Couple Strengths and Issues in Communication

Chapter 4

COMMUNICATION AND INTIMACY

Chapter Outline

Couple Strengths and Issues in Communication

Perspectives on Communication

Gender Differences in Communication Style

Box 4.1: Self Assessment: Your Gender Communication Quotient

Cultural Differences in Communication Style

Using Communication to Develop Intimacy

Communication as a Cooperative Endeavor

Content and Relationship Messages

Nonverbal Communication

Mixed Messages and Double Binds

Metacommunication: Clarifying Your Communication

Using Communication to Maintain Intimacy

Speaking: The Art of Self-Disclosure

Box 4.2: Putting It Together: Improving Your Communication Skills

Listening: A Difficult Skill

Assertive, Passive, and Aggressive Communication

Box 4.3: Putting It Together: Using Communication to Increase Intimacy

Positive and Negative Communication Cycles

The Positive Influence of Assertiveness

The Negative Influence of Avoidance

Summary

Key Terms

Activities

Suggested Readings

Learning Objectives

After reading Chapter 4, the student should be able to:

• Describe the importance of communication in developing and maintaining intimacy.

• Recognize how styles of communication used by males and females and by various cultural groups differ.

• Discuss the basic principles of communication and the importance of nonverbal communication.

• Identify specific speaking and listening skills and explain how to use them effectively.

• Explain the value of assertiveness and the usefulness of various styles of communication.

• Discuss the term self-disclose and how it can enhance mental health.

Summary

Communication, the process of sharing messages, is an integral part of intimacy. In a national survey of couple communication strengths, happy couples agreed more often than unhappy couples that they were satisfied with how they talked to each other as partners, had no trouble believing each other, felt their partner did not make comments that put them down, were not afraid to ask their partner for what they wanted, and felt free to express their true feelings to their partner. The top five communication issues identified by couples in a national survey were the following: (1) they felt their partner did not understand them; (2) they wished their partner would share his or her feelings; (3) they were afraid to share negative feelings for fear their partner would become angered; (4) they felt their partner gave them the silent treatment; and (5) they felt their partner made comments that put them down.

Men and women tend to have different communication styles as a result of culturally established gender roles. Although communication styles can vary greatly from one individual to another, in general, men tend to be more competitive in their communication and women tend to be more focused on connecting emotionally with others.

Basic principles of communication include the following: (1) one cannot not communicate; (2) the message sent is often not the message received; (3) when communication fails, both people are to blame; (4) all messages convey both content information and relationship information; (5) nonverbal communication carries about 65% of the meaning in an interpersonal exchange; (6) incongruent verbal and nonverbal communication can cause misunderstanding; and (7) metacommunication (talking about talking) is useful for unbinding double binds.

Self-disclosure—individual revelations of personal information or feelings—is a key to the development of intimacy. Listening is the process of developing a full understanding of another person’s “story” (situation, concern, point of view). Persuasive listeners and directive listeners try to control the conversation. Attentive listeners aim at fully understanding the other person’s point of view, an approach that encourages the development of genuine intimacy.

Assertive communication assumes that expressing thoughts, feelings, and desires is the right of the individual. Passive communication is characterized by an unwillingness to say what one thinks, feels, or wants. Aggressive communication aims at hurting or putting down the other person. Assertiveness and self-confidence are key elements of a positive communication cycle. A negative communication cycle is characterized by avoidance and partner dominance. The more assertive and less avoidant partners are, the more satisfying their relationship will be.

Key Terms

communication
linear causality model
circular causality model
nonverbal communication
mixed message
double bind / metacommunication
self-disclosure
persuasive listening
directive listening
attentive listening
assertive communication / passive communication
aggressive communication
assertiveness
self-confidence
avoidance
partner dominance

Lecture Notes

I. Perspectives on Communication. Communication is the process of creating and sharing messages. It takes both verbal and nonverbal forms. Many people believe that communication is at the heart of intimacy. The two top predictors of marital satisfaction in one national study were good communication and skill at conflict resolution. Mothers and fathers tend to rate the quality of communication in a family higher than teenagers do.

