11.28.2015 For Better or Worse…But Not for Lunch by Buck Dopp
A good business manager must be able to have a plan and be able to implement it. This axiom guided my strategy toward anearly retirement.Long and short-term goals were set along with alternative tactics designed to overcome unexpected obstacles that might arise. I invented spreadsheets and used customized metrics to track my progress.Despite a few detours and dead ends,I executed the plan—retiringin my fifties.
One day, as I relaxed on my leather reclinerwatching Sports Center, the wife suddenly barked from across the room.“Aren’t you going somewhere?”
Clutching a coffee mug in one hand and a chocolate-covered donut in the other, I replied,“What do you mean?”
“I mean, are you going to sit there on your ass all day?”
“No. Later on I’ll make my way to the kitchenwhere I’ll crack a beer and open a bag of chips.”
“That’s it?”
“Yep.”
She folded her arms, looking annoyed.“Why don’t youdo something?”
I glared at her. “What’s your problem? You’re too old for it being that time of the month?”
Luckily, I ducked in time to avoid the shoe the little womanhurled at my head with the definite intention of inflicting serious bodily harm. That day I discovered a missing component in my retirement plan: wife management. A good manager anticipates every contingency and shifts gears to address problems that come up. The brideobviously had a problem,butbeing the skilled problem solver that I am, I felt confident I could fix it. Compared with my vastexperience fixing complex operational difficulties in business, resolving her petty little issues would be a snap.
A few days later, whilewatchingmy favorite TV show, I wrote a five-part process improvement plan designed to help her achieve the maximum levelof success in her household duties. I knew her main goal in life was to be the best homemaker possible, and she knew I was committed to helping her succeed in that quest.
Part one of the plan consisted of reorganizing her kitchen. The poor dear spent many untold hours toiling over the stove preparing my meals. Fortunately, for the little lady, my expertise at ergonomicsenabled me to re-create her work environment, making it neat, clean and organized. I waited until she went shopping, and thenrearrangedthe disarrayand confusion in her kitchen, transforming it into a paragon of tidiness.
When she saw the kitchen, she didn’t display the reaction I had anticipated.The love of my life slammed two bags of groceries on the counter then stared at me,“What did you do to my kitchen?”
“Food preparation utensils stored closer to the stove optimizes their use,” I shot back.
She jerked the drawers open then rammed them shut. “Where’s my silverware?”
Before I could explain, she stormed out of the house.
Sure, I was a little disappointed she had forgotten to thank me, but in her heart of hearts, I knew she felt overwhelming gratitude. She had married an agent of change who was now her lifeline to process improvement.
A good managerunderstands employees can become emotionally wedded to their routines. My sweetie clearly needed to be rescued from her comfort zone, and I was just the person tousher her through the pain of change. She would realize my kitchen reorg would remove the impediments that had kept her from reaching her full potential at food preparation.
Part two of the plan called for setting up a cleaning calendar. Scheduling her scrubbing, washing, vacuuming and dusting would send her self-confidence soaring. She wouldget ahead of the housework curve and that would make her feel better about herself.
When I held up the cleaning schedule for her review, she snatched it out of my hand and waved it in my face. “What am I supposed to do with this?”
“It’s the timetable for completing your household tasks. A cluttered homedamages a housewife’s self-esteem.”
“I’ll tell you what ruins a woman’s self-esteem:living with a man who watches soaps all day!”
Though her comment saddened me, Icould tell she was only venting. By allowing her to release these toxic emotions, I was helping restore her mental health. Her deep-seated guilt about the dirty dishes in her sink was obviously at the center of these feelings of loss.
Placing my hand on her shoulder,I looked into her eyes and softly said,“How do you feel?”
“I feel like we need a cleaning lady.”
Empathy is my forte, and it was time to use it.“I understand snookums. But, that’s just throwing money at problems.We needa root cause analysis.”
“The root cause of my problems is you!”
She had reverted to playing the blame game. Iimmediately recognized herscapegoating was only symptomatic of herself-loathingand feelings of inadequacy. Of course, I could not tell her this at the time. She could use me as the temporary lifeboat to her sinking ship.
Upgrading her physical fitness was the third phase of my plan. A healthy and strong body promotes a sound mind and a happy disposition. It would give her the energy and stamina needed for her household chores.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“It’s your training schedule. You will start by jogging a mile a day as fast as you can. Then you’ll progress to two mile runs and lift weights every other day.”
When I regained consciousness, I was lying on my back gazing at the ceiling light. ThenI remembered a broom handle coming at my head.I sensed she wasn’t ready for part three which meant a delay implementingpart four, “Getting the Most from Your Grocery Budget,” and part five,“How to Sense the Emotional and Physical Needs of your Husband.”
It has been five years and she is still not ready for the plan, but agoodmanager is patient—I’m sure she’ll be ready soon.
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