90720: Produce an Extended Piece of Writing in a Selected Style

English

Exemplars - Level 3

90720 (3.1) Produce an extended piece of writing in a selected style

Student exemplars and moderator comments for grade boundaries

Student Sample 1:

Category: Poetic writing Text type: Short Story (Meeting Kurt)

Achieved criteria:

develop, sustain and/or support ideas
craft controlled writing that creates effects appropriate to audience, purpose and text type
structure material clearly in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose and text type
use writing conventions accurately.

Why does this response not meet the standard at Achieved?

The ideas are not sufficiently developed and sustained
The writing has limited crafting and is not sufficiently controlled
The structure has little evidence of meeting the short story Text type
It does not use writing conventions with accuracy
It does not use writing conventions accurately (fourth criterion).There are a number of errors in apostrophe, punctuation and syntax usage.
Writing is not sufficiently crafted or controlled (second criterion).The opening is predictable, and the development of the story very plot dominant with little stylistic expression evident. Imagery employed(such as “thorny bush” section) is frequently ineffective. There is little evidence of selecting language to ‘create effects’. There are too many awkward constructions and expressions (see italicised) to meet the requirement to ‘craft writing to create effects appropriate to purpose, text type’.
The piece is not structured in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’ (third criterion). It does not build to any climax or have a recognised short story shape, such as a narrative with a twist. Little tension or suspense is created. Purpose of story is not clear.
It does not meet the first criterion. The piece becomes the ‘re-telling’ of an event rather than the development of an idea. Little evidence of elaboration or illustration in support of the ideas. Explanatory Note 4 says that,‘An extended piece of writing is one of considerable length, importance, or worth, with ideas that show maturity, depth of thought, and awareness of a range of dimensions or viewpoints.’
Explanatory Note 6 says that,‘Ideas include facts, information, observations, thoughts, opinions, arguments, feelings, experiences, or sensory qualities, depending on text type selected.’ Explanatory Note 7 says that to,‘Develop, sustain and/or support ideas means: to build on a single idea by adding detail, linking that idea to other ideas and details, maintaining and echoing images or moods through explanation, examples, evidence, description, information and choice of words.’ /

Confrontation

In the midst of my sleep I registered the constant noise of the phone until it was silenced by someone in the lounge. "Melia, that was Mrs Thompson, she's wondering if we could go around and have a chat?"
"I don't want to go Mum; I haven't been a part of any of this!" Mum stared at me with a guilt enticing look, while trying to plead with me to go and try sort out this mess that I hadn't created.
"Fine, I'll go, but you're coming with me, okay."
As we passed a thorny bush, I murmured "I'm nervous", but it was muffled by the crunching gravel underfoot. Although through the noise, mum still knew what I'd said. We lived on the same block, but the walk to their house seemed to go on forever.
I knocked twice on the door and waited for an answer. We didn't have to wait long because as soon as I'd put my hand down to my side the green rimmed door opened. Mrs Thompson's face wasn't welcoming; in fact it was the complete opposite. Things between us and Rosalie Thompson had been heated over the past few weeks, but now for some reason I'd been singled out.
Mrs Thompson greeted us with a simple "Hello" and ushered us in. Mum tried to break the tension with the weather, but Mrs Thompson wasn't responding to any small talk. She led us through the lounge to the kitchen table and pointed to the chairs; we took our cue and sat down. Then it dawned on me, where was Rosalie?" Is Rosalie here?" I asked, surprised at how calm I sounded. "No, she's gone out actually" her mum replied. I didn't ask anymore questions about her whereabouts, I knew Rosalie wasn't out. She would be listening into my every word blaming me for all that had happened.
"I think you know why you're here don't you Amelia?" Mrs Thompson blurted out, ending the silence that had filled the kitchen since we arrived. "No, I don't. I'm not the one to talk to to sort this out" I replied in a hushed tone.
Mrs Thompson didn't bother to explain, she just launched into attack, firing questions at me without even waiting for a reply to the one before.
"What did Rosalie do to deserve this?" "Rosalie never got a fair chance with you lot, you were out for her from the beginning", "Everyone needs friends, especially after all the grief and pain she's been through", "Why didn't you stick up for her? I thought you were better than that Amelia", "How come Rosalie wasn't invited to Nicole's birthday party last month? Didn't you want to share your best friend with her?", and a dozen more lines after those, each making me look more heartless and unsympathetic than the one before.
Something changed then. My opinion on everything to do with Rosalie was different. I wasn't nervous or scared anymore, I was angry.
I couldn't stand being accused of all this hurt that I hadn't caused and wasn't even in the center of while Rosalie got sympathy. Mum didn't jump to my defence, I was thankful for that because I wanted to sort this problem out myself.
I cut Mrs Thompson off mid accusation and launched into defence. "I can't dictate everyone's feelings! Why wasn't Rosalie invited to Nicole's birthday party? I don't know, ask Nicole it was her party, not mine! You can't turn that around on me. Rosalie's lies have created this mess, why would she think its okay to make up stories about people she called her friends? You can't force friends onto me that I can't trust!"
We didn't get anywhere, after an hour of being attacked and trying to defend myself to no end; Mum stood up and flashed Mrs Thompson a look of disgust. I got up and went and stood next to mum before we turned and walked back through the lounge to the crisp air outside. Mrs Thompson followed and shut the green door behind us with blunt force. I should have seen it coming; of course Rosalie's mum wouldn't believe me. She'd painted me as a horrible person and that wasn't going to change in her mind.
Back on the crunching gravel I didn't know what to feel. I realised I had tears on my cheeks, not of sorrow and guilt, but of confusion.
"Am I really this monster that Rosalie and her mum thought I was?" I didn't think so, but I certainly questioned it on the walk home.

