The Steps of Writing Workshop
Part II. Mechanics and Language
A. Stupid Mistakes. (Mechanics)
Spelling, basic punctuation (end marks, commas, apostrophes), run-ons, fragments-these basic mechanical errors simply do not belong in any formal essay, especially one in which a student had days, weeks, or months to prepare. It indicates that either a student did not care enough about his/her work to even edit or that he/she lacks the skills in basic sentence writing. Either reason does not bode well for a senior in high school.
1. Look at the student model below and find as many basic mechanical errors as you can. Circle them and write the number of errors below.
The Vietnam War was a very controversial war as it was but when citizens at home were able to see what was actually going on through grim and gruesome photos and videos they didn’t know how to respond and that really changed peoples attitude toward United States soldiers. They were viewed as terrible people (for killing) just because they were in the war, even though most young men were drafted. When the government wants to censor material that may trigger uproar among citizens it seems like its justified. In this case they would be protecting soldiers and also most people don’t truly understand war so some pictures may shock them. Censorship of some material in the media might be unfortunately necessary, this is due to the fact that many Americans might not have the capacity to understand fully what they are seeing and this could cause more issues away from the war front that could just be avoided by not letting said people view the images.
# of basic mechanical errors________________________
B. Commonly missed grammar mistakes (Mechanics)
Subject verb agreement, pronoun antecedent agreement error, vague pronoun use, misplaced modifiers, inconsistent verb tense… These mistakes are easier to make in essay writing if the writer is not a skilled grammarian. Below are examples of these types of errors. Find and fix the errors.
Everybody had a chance to express their opinion about a new shopping mall. Mrs. Granger and Mr. Franks are happy about his or her new business locations at the mall. Both said that their profits have increased significantly. Neither Mr. Chen nor Mr. Cooper, however, feel that their customers find parking convenient enough. Anyone shopping at the mall have to park their car too far from the main shopping area. Several members of the council said that the mall has taken away many of their customers. One of the new women on the council then presented their own idea about creating a farmers’ market on weekends. Many members said he or she favored the plan, and a proposal were discussed. Each farmer could have his or her own spot near it. The Small Business Council then agreed to take their proposal to the mayor. The mayor will announce its decision at the next town meeting. Eager and excited, the meeting will relive town member’s concerns on this issue.
C. Language-Diction and Style -A writer’s diction and sentence style affect a reader’s ability to clearly understand the paper.
1. Diction-Most students use passive voice, adding variations of the verb “to be,” which creates wordiness, awkwardness, and it weakens writing. Some students also use the wrong word (diction) in a sentence. Consider the following words “blacklisted” from your formal writing. This means that I allow 3 blacklisted words per page of formal writing before I start deducting point off the rubric row for language/diction.
· Get (got, gotten) Shows / Shows that So / So that great, greatly
· First person pronouns (I, me, my, mine, us, we, ours, our) *Unless it’s personal
writing.
· You, your *Unless I make an exception for personal writing.
· Any form of “to be” and “to have” (is, am, are, were, was, be, being, been, has, have, has been, had been, have been, become…)
· Blatantly a lot basically
· quote (unless you are using it as a verb)
· First, firstly, second, secondly, third, thirdly…
· ends up all in all totally major huge
· slang of any kind (wicked, awesome, dude, sweet, ill).
· swears of any kind clichés of any kind
· “is when,” “is how,” “is when,” “is who,” “is what,” “is where,” “is why”
· came, come, coming, came across thing/things
Look at your own paper. How many blacklisted words do you have in each page? Make a notation here: _________________________________________________________
Immature diction indicates that a writer either lacks the ability to use words that reflect his/her age and academic level or that he/she was just too lazy to revise and polish his/her language.
1. Revise these sentences, omitting any blacklisted words, looking for any passive voice, (“The race was won by Bill” should be “Bill won the race”) and improving any lackluster verbs that weaken the intellectual voice of your writing.
The Odyssey and Cinderella have a magical device that helps the person who uses it.
Odysseus gets transformed by Athena when he is on Nausicaa’s island.
Homer’s The Odyssey shows readers that intelligence is more important than brute strength.
You can see that without Athena’s help, Odysseus would never have gotten home to Penelope.
What makes Odysseus successful against the Cyclopes is how he strategically plans his escape
instead of just killing the giant monster.
2. Sentence Style-wordy and poorly constructed sentences cloud the meaning of a sentence. Adding passive voice often adds unnecessary words to your sentence, so cleaning up your diction will improve your style as well.
1. Revise these sentences, cleaning of the sentence style. All five sentences are poorly constructed, either because of:
(a) improper sentence structure (lacks a verb or a subject)
(b) poorly placed punctuation- “The people didn’t know, who to look for, for help.”
(c) shifting verb tenses-“FDR wanted to preserve the integrity of the executive branch as well as keeping the faith of poor American.”
(d) misplaced modifiers-Unemployed and destitute, FDR wanted to help the American people.
(e) Vague pronoun reference
The book gave politicians an idea about what laws were unjust or absent, and how they might act politically to improve society and racial equality.
The KKK affected culture by targeting different groups of people, either intimidating methods of attack, and its damaging effects are astounding.
The trial had not just affected how railroad cars were treated, but America’s views on blacks.
The KKK knew people where afraid of them and they used this to their advantage, they would use the fear to create things such as publicity and it was a way to get money.
Many people lost everything in the crash and those who didn’t were afraid to spend it, they could lose their jobs, and all their money, at any moment.
2. Compare the two models below-the first lacks mature diction and sentence style; the second does not.
The Vietnam War was a very controversial war as it was but when citizens at home were able to see what was actually going on through grim and gruesome photos and videos they didn’t know how to respond and that really changed peoples attitude toward United States soldiers. (48 words)
The full disclosure of gruesome war images intensified the controversy over the Vietnam War, causing both an increase in public protests and a decrease in soldiers’ morale. (27 words)
3. Select a sentence from your paper that is poorly constructed. Identify the problems in that sentence and rewrite a better sentence. Try to incorporate mature diction and sentence style in your rewritten sentence.
Rewrite: ____________________________________________________________________________
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