A. Gender differences in communication style. Males and females tend to have different communication styles, which are related to the different cultures in which they grow up. Although these differences can easily be exaggerated, men tend to be more competitive in their communication and women tend to be more focused on emotionally connecting. Both styles have utility in life and can be used by both genders.

B. Cultural differences in communication style. There are also cultural differences in communication styles around the world. It is important to be sensitive to these differences to avoid unnecessary conflict. (There are several examples in the text if the instructor wants to illustrate this point more fully. Or the instructor may wish to ask class members to give examples from their travels around the United States and the world.)

II. Using Communication to Develop Intimacy. Basic principles of communication include the following: (1) you cannot not communicate; (2) the message sent is often not the message received; (3) when communication fails, both people are to blame; (4) each message conveys both content information and relationship information; (5) nonverbal communication tells much of the story, perhaps 65%; (6) one should be wary of incongruent verbal and nonverbal communication; and (7) the primary method for unbinding the double bind is through metacommunication.

III. Using Communication to Maintain Intimacy

A. Speaking: The art of self-disclosure. Self-disclosure occurs when an individual reveals to one or more individuals some personal information or feelings that they could not normally know. Self-disclosure is a key to the development of intimacy and generally enhances mental health. We often feel better after revealing information about ourselves because it is cathartic to “get things off one’s chest.” Self-disclosure also helps us build intimacy because when others learn more about us, they tend to tell us more about themselves.

B. Listening: A difficult skill. Listening is a process of developing a full understanding of another person’s “story” (situation, concern, point of view). A listener can lead the conversation by persuading, clarify issues by directing, and discover things about the other person by attending. Power and control are central considerations in a conversation. Are we going to follow the leader or be the leader? Persuasive listening and directive listening aim at controlling the conversation. Attentive listening aims at fully understanding the other person’s point of view. Attentive listening is more likely to aid in developing genuine intimacy.

C. Passive, aggressive, and assertive communication. Assertive behavior aims at expressing thoughts, feelings, and desires because to do so is an individual’s right. Passive behavior is characterized by an unwillingness to say what one thinks, feels, or wants. Aggressive behavior aims at hurting or putting down the other person.

D. Positive and Negative Communication Cycles. Positive communication cycles are interactions that involve individuals utilizing assertive communication with their partner which often enables people to get more of what they want from others. This leads to individuals feeling more self confident, which in turn, leads to a greater willingness to be assertive. Negative communication cycles as one person avoids making decisions, the other partner will take over and become more dominant, and as one partner becomes more dominant, the other partner may withdraw further. The combination of avoidance and partner dominance creates a negative communication cycle.

Activities

1. Study Jane Tear’s chart, “Conversational Style and Gender,” in Table 4.3. In small groups, discuss the hypothesis that men tend to use conversation in a competitive way in an effort to “win,” whereas women tend to use conversation to build relationships. Is this true, or is it a stereotype? What are the values and limitations of each style?

2. Because males and females are socialized differently, adult male culture differs somewhat from adult female culture. What can parents do for their children in the early years to minimize confusion and misunderstanding between the sexes later on?

3. Use the Couple and Family Scales in Appendix A to rate the communication in your family of origin now or at some time in the past. Identify the most positive and most negative aspects of that communication.

4. Use the Couple and Family Scales in Appendix A to rate the communication at various stages of a current relationship (friendship, dating, cohabiting, marriage). How has the communication changed over time on each aspect of the scale?

5. Focus on assertive, passive, and aggressive behavior in this exercise. Form groups of four. Two people will role-play the following styles for 2 to 3 minutes while the other two people observe. After each segment, discuss what it felt like to play the assigned role or to observe the role-playing. When your group has role-played all three styles, compare and contrast the various styles.

a. Passive and aggressive (one person acts passively; one acts aggressively)

b. Assertive and passive (one acts assertively; one acts passively)

c. Assertive and assertive (both people are assertive).