Student Sample 2

Category: Transactional writing Text type: Column

Achieved criteria:

develop, sustain and/or support ideas
craft controlled writing that creates effects appropriate to audience, purpose and text type)
structure material clearly in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose and text type
use writing conventions accurately.

Why does this response just meet the standard at Achieved – low Achieved?

The ideas about the nature and evolution of the 21st homo sapiens are convincingly developed, sustained and supported.
The writing is sufficiently crafted and controlled, although there are some lapses.
The material is structured to present a definite and persuasive socially based argument.
Writing conventions are accurately used.
Writing has evidence of crafting (second criterion), such as the use of parallel sentence structure. Minor lapses in control are acceptable such as the awkwardly worded opening (“Back in the days…”)
Somesentences are long and lose control of fluency e.g. “The cave men were constantly battling the elements ….road traffic scarily common.”
The ideas are developed, sustained and supported convincingly (first criterion).The piece builds from an introduction which establishes the purpose of the column: we must be careful that we don’t lose our humanity in the wake of technological advance. Illustrations and elaborations of points are evident such as the selected details from the film “Wall E”.
Writing conventions are used accurately (fourth criterion).A few random errors are acceptable.
Writing is structured clearly (third criterion)with minor lapses in fluency (second criterion) whichdetract from the structure’s effectiveness. . Paragraphs develop the argument through a series of illustrated points such as the way life has become easier for us as consumers, yet we take this aspect for granted. See bold. However the argument becomes less coherent from “But when you put it all down…actual act”?
Writing is structured clearly (third criterion)Conclusion takes a strong position and makes a final comment about how we need to value life and live it to the full – rather than making petty complaints about minor inconveniences. /

