DAKOTA
CHARACTERS, Act One
(In order of appearance)
Mrs. Jenny Denny Kind County Fair co-director
Miss Sarah Leigh Slocum Demanding County Fair co-director
Sheriff Doogie Morrow Dakota County Sheriff
Flo the sheriff’s assistant
Peter Randolf Ankster State employee
Mayor Newheart Cabrey’s father
Mrs. McGuthrie elderly, concerned townswoman
Grace Townsend teenager
Cabrey Newheart teenaged daughter of the mayor
Mandi Klein teenager
Arnie Kloppenhoffer teenager
Robyn Simpson teenager
Lily teenager
J.J. teenager
Lou J.J.’s sidekick
DAKOTA
The setting is a small, rural town. The time is present day. In Act 1, the main stage will be the center of town. Characters here and throughout Act 1 should be dressed as “typical” rural teens: not necessarily “country” or “western” attire, but not especially urban or trendy, either.
Act One
Scene One
All sing: “County Fair”
“County Fair” ends.
Mrs. Jenny Denny and Miss Sarah Leigh Slocum enter. Both are dressed as typical, middle class women in a rural community. Mrs. Denny is extremely happy. Miss Slocum tries to be pleasant, but she projects an aura of pessimism and general distrust of young people.
Mrs. Denny: Nice job, everybody! I think the folks will like that just fine. Don’t forget, folks at fairs like smiling. You all just smile and have fun and the crowd will, too.
Miss Slocum: Yes, yes, Miss Denny. They have to smile. But you all need to shape up those costumes, too. Some of you boys don’t have your cowboy hats on. Folks at fairs like cowboy hats as much as they like smiling. This is a traditional, family fair, don’t forget. We’re not about to turn this into some modern art scene.
Mrs. Denny: Ok guys, any questions? Anything? Ok, then I guess we’ll see you all tomorrow night. Make sure you’re here by 5:30 so we can warm up. Ok? Good night now.
All start to leave as Sheriff Morrow moves DOWN CENTER. He has been chatting with Miss Slocum. He is followed by Flo, his deputy.
Morrow: Hold up. Hold up, now, kids. I need to talk to ya’ll. Miss Slocum and I were just talking about an important annual event here in town: the spring prank. I know you’ve heard about the pranks that used to go on back in the old days. Sure, some of ‘em were funny. Some of ‘em were inappropriate. Some of ‘em were excessive, malicious, sinful, odious transgressions the likes of which no man, woman nor child should ever have the misfortune of…ah, sorry, I tend to digress. (Flo gives him a handkerchief to wipe his brow. He also uses it to shine his sheriff’s star, then gives it back to Flo. She wrings it out.) But it’s my job as sheriff to make sure they don’t happen any more. So far, I haven’t heard a peep about any plans for this year’s prank. And that’s a good thing, let me tell you. Because if any malfeasance occurs on my watch…(aside, to Flo) that means if anything bad happens…I can assure you that punishment will be both swift and severe. We will not tolerate…
As he speaks, a stranger enters. The stranger wears a rather fashionable suit. He also wears a hat, glasses, and a mustache. He walks to Morrow’s side and nods his head as if in agreement.
Morrow (continued) Who are you?
Peter: (serious, official) The name’s Ankster. Peter Randolph Ankster. State board of arts and community services. My card. (Hands him a business card.) You in charge here?
Morrow: Well, in an existential sense, you might say I run the show, so to speak. (He pulls on his suspenders as he speaks; they slip out of his hands, snapping back painfully.) I’m the sheriff, Douglas Morrow. Friends call me Doogie.
Peter: Well, Doogie…
Morrow: You can call me Sheriff Morrow. (He breathes on and shines his star.)
Peter: Yes, well, Sheriff, I’m really looking for the director of your county fair. Would that be one of these lovely ladies?
Miss Slocum: Why yes it would. I’m Sarah Leigh Slocum, co-director of the Dakota County Fair, at your service. Mr. Anchor, was it?
Peter: Ankster. But please, call me Peter.
Mrs. Denny: Hello, Peter, welcome to Dakota County. I’m Jenny Denny. I help out around here, too.
Peter: Well, ladies, I can see you’re busy. I’ll get right to the point. As I said, I’m from the state board of arts and community services. This year, at the state fair in June, we will be hosting a “Tour our County Fairs” exhibit. Five counties from throughout the state will be a part of our state fair. Down in the capital we’ve heard so much about you Dakota County folks that we would like you to compete for a spot. If you’re selected, your County will receive a state grant in the amount of $100,000, to be used however the town leaders see fit.
