
Louie hangs up. Billy exits the drinking establishment.
LOUIE
Billy, did you have to be so rough?
BILLY
He’ll be thinking about that broken hand next time he tries to pinch a girl’s butt.
LOUIE
Ladylike as always.
They exit.
CUT TO:
INT – Perry’s apartment. Karen is packing.
PERRY
Hey, sorry I’m late, Mark just had some blah-blah-blah he needed to talk about.
KAREN
Oh, that’s fine. Did you pick up the flowers?
PERRY
Flowers?
KAREN
I wanted you to pick up some flowers. My mom loved the ones you gave her last time.
PERRY
Oh, yeah, sure, I’ll just do that.
Perry turns around to leave.
KAREN
(Calling After him)
Love you!
PERRY
(Reluctant)
Love you too.
Perry exits.
CUT to:
EXT – Mark’s parents’ house, day. Mark sits, sullenly, on the porch, reading the letter he got from Beth.
DISSOLVE to:
A montage of Beth plays: it is semi-sentimental, but doing very mundane things, like sitting in class, bored, and playing solitaire.
BETH (VO)
Dear Mark, I’m writing you this letter because I don’t have a computer. I hope it gets to you, because I don’t
BETH (VO/cont’d)
know if you still live with your parents or what. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, but I really thought you’d like to know: I’m coming home. My flight gets in at 7:45 on Thursday, and I’ll be back in town by bus around half-past eight. I really want to see you. After
tomorrow, you can reach me at 905 (beep). Love, Beth.
CUT to:
EXT – Mark’s parent’s porch, day. Up walks a figure (Perry Robbin.) His shadow comes over Mark.
PERRY
Don’t you have a job you should be doing?
MARK
I took the day off.
PERRY
Okay. Wanna make me some lunch?
MARK
No.
PERRY
Okay fine, want to go find some lunch? I’m thinkin’ sushi.
MARK
I just ate.
PERRY
Well then would you like to watch me eat?
MARK
No.
PERRY
Come on, man, meet me halfway here! I’m bored outta my skull.
MARK
Weren’t you supposed to be doing something with Karen?
PERRY
She sent me on a flower run.
MARK
She’s baking?
PERRY
Not flour… like, roses and crap.
MARK
Ah. Well in any case, I’ve gotta go pick up dry cleaning.
PERRY
Can I come with?
MARK
Don’t you have someone else to bother?
INT – hallways of Perry’s building. He and Elaine race in, laughing wildly. He opens the door to his apartment.
PERRY
Shh! (Calling) Karen? Honey? You in? Okay, the coast is clear.
ELAINE
Who’s Karen?
PERRY
What?
ELAINE
You just called in and asked if Karen was there.
PERRY
Oh, uh, my dog.
Elaine gives a look that she doesn’t believe him.
PERRY
Cat?
ELAINE
You have a girlfriend, don’t you.
PERRY
It’s not really--
ELAINE
And she lives with you.
PERRY
Not really.
A moment passes where she just scowls.
PERRY
You’re really cute when you scowl.
ELAINE
I want the truth, Perry Robbin.
PERRY
She… we’re… kinda… engaged. (Beat) It’s so hard to lie to your accent.
He goes to kiss her, she moves away.
ELAINE
You’re an asshole, Perry.
She turns and leaves.
PERRY
Oh, come on!
She gets on the elevator.
PERRY
Goddamn.
Quick fade to Black.
End Act I.
MARK (VO)
Serves you right.
EXT – street. Perry and Mark walk to the terminus.
PERRY
Goddamn poetic justice.
MARK
How many times have you done this? No wonder you keep pushing the date back.
PERRY
No, actually, that’s her. Y’know, on those grounds, I secretly suspect she’s cheating on me.
MARK
Why would you say that?
PERRY
Because it’s what I would do.
MARK
No, it’s what you DID.
PERRY
Hey get off it. It’s not like anything happened.
MARK
Perry, you had sex. What else COULD happen?