Year of the Blob

Back in the days, a long, long and even longer time ago, the world was not as effortless as we all know it today. Being in the 21" century where everything you can ever want is at the click of a button is now a reality. Gone are the days when Homo sapiens had to work to catch his food; now he has the option of the painless and energy-conserving alternative of the supermarket. Being in a time when we can complain about the excruciating two minutes it takes to make noodles is the epitome of the degeneration of the human condition.
The 21st century has possibly made the human being the laziest species that can ever be described. The cave men were constantly battling the elements around them to survive, and yet we find ourselves aggravated by long supermarket queues and annoyance in road traffic scarily common. Maybe this is an adaptation of our natural instinct to find the easiest way of getting things done. However, when set up in contrast to the life of a caveman, not many present day problems qualify to validate the extreme examples of laziness exhibited today. I agree that back in the Stone Age life may have been simpler, but that did not make it easier for the people of the time.
We are fast on our way to becoming human blobs as the film Wall E was kind enough to point out. In the future the Earth could become completely polluted; with the last of the human race living in space, virtually unable to walk because of their reliance on technology to fulfil their every whim. Frankly, this film frightened me. It showed human beings having taken the personification of laziness to the extreme and thus creating somewhat of an anti-evolution.
The Chinese Zodiac has various animals for every twelve years. I feel in our time of human development change is imminent; a new creature is required to be added to the Chinese calendar - The Blob. This seems the direction in which humanity is headed. An increase in technology dependence may leave us no use for the human body; we could all end up just surviving with robotic servants tending to our every need, the sole purpose of our existence to complain about the sluggishness of our new age technology as we slowly evolve to balls of fat.
With consumerism at its most prevalent, people are forgetting the way things used to be; and have started taking for granted everything that has made their lives easier. I can not imagine having to start a fire with sticks or rocks when the hardest igniter I have ever used is a match; I can not imagine having to hunt dinner for hours using a spear to immobilise it, when the hardest I have had to run for my food is to the counter of a take away restaurant. It's all about fast food, fast shopping and fast life. But when you put it all into perspective the one thing which slows down is the actual act involved in the process; and people still find reason to complain of the speed of these time saving conveniences. Society places value on the efficiency and speed of everything, which is all well and fine. But where is the appreciation? As we strive to be better and faster - we take humanity for granted.
When you can't wait for the little things in life, there must be something wrong. In our desire to be at the top of the food chain, we have become a laughing stock of the natural world. What can we anticipate for our future generations? Gelatinous blobs of beings whose only movement is to either stuff nutrients into their gobs, or to buy unnecessary junk they don't need on the internet (if we even manage to evolve to that sorry state with the pending doom of global warming). Something must be done if we wish to secure the future of the species, something must be resolved if we want to remain the superior species we are meant to be.
I do not mean every single being of the human population should endeavour to become one with their inner mammal; I do mean humans should strive to be more active and patient with the little aspects of life like technology, getting to places or even just appreciating the availability of resources. This will not only let us value life in this day and age but also allow us to view the life of the caveman with new found respect; giving the future generations more time to figure out a way to preserve the human species, before we evolve to balls of fat just using up space and oxygen. So, when find yourself complaining about the extra 30 seconds the internet is taking to send your emails, just think "What would true Homo Sapiens do?"
... and get over it.
Student Sample 3: Achieved – high Achieved
Category: Poetic writing Text type: Narrative – Chapter One
Merit criteria

develop, sustain and/or support ideas convincingly
craft controlled and fluent writing that creates effects
structure material clearly and effectively
use writing conventions accurately

Why does this sample of writing meet the criteria at Achieved but not at Merit?
Ideas are convincingly developed and sustained. The storyline is developed – with convincing character introduction and background.
Writing is crafted and controlled at times but a greater level of fluency in the crafting needs to be sustained for Merit. Some less effective and awkward constructions and diction detract from the narrative’s effectiveness.
The piece is structured in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’. The narrative direction is established. “Chapter One” opens with character descriptions and situation (who and where, what is happening) and introduces the necessary background of Rai and his potential for the novel.
Punctuation and syntax lapses make the work borderline for ‘use writing conventions accurately’.
The piece is structured clearly and effectively in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’ (third criterion). It opens with character descriptions and situation (who and where, what is happening). Sets up the necessary background of Rai and his potential for the novel ( such as. “needs looking after” , “afraid for everyone else in the bar). The chapter’s ending supplies just enough “hook” into the next chapter and the rest of the novel.
It does meet the first criterion (convincingly developed and sustained ideas).Ideas about Rai, Emelia, Ollie, and Unta are expressed and supported. We know Unta will be the antagonist, and Rai the protagonist, Emelia will provide the love interest, and Ollie be Rai’s support in moments of conflict. We have a good understanding of the potential conflict between Unta and Rainek.
Writing is sufficiently controlled (second criterion) but the crafting needs further development and sustained fluency to meet Merit.Sentence variation needs further development to avoid repetition of structure. “He… She…” Some sentences are awkwardly expressed (italicised). There is evidence of ‘conscious choice of diction for effect’ (bold) – but this is not sustained throughout.
Accurate work (fourth criterion). Lapses in punctuation create some awkwardly constructed sentences (italicised). /

HERO

CHAPTER 1
Rai was drunk. He sat at the bar of Ollie’s tavern packed to the rafters with thirsty smelly woodsmen all intent on blowing their weeks wages on one night of drinking and whoring. The ruckus was annoying Rai, the usual quiet small town tavern was normally a place where he could admire Ollie’s daughter Emelia in peace but tonight he could only catch the odd glimpse of her through the crowd. The woodsmen were a burly bunch but obviously stupid, well the ones in the tavern were anyway.