Slocum: Why that’s remarkable!
Denny: We’re just so honored to be asked to compete; thank you very much Mr. Ankster. But, you do know our fair is tomorrow night, don’t you? That doesn’t give us much time to…
Peter: (unsure) Yes, well, we…don’t like to give too much advance notice. We don’t want anything out of the ordinary. Just be your normal, friendly selves and you’ll do fine.
Morrow: Why, we sure will, Petey! Yep, we got a County Fair that’s second to none. The games, the food, the song and dance numbers! (He taps Flo on the shoulder and motions for her to start the break dance move. Flo reluctantly agrees.) And wait till you see the pig roast! Good old Josh Krall puts those cherries in the eye ball sockets and sticks a big fat apple in the mouth and…
Act One
Scene Two
The mayor’s office. Center curtain will remain open, lights low. Mayor Newheart is talking to Mrs. McGuthrie. She is an eccentric, elderly woman.
Newheart: I understand your concern, Mrs. McGuthrie.
McGuthrie: I don’t think you do, Mayor Newheart.
Newheart: I do, I hear what you’re saying about those “wicked” books in the library. But I personally read every page of this Great Expectations, and I have to say, I think it’s…it’s…great!
McGuthrie: It’s filth! Convicts, old ladies who don’t bathe for twenty years, theft, deceit, it’s…it’s…
Newheart: Long?
McGuth: It’s awful!
Newheart: It’s a classic! And besides, if you ever need a little boost at your desk (he puts the book on his chair and sits on top of it). Look, I can see right down Main Street now!
McGuth: You’re not even taking me seriously.
Newheart: I can assure you I am, Hazel. Can I call you Hazel?
McGuth: Of course you can, Jack, you’ve known…
Newheart: Wonderful, Hazel. To be honest, I’m just not sure we’ll ever see eye to on this particular topic. But, let’s get down to the basic roots of what is truly important here.
McGuth: Well, ok…
Newheart: The pie contest at tomorrow’s fair.
McGuth: (confused) The pie contest?
Newheart: You will be entering your famous blueberry pie, now won’t you?
McGuth: Why yes, of course. I always…
Newheart: You always do! That’s exactly what I’m saying! Let’s put this little literary debate aside till after the fair.
McGuth: Well, ok, Mr. Mayor, I’m willing to do that but…
Newheart: Hazel, (very seriously) do I have your word on it? You just gotta enter that blueberry pie in the contest. It’s…it’s…well it’s part of what makes Dakota County so very special.
McGuth: (flattered) Well, Mr. Mayor, when you put it that way…
(Morrow, Denny, Slocum, and others enter. They are very excited about the announcement. All start talking loudly at once as soon as they enter.)
Newehart: Ladies and Gentleman! Mrs. McGuthrie and I were discussing important County Fair business. And now she needs prepare her contribution for tomorrow’s festivities. Can I please see her to the door before you all waste any more of her precious time?
Denny: Of course, Jack, we’re sorry. Excuse us, Hazel.
Newheart: Ok, then, Mrs. McGuthrie. Thank you for your time. And you remember what we talked about.
McGuth: I will, Jack. I sure will.
Newheart: Mrs. McGuthrie?
McG: Yes, Mayor?
Newheart: Do I, do I have your word on it?
McG: Yes, yes of course you do. (She exits)
Newheart: (very seriously) What a great woman. (He takes a moment to collect himself; then, confidently, rejuvenated) Now, what can I do for all you fine citizens today?
All start to tell the story at once. They speak loudly, quickly, and excitedly. Lights and voices fade.
Act One
Scene Three
Main stage. The teenagers (CABREY, MANDI, LILY) return to the scene of the fair rehearsal. They are still giggling about what has happened. Others (GRACE, ROBYN, ARNIE) enter from opposite. They just heard the news about the state fair contest. Another teen, J.J., also enters. He carries a guitar with him, sits apart from the others, and plays quietly. OTHERS are still hanging around.
Grace: Hey, Cabrey, we heard everybody’s already talking about what we’ll spend the prize money on.
Cabrey: (amused) Really? Wow, that’s great. What do you think we’ll do with it?
Mandi: We heard they might add on to the rec center. Maybe we can finally get that beach volleyball court.