PERRY
It’s not like we had coffee or anything afterwards.
They arrive at the terminus and sit down. Mark looks around nervously.
PERRY
Looking for snipers?
MARK
I just wanted to make sure the bus wasn’t coming.
PERRY
We’re an hour early—- stop doing that! What is the big fuckin’ deal about Beth anyway?
MARK
Oh, you know.
PERRY
Does she owe you money?
MARK
No.
PERRY
Mark… did she take your flower?
MARK
What?! No!
PERRY
She did, didn’t she! You shtupped Beth, and now you feel bad!
MARK
No I didn’t! Beth and I never had… (pause, sigh,) anything.
PERRY
Ohh… but you… haha, holy shit you liked her, didn’t you! (Mark gets embarrassed) You did!
MARK
(Laughing slightly at self)
Shut up.
PERRY
I’m never gonna let you live this down.
MARK
You’re an asshole.
PERRY
Why do people keep saying that? It’s really starting to hurt!
MARK
I’m so fuckin’ tense.
PERRY
You’re gettin’ all worked up over nothing.
MARK
Nothing? This is a big deal. Girls like her don’t stay single for long. This is my one chance to really make something between me and her.
PERRY
”Her and I,” dude. Hey, you’ve got an advantage. You’ve known her since kindergarten. Nothing’s sexier than a guy who almost choked on tinker toy.
MARK
I think I’m gonna throw up.
PERRY
Haha, I’ve heard that before.
MARK
When?
PERRY
One year ago, more or less. It was that big farewell party we had after high school.
MARK
You mean the prom?
PERRY
Yeah, but it was afterward. We were in the basement at my parents’ house, you me and Beth. You were passed out on the couch…
DISSOLVE TO:
INT – Perry’s parents’ basement, DAY. Beth and Perry sit around, Mark is lying face down, almost passed out, on a couch.
BETH
It’s getting late… and Mark looks like he’s done.
MARK
(Angry, drunken gibberish)
BETH
I think I’d better go. I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow morning for my flight.
PERRY
Hey, bring me back some of those fish and chips!
BETH
Perry, I’m gonna be gone for a long time.
PERRY
Then you’d better put it in plastic wrap! Hahahahaha!
BETH
(Unamused)
Whatever. Listen, I’ve gotta go, like, right now. Is he gonna be okay?
MARK
I think I’m gonna throw up!
PERRY
Yeah, no worries, I’ll get him some coffee.
Beth stands to leave.
BETH
Well anyway, tell him I said (thinks) goodbye.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT - The terminus. Late afternoon. Mark & Perry are still sitting.
PERRY
By the way, she said “goodbye.”
MARK
(Oozing sarcasm)
Wow. I feel a lot better.
Perry suddenly stands up.
PERRY
Oh, I gotta go. That was my pager. I forgot to get Karen’s flowers.
MARK
You going?
PERRY
(Indecisive)
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
A pause while Mark tries to figure out what that means and how it applies to this conversation.
PERRY
Yeah, I’ll see you later. (Walking away) Hey, kiss Beth for me! With tongue!
Mark sits and thinks.
MARK (VO)
Okay. So, here I am, waiting.
Mark looks at his watch.
MARK (VO)
I’m waiting, and it’s 8:07. Twenty, no, twenty-three minutes. Give or take. Shit. What am I doing? Planning to ambush her? Drop a burlap sack over her head, take her home and say “we’re gonna be happy and there’s nothing you can do?” Fuck! I’m a
MARK (VO/cont’d)
fuckin’ idiot! I don’t deserve her, a retard like me! Shit! Okay, I’ve gotta go. I’ve gotta get outta here, calm my nerves, maybe come back a little later. Get some coffee. No, I’m too jittery. I could get decaf… decaf, decaf… shit! I need to calm the fuck down! Coffee is good and this, this is wrong… shit. Everything I do is wrong, and I suck! I suck, I suck, I suck! Just get up and leave already!