Arnie: (with a thick accent) You mean with sand?
Robyn: That’s why it’s beach volleyball, Arnie.
Arnie: Oh, I always thought it was “peach” volleyball. (Laughs loudly.)
Mandi: Yeah, well, whatever. We probably won’t get anything good. I mean this is Dakota County. What do we ever get good around here? Still, it would be pretty cool to win. I mean, then we’d all get to go to the capitol to perform. Right?
Lily: Uh, yeah, sure, why not! And I really think we’re going to win, too. I’ve got a good feeling about it. (Mandi and Lily giggle.)
Mr. Anskster enters. Some of the kids are surprised to see him. Cabrey and her friends
start to laugh. They can barely control themselves.
Cabrey: (smirking) Mr. Ankster! You’re back. So good to see you again!
Peter: Yes, well, I just had a few more items that I wanted to discuss. I was hoping to catch old Doogie again. Is he around?
Cabrey: No, Tommy. The coast is clear.
He and others begin to laugh. They can no longer hold it in. Peter takes off his hat, then his glasses, and finally he removes the mustache he was wearing. The rest of the kids see that it is a boy about their age. All are now either laughing or stunned.
Mandi: Oh my God! You mean, he’s not…
Cabrey: No, he’s not “Peter Randolf Ankster.”
Robyne: So there’s no state fair contest?
Cabrey: No! There is no “state board of arts and community services.”
Peter: That was a good one, Cabrey. I didn’t think I could get that out without screwing it up!
Mandi: Yeah, but how about those cards I printed up! Got any more? (Tommy hands her a card. She shows it off to others.)
Grace: Wow, so you guys set the whole thing up?
Lily: Yep! Welcome to Spring Prank, 2004! Brought to you by the brilliant, deceitful mind of our very own Cabrey Newheart!
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Lily and Mandi exit LEFT. Cabrey crosses to exit RIGHT. J.J. is still seated and playing his guitar. Cabrey walks past him and almost OFF before J.J. talks to her.
J.J. Peter Randolf Anskster?
Cabrey: What? Oh, hey J.J., what’s up?
J.J.: P.R. Anskster? Is that the best you could come up with? PRankster?
Cabrey: Oh, ok, I had trouble with the name. But, what do you think about the whole thing? It’s pretty good, right? First Spring Prank in eight years? Get the whole town talking about it?
J.J: (unsure) I guess.
Cabrey: What?
J.J. It just seems a bit cruel.
Cabrey: Cruel? You’re the guy who used to burn ants with a magnifying glass. The guy who posted the football team’s playbook on the Internet.
J.J.: Yeah, well, the football team deserved it. And…the ants are…probably reincarnated into a higher realm now. They’re thanking me for that.
Cabrey: Right. It’s ok when you pull a prank, but…
J.J.: I’m just saying the county fair is practically sacred to people like your dad and Mrs. Denny. They put a lot of work into it.
Cabrey: But it’s so lame. And since when do you care about anything around here? You didn’t even come to the fair last year!
J.J: Yeah, well, that’s not what I’m saying. All I know is, when you’re off at college next year, you’ll miss it.
Cabrey: I will not! And what about you? What are you doing…
Lou enters. He is a short, oddly dressed, unusual character.
Lou: Hey! What’s shakin bacons?
Cabrey: Hi Lou.
J.J.: Look, it’s not important. Do the prank. I’ll be there to see the hilarity.
Lou: Prank? (very excited) There’s a prank? Man, that’s great! I love pulling a prank. Love it! I want in. C’mon, what do you say? Huh? Huh?
Cabrey: I don’t think you’ll want to, Lou. Your sidekick here doesn’t think it’s a good idea.
Lou: What’s the problem, J-man?
J.J.: No problem. It’s a delightful little prank. We’ll fill you in at the pond.
Lou: Pond? We’re going swimming? Great! I love swimming in a pond. Love it! To the pond! Let’s go, what are we waiting for?
J.J. Ok, ok. Let’s go. You want to ride with us? I could bring you back here to get…
Cabrey: No, it’s ok. I’ve got my car. I’ll meet you guys out there.
Lou: Yeah, yeah. See you out there. Let’s go, J-man, the water’s not getting any warmer. (Exits)
J.J.: Alright, alright. So, we’ll see you out there then, Cabrey? (Cabrey has already exited. J.J. stops and looks after her before he exits.)
End of